song.

ARTIST: Dar Williams
TITLE: When I Was a Boy
Lyrics and Chords


[Grossly simplified chords - original was in an alternate
tuning with an overabundance of sus2s.]

I won't forget when Peter Pan
Came to my house, took my hand
I said I was a boy, I'm glad he didn't check
I learned to fly, I learned to fight
I lived a whole life in one night
We saved each other's lives out on the pirate's deck

/ G - / G/B - / C - G/B D - /

And I remember that night
When I'm leaving a late night with some friends
And I hear somebody tell me it's not safe
Someone should help me
I need to find a nice man to walk me home

/ C - / G/B - C - / G/B - / D - / / (G)

When I was a boy, I scared the pants off of my mom
Climbed what I could climb upon
And I don't know how I survived
I guess I knew the tricks that all boys knew
And you can walk me home, but I was a boy, too

/ G - G/B - / C - G/B D - / C - G/B - /
/ C - G/B D - / C - G/B - D - - - / G - G/B - C - G/B D - /

I was a kid that you would like
Just a small boy on her bike
Riding topless, yeah, I never cared who saw
My neighbor come outside to say
"Get your shirt," I said "No way
It's the last time I'm not breaking any law"

And now I'm in a clothing store
And the sign says, "Less is More"
More that's tight means more to see
More for them, not more for me
That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat

When I was a boy, see that picture, that was me
Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees
And I know things have gotta change
They got pills to sell, they've got implants to put in
They've got implants to remove
But I am not forgetting
That I was a boy too

And like the woods where I would creep
It's a secret I can keep
Except when I'm tired, except when I'm being caught off guard
I've had a lonesome awful day
The conversation finds its way
To catching fire-flies out in the backyard

And I tell the man I'm with
About the other life I lived
And I say now you're top gun
I have lost and you have won
And he says, "Oh no, no, can't you see

When I was a girl, my mom and I we always talked
And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked
And I could always cry, now even when I'm alone I seldom do
And I have lost some kindness
But I was a girl too
And you were just like me, and I was just like you"

Stick and carrot: Hormones as emotional guidance system.

I'm thinking that hormones drive us in a kind of primitive steering mechanism? Or possibly it's highly sophisticated - maybe it is our *understanding* of the system that is primitive? While the system *itself* is quite - rarified? refined? specialized? highly adapted to the situation it evolved to cope with?

Thinking of serotonin, dopamine et al as 'carrots', and cortisol (stress hormone) and *its* ilk as the stick.

Between the two, they steer us in a kind of simplistic, on/off, right/wrong, good/bad binary that helps the organism survive.

All this is *meant* to occur subconsciously - an animal, for example, doesn't give a thought to whether it 'should' eat or not - if there's food, and it's hungry, generally, it eats.

If it gets fat (which to me is a non 'normal' situation, indicating some imbalance in either the animal or its environment or both), it *may* be that its environment isn't providing what the animal needs, in which case it may eat as a protection, or as ... ok, abandoning this line of argument, too circuitous and proving unfruitful.

***
In short:
Take your cravings as a 'right/wrong' indicator as to whether you, as a whole organism, are on the right track. Judgment or criticism of *any* sort *whatsoever* is unnecessary, and is, in fact, counterproductive. Trust your instincts. Pay attention; listen, watch, and learn. Above all learn, always, all the time, 24/7, as 'they' so irritatingly like to say.

Ok, scrap of grasshopper's 'legacy' recorded for the day.

Now gotta go do other grasshopper-y things.

Failure to thrive: Frustration of basic impulses blocks and/or damages kidney meridian

Speculation: A non-aggressive child (such as I was) may not get her emotional needs met. I remember mom saying that my middle bro had such a fire-engine wail that there was no possible way she could ignore him - I was much quieter - squeaky wheel and all that?

So I'm speculating that kidney meridian, representing the 'uptake' portion of our anatomy, possibly analogous to a plant's roots? may get 'damaged' in some way, resulting in stunted growth, emotional as well as physical, also known, in some circles, as 'failure to thrive'.

But I'd say that's a bit like blaming a plant for not getting enough water - so, I prefer to think of it as a form of environmental mischance, which blames no one, but accounts for the effects seen on the organism, namely, me.

***
This 'environmental mischance' set up a feeling of 'disappointment' in the organism, which may be registered as anger, frustration, resentment, or all or some combination of said emotions.

I prefer to think of them as indicator lights on the car's dashboard: Oil low, water low, etc.

So: 'Love' (as defined in recent previous post) low = deficient intake/kidney meridian function, which may be perceived as a 'lack of sweetness' from one's environment, aka, 'not enough love'.

