I feel like I spend half my life (or at least, half of my life in the last 10 years or so) gathering 'evidence' against my family's belief in silence, in might makes right, in sticks and stones, sink or swim, suffering builds character, etc. etc. Or fill in the blank with your own personal favorite aphorism.
In case I forget about this book later on, here's some text from it that captures almost exactly what I experienced (and continue to experience) from my family.
Why, you may ask, do I feel the need to copy somebody else's writing? Because it's evidence, as I say, that I'm not just making this up or overreacting or just trying to get attention. All of which I've been accused of at various times while trying to make my case, make myself heard, get recognition, acknowledgment, comfort, appreciation, what have you, you name it. (What do I win if I manage to write an post consisting entirely of catch-phrases? Never mind, don't answer that.)
This writing shows that somebody else feels exactly the way I do about it. Which means not only that I'm a) not alone, but b) I'm RIGHT. I'm fucking right. So neener neener, stick than in your pipe and shove it up your ... oh, wait, that's not how it goes. Sorry.
So with all that ado, here's the text (p.96):
Abusive individuals evade a direct question when it is asked. Because they won't talk, one ascribes wisdom and grace to them. One enters a world with little verbal communication and vague unsettling remarks. Everything is suggested but never said outright. A shrug of the shoulders or a sigh will suffice. The victim tries to understand: "What have I done to him? Why is he reproachful?" And because nothing is actually said, anything becomes cause for blame.
Denial, whether of reproach or conflict on the aggresor's part, paralyzes the victim, who cannot defend herself. Abuse is perpetrated by the refusal to acknowledge what is happening [emphasis mine], discuss the situation, or jointly find solutions. [Family: Please make a note of this. This means YOU.]
If the conflict were out in the open, discussion would be possible and a solution might be forged. Within the scope of abusive communication, however, one must above all prevent the other person from thinking, understanding or reacting. An effective way of aggravating the conflict is avoiding dialogue [family? Looking at you again], which silently imputes blame on the other person. The victim is refused the right to be heard. [emphasis mine again. Damn, I could have written this whole thing, not so eloquently or dispassionately, to be sure. But the feelings? Every damn one is right on the money.]
Her version of the facts doesn't interest the abusive individual, who won't listen. [Wow, there sure are a lot of people like this. And even those who pretend to listen often don't care, they just want to seem like they're good people.]
This refusal of dialogue is a way of saying, without directly epressing it in words, that the other person does not interest the aggressor or that she doesn't even exist. [ow :-( ] With anyone else one can ask questions if one doesn't understand, but with abusers discourse is tortuous and unclear and can only lead to mutual alienation [emph. mine].
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