But the grain of truth is that we all need validation. We need it like water and air.
It's another one of those invisible things where people who get plenty of it take it completely for granted and never have to think about it; while people who never get enough always feel like there's something wrong with them and wonder how to fix it. Kind of like how the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
It's like my same old analogy of a plant blaming itself for not getting enough rain. WTF, is what you should be saying. Uh huh - blaming ourselves for not getting enough validation is like a plant blaming itself for not being located in a place where enough rain falls.
Yeah. Crazy shit. But that's what shrinks and self-help gurus tell us: That we're responsible for our own validation or lack thereof.
Bullshit. The only difference between us and the plants is that we have legs, and can move ourselves to a spot where there's more rain. Or validation, as the case may be.
I got to thinking about this while hunting for a quote about making mistakes being compared to the continuous course corrections that an airplane's autopilot makes. Here's a link I found that quotes it, plus a bonus story about how Thomas Edison had to try 10,000 different elements before he found one that would make his lightbulb light up:
****Thomas Edison once mentioned to reporters that he had tried over 10,000 materials as filaments for his new invention, the electric light bulb. One reporter asked how the young inventor maintained his persistence in the face of so much failure. “Failure?” he responded. “I didn't fail. What I did was successfully eliminate 10,000 elements which were unacceptable for my needs.” What most people would call failure, Edison saw as the process of invention.
The ability to accept so-called failure simply as information and then make corrections without self-invalidation is rare. However, it is a critical key to success. Accepting defeat or criticism is never easy, but it is those people who take feedback and make corrections who create lasting success.
Everyone fails. Everyone makes mistakes and has painful experiences. Most people just complain about them, justify them or blame someone else. The self-actualized person learns from them, adjusts, and goes on. No self-condemnation. No pity parties. No blame. Just awareness and correction. It’s not what happens to us but rather what we do with what happens to us that makes the difference.
How do we make corrections without self-invalidation? Here’s an example: If we were to fly to a distant city, our flight would be off course more than 90 percent of the time. Constant feedback and correction would be required to reach our intended destination. As we drift off course, the guidance system reports to the autopilot, and the autopilot makes the necessary adjustments. As our altitude drops or increases slightly, the same thing occurs. This feedback and correction cycle continues over and over again hundreds of thousands of times throughout the course of our flight.
I was sitting there nodding my head as usual, going, yeah, right, glass half full vs. glass half empty. Sure. Positive thinking. It's all in your head.
And then I remembered, just before I got sucked (once again) into the bullshit meme-land of shrinks and self-helpers everywhere, that we don't in fact have control over everything that happens in our lives.
Whew, almost got me there!
So, ok. Validation is like rain. Rain falls where it wants to.
Validation is like rain because we don't have any control over where or when or how much of it falls on us.
So if we're not getting enough validation, we have to go somewhere where we get more of what we need.
Now, this seems simple. But remember that humans only learn how to do these things if their environments teach them how to do it. If your environment doesn't teach you, you most likely won't learn it.
Sure, you may randomly stumble on a book or movie that shows how a particular idea works, but most of us are experience-based creatures - that is, we only learn these behavioral patterns by actually going through them. It's the rare human who can learn something just by hearing about it. Most people have to be shown repeatedly, sometimes violently. Many people simply cannot learn new things once the initial 'imprint' has been laid down. It may simply require a certain amount of intelligence. Not to mention motivation.
Anyway. So my point with all this is that those of us who have been socialized to perceive ourselves as failures will be far more likely to be subject to feelings of guilt and shame any time something goes wrong. We've been 'wired' to take the hit, take the blame, take responsibility, regardless of whether we had anything to do with it. It's like when you see that cop car's lights flashing in your rear-view mirror and you wonder what you've done wrong, even if you haven't done anything wrong. We get this kind of built-in 'guilt reaction' that kicks in just because we've been yelled at so many times or falsely accused that it puts us a little off-balance all the time - we're always a little susceptible to being accused of something that we didn't do.
So.
How to change this wiring? BTSOM, as my dad used to say (beats the sh*t out of me. Nice, eh?)
But seriously, I think all a person can do is try to get aware of every time that little voice in your head goes "you're no good, you're a fuckup, let's watch you mess this one up". It's like they set up little trip wires and booby traps and obstacle courses all around you to the point where you're afraid to move for fear of making a mistake.
Whew. Exhausting to even walk through all that again.
So. Overwrite the sons-a-bitches, don't let the bastards get you down. Tell them to shut the fuck up (even if only inside your own head). Don't let them win. Call them on it every single time they try to undermine you or make you feel bad about yourself.
And maybe, eventually, you'll relax a little and have some moment's like ol' Tom had, happily tinkering away in his workshop making a million 'mistakes' a minute and never worrying a bit about it.
Why? Because he was learning. Constantly. Every single thing he did taught him something new, and he was able to learn from each thing and put it to use because he didn't have that constant, nagging voice of shame echoing inside his head telling him that he was a 'failure, failure, failure.'
Shut up, voice-in-my-head. You're on notice.
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