Substitutes: Sugar, sappy movies (:-), etc.

Posit: The organism that cannot find a sexual match wherewith to propagate her 'seed' will re-route that energy into a substitute (such as writing on this blog) whereby she may succeed in passing on her 'legacy' in *some* form or other. Survival, in other words, on the *organism's* terms.

Mold, health, sugar, stress: Trying to put the pieces together, and some links relevant (perchance?) thereto:

I'm also in the process of dealing with some serious mold issues in my living space (6 months of solid rain and cold + insanely expensive heating costs + single-pane windows in badly insulated walls covered up all this time with heavy fleece & blankets to keep the heat in = massive quantitites of gross, disgusting, horrible black mold.)

I was re-watching the movie Safe, which was maybe made in the 90s or so? Anyway, it's about a woman (played by Julianne Moore) who develops severe chemical sensitivity as a reaction to her chemically and emotionally toxic living situation.

At one point in the film, the lady narrating (not Moore) lists a bunch of foods that are said to aggravate immune system response - i.e., allergic response. I forget the word she used to describe this category of foods, but it was something to do with mold, and it included: Cheese, chocolate, beer, bread.

Now, beer and bread I can more or less do without, but cheese and chocolate have always been staples, and I've suddenly (in the last few months) noticed that my already fairly restricted diet (from sensitivities/intolerances) was getting even *more* narrowly confined because I seemed to be reacting to things like banana peels and citrus. Then, in the last few days, or a week, or so? Even things like *chocolate*, and cheese, which almost *never* bothers me, were becoming intolerable. I realized I *had* to do *something* - increase the uptake of fish (Omega 3s, baby!) for one, which, even though it's *insanely* expensive, especially halibut (which is my current favorite, I'm guessing because it provides both vit D [essential in a cold, dark, depressing {literally!} climate]), as well as minimizing sugar, and being more aware of these various foods that 'aggravate' the situation.

And then that line came up in the movie, along with a reference to citrus being an 'aggravator', and the light clicked on - I'd once, long ago, wondered if there was some yeast/bread/beer/cheese link that was making me sensitive to all those foods, and couldn't find anything at the time - I also was suffering, at the time, from chronic yeast infections, and wondered if *that* had any connection to the food thing. I'd been tested several times for a systemic yeast, but came to the conclusion it was more a side-effect of my body trying to 'exhaust' the byproducts of the copious quantities of sugar I'd been consuming in my ongoing attempts to deal single-handedly with the overwhelming stressors of life - school, men, lack of family support, no friends, etc.

So there was no help there (as usual), from either the 'medical establishment' or my usual sources of so-called 'information', such as Google, etc.

So I kept trying to put the pieces together, but forgot, after a while, after some other things changed in my life and, for a while, I was dealing with a slightly lower level of stress, and was able to cope a little better.

But now my toxic load level (financial, emotional, physical) is once again just narrowly exceeding my capacities to cope, so I've thrown out my life-lines to all those who might be willing to help (and, yay! There ARE some of those folks in my life now, at long last! :-)

The mold is one of the problems that I've had lurking at the back of my mind, to be dealt with on the first sunny, warm day that lasts long enough to take the curtains down, air things out and clean those freaking, nasty, horrible, single-pane ancient wood windows. Yuck!

Anyway. So, the movie tickled some old thoughts, and to help 'support' myself, diet-wise, during this transition time 'til I can get the windows cleaned (Friday, two days from now, looks like it may actually break 60 degrees, and I have that day free - look out, mold!) I'm trying to figure out what the whole food/mold connection is again.

To that end, a couple of links about foods that contain mold themselves and/or potentially contribute to the whole mold-reaction/aggravation thing:

Yeast-containing foods:
http://www.allergy-details.com/yeast-allergy/foods-contain-yeast/

The Mold Help Diet:
http://www.mold-survivor.com/dietcopyright.html

One of the links points out that leftovers get moldy pretty fast - maybe that's why I've always had an aversion to anything that's been left in the fridge for more than a day?

I also asked my mom if she'd eaten anything special while pregnant with me, and she said, "Huge quantities of brewer's yeast."

Several thoughts occurred when I heard that: I wondered if the yeast could have 'sensitized' my newly forming system to yeast? And, also, if it could have kind of 'pre-set' my body chemistry to need a higher than 'normal' level of nutrients than are available in brewer's yeast? Because, as far as I know, I didn't eat in brewer's yeast *after* that (after being born, I mean), and I've always absolutely *hated* the smell (and taste) of the stuff. And yet, at the same time, I seem to have a *terrible* time getting whatever it is I need out of the foods I'm eating and/or craving. Conundrum.

