Their need to 'help' is *not* more important

than my need to be left the hell *alone*, to 'stew in my own juices', if need be.

Maybe it’s that ‘good intentions --> road to hell’ thing again, where people expect – heck, I’ve even heard that saying, “You’ll take what you get and like it,” as if someone should be grateful for having something effectively shoved down their throat???!? What the fuck!

But then there’s the more ‘subtle’ kind, or maybe it’s devious? The kind I’m thinking of often leaves me feeling kind of ‘slimed’ if I accept it, but often I’m so focused on keeping the relationship, at any cost? or, not rocking the boat or whatever – god, it’s fucking complicated. Because there are all these social nuances/niceties/complexities (think Miss Manners) that vary from town to town and region to region and country to country and from one family to the next – no *wonder* I never fucking leave the house! It’s im*poss*ible to navigate all that shit without blowing an arm or leg off by unwittingly stepping on *some*body’s emotional landmine (metaphorically, I’m talkin’ metaphor here, not *actual* loss of limb...)

***
Chakra/meridian stuff: Noticed a roughness along the middle finger of my right hand, extending down into my palm - a long line of calloused skin that runs right down the heart chakra (both g and ex^♥ asked me about it, and I didn't know the answer).

I *think* it's this: That I was 'trained' by the mu unit to take care of her, and in the process 'learned' that the only way I could get any tiny, smallest portion of my *own* needs met was by putting others' needs ahead of my own.

*stopping* with that habit/pattern, now - imagine screeching and squealing of brakes, massive U-turn as grasshopper wheels her armored vehicle into attack position. Go grassy! :-)

[Attack: As in, "Any y'all want to mess wit' *me*, y'all gonna have to contend wit' *Grassy* here. She's one *tough* mo-fo, and won't put up wid no *shit* from y'all." Or something like that. I *like* being my own super-hero! :-) ]

***
Edited to finish the heart meridian thing: First, it's really the heart *protector* meridian that runs down the middle finger - the one that would 'take care' of the self, like when you put your hand over your heart when something really gets to you emotionally - shock, whatever.

And second, I want to say: Once I realized this? That I was expending too much energy on 'what others think/say/do/expect' (and yes, I've had this realization *many* times before, under *many* circumstances and in *many* guises, but - who can say which one will actually get *through*, or, possibly, tip the balance?)

I began to shift the energy. Not so much in big ways, but more like the way you'd shift your weight from one foot to the other - minimal energy expenditure, but *man*! the *difference* it makes! Like shifting your perspective, your 'angle of view' *just enough* so that suddenly, all the things that were totally bugging the shit out of you? You can't even *see* them any more - they've gone out of focus, almost literally, no longer commanding your attention the same way. Kind of like stepping to the side a bit, only you hardly use any energy at all.

Cool, huh? Big, wide, happy grin here at new discovery :-) Look ma, no hands!

I realize I'm all over the map, here, but it all *does* fit together in some way or other - part and parcel, kit and kaboodle, something like that. I mean, the body and mind are *not* separate - it's just that we humans seem to use a lot of 'symbols' for our so-called 'thinking', and it *helps* to have a 'system' for - what - labeling things? making sense of them? Just like some people tell stories like the God story, or whatever, to make sense of their lives. I find the chakra/energy/meridian stuff *really* useful, and when I can link some psychological and/or emotional concept to some really tangible, physical aspect of my being and/or behavior, it helps. A *lot*. Because then I can use at as a sort of 'indicator' of my - progress? and, in the process, use a whole lot less energy. Which *matters*, because this stuff consumes a *lot* of energy. And I need it to use *less*, so that I have *more* for the *basics* of life, such as actual survival and whatnot.