The 'care taker' tradeoff

I'm still trying to break the habit of 'taking care of others' in order to get my own needs met - as if there's some kind of trade going on - tit for tat, like that.

I keep having images flash through my mind, and my 'subconscious' has become so - conscious? from all this work that's it's like I'm having a constant 'dialog' between that inner self (?) and the rest of me.

This is a work in progress (this post, as is everything else!) and so I'm thinking out loud here, trying out ideas, trying to make sense of this as I go.

So I find this 'inner self' making some snide comment or critical remark, and I just talk back to it out loud.

And sometimes she's a little girl, wondering, 'Why do things have to be this way? What's happening?'

And again, I just answer her. Out loud if I'm by myself, or, often, I don't even have to verbalize it any more - the whole 'question/exchange/answer' thing goes on kind of between my ears without ever escaping my head.

It's kind of cool - it's like I've learned how to 'reassure' myself, and not get caught up in the endless feedback loops any more - I mean, I *still* sometimes start going down the rabbit hole, but I *catch* it *way, way* sooner than I used to, and have now *many* ways of restoring my balance, sanity and equilibrium.

If it gets *really* bad (which it occasionally still does) I just huddle on the couch with my blanket and my stuffed dog and shiver until I'm warm again and my brain stops going in 'spaz' mode.

It's great. It works.

And the rest of the time it's a combination of:

Writing *here*
talking to myself
talking to friends
going for walks (though not so much this time of year)

drinking massive quantities of caffeine, or eating piles of sugar (or other carb of choice - seems to vary according to some complicated internal rhythm I've given up trying to map - just *try* to have as many options handy at any given time as possible, so that I can *choose* - tater chips, crackers, candy, Coca Cola (essential!), or any of a variety of other things that help 'tone it down', and restore me to equilibrium.)

And watching movies. I have a stack from the library, and at any time I can choose from a huge variety of old familiar favorites, and can watch my favorite scenes, which makes me happy and relaxes me and somehow gives me comfort - like my 'family' or something.

Whatever works. (yeah, the internal 'judge' voice is saying, 'But isn't that a little unnatural?' And I'm like, 'And who the fuck are *you*, asshole - Freud, for fuck's sake? Yeah, well, all that shit has been *thoroughly* debunked by now - you're as dead as any of them other ol' dinosaurs. So be *buried*, already.')

[Cut this out of the following post to make it a separate post of its own - needed to have it broken into two pieces for my own - sanity? clarity?]