Hm. Curious :-)

Also, some links: Patriarchy; self-esteem; destructive capitalism.

From a blog called Women and Life on Earth, a post called 'Uprooting the Patriarchy':
http://www.wloe.org/Uprooting-the-Patriarchy.435.0.html

"This is the primary social base for the male monopolization of culture, by which men re-enforced their privileges of leisure, the superior prestige of their activities and the inferiority of the activities associated with women," Reuther writes in an essay, "Ecofeminism," reprinted extensively on the Internet.

By coming up with concept of nature, in contrast to culture, man also degraded the force of this power. "It defines nature as a reality below and separated from 'man', rather than one nexus in which humanity itself is inseparably embedded," Reuther adds.

A critical historical development was the creation of plow agriculture in which men yoked animals and forced them to work. Man’s next related step was to wage war, killing the men and taking the women and children as slaves. Subsequent civilizations further developed this entrenchment of both nature and women not as autonomous living entities, but as things to be "conquered, owned and eventually destroyed." The result has been the burning of women at the stake as witches, imperialism, population explosion, pollution and the depletion of natural resources. The solution, Reuther writes, is to reassert the superiority of nature.

***
From http://www.zerowaste.ca/articles/column196.html, 'The Corporation As Psychopath':

"The chairman of the board may sincerely believe that his every waking moment is dedicated to serving human needs. Were he to act on these delusions instead of pursuing profit and market share, he would no longer be chairman of the board." (Noam Chomsky, Necessary Illusions: Thought Control in Democratic Societies, Pluto Press, 1991, p.19)

The dominant institution in our society is the corporation. It determines what we eat, what we wear, where we work, what we read, what we listen to, what we watch, and what we do.

There’s just one problem with the corporation as Noam Chomsky points out in the above quotation – its legally defined mandate is to pursue its self-interest regardless of who or what suffers as a result of its actions.

That callous approach means the corporation – already considered in law as a “person” – can be defined as a psychopath says Joel Bakan, a University of BC law professor and author of The Corporation: The Pathological Pursuit of Profit and Power.

***
From The Hathor Legacy (http://thehathorlegacy.com/toxic-men-in-fight-club/), Toxic Men in Fight Club, which I believe was a movie and/or TV show in the late 80s?

Anyway, a quote from a commenter on the article, which discusses the origins of self-esteem, among other things (I think the main thrust is intended to be how men suffer from the absence of strong, loving, male role models.)

Oh, and, PS? I'd like to just point out, if we're competing for 'who's suffered most', here: Women *particularly* suffer from this, even more than men do, seeing as how it's a patriarchy we live in, here, and not a matriarchy - all power, or any of real significance, as in, power to change and influence others? still, largely, accrues mainly to men. Women, if we're *extremely* lucky, may get such crumbs as land on the floor below men's table. What I'm saying is: Women need these strong, loving, supportive men in our lives even more than men do, because we lack the social network of support that men get from the entire rest of the culture. And yes, I realize not *all* men benefit from that support - some fall through the cracks, just as women do - but, as a percentage? By and large, it's women, and children, who suffer the most.

And I dont want to argue about it.

Back to the previous point:

I do want to take issue with one thing, though. I don’t think what is needed is self-esteem. Rather, I think it is self-respect. The reason that I think it is worth making the distinction is because what you are talking about (recognizing oneself as intrinsically valuable, as being flawed but being ok with that) describes respect rather than esteem. Esteem is about valuing one’s developed character traits and achievements. It is an extrinsic way of valuing one’s self (where you value yourself for what you have done and who you have become).

I think self-esteem is a problematic concept to use because we can nurture self-esteem by focusing on only superficial traits. For example, many of those neck-tie wearing corporate yes-men probably have esteem for themselves because of the position that they have achieved. But to respect one’s self requires a deeper kind of valuing.

Laurence Thomas does a good job of describing the difference in the 13th Chapter of Dignity, Character and Self-Respect. Thomas ties self-respect to parental love and also to justice in a way that I find rather convincing.

I've decided to redefine 'love' as 'need',

because it makes more sense to me.

That is: I believe (at this moment, subject to change without notice :-) that we 'love' most those who most fully meet our deepest and/or greatest needs.

So 'love' is a sort of dependence relationship; and, therefore, the 'best', or deepest? 'love' will be experienced by those who need (and therefore, *depend on*) each other the most.

Then there's the sort of 'friendship' or 'fondness-based' love, for which there is no accounting (kind of like, 'no accounting for taste'), and which tends to occur randomly, out of the blue, and often seems to survive all kinds of ups, downs, sidewayses and other social and emotional hazards that relationships so often seem to go through.