the guilt/pleasure connection, or: Puritanism has a *lot* to answer for!

Conclusions I'm coming to after yesterday's post (and, yes, this is just *one* little 'Lego building block' in a long, long, did I say, long series of thoughts, ideas, 'connections' etc.)

are:

Negative parental (and societal?) input, whether in the form of overt or tacet disapproval (which I might *speculate* could cover the full range of 'abuses', not simply the most common, garden-variety verbal trashing that so many parents seem to casually indulge in - but I'll stick with what I *know*, as in what I've experienced personally) -

- these 'negative inputs' not only imprint verbal 'messages' in the brain (psyche?) that replay themselves in (ofter ever-increasing) feedback loops throughout the life of the offspring - they can *also*, according to what I'm reading (see previous post) *literally* affect the functioning of glands and organs. Including one's very *viscera*, quite literally. This is not just *metaphor* we're talkin' about - it's down to an actual cellular, physical *body* level thing.

Based on *that* assumption, a whole *raft* of 'connections' suddenly start popping together in my mind, like circuits tripping over - linkages that got cut off - who knows? maybe as far back as infancy? are suddenly up and running again, just like *that*, just by making the 'mind, body' connection.

Like, for example, normally I'm *freezing*, all the time. I can only *truly* get warm from an external heat source - long, hot shower; lying in the warm sun; and, for most of the year in this cold, wet, inhospitable climate? Huddled by a heater somewhere.

The other thing I notice is my breathing - for *years* I've had trouble breathing deeply - I've thought of all kinds of 'reasons' - the most recent that occurred to me was that I had my gallbladder out years ago, and that there might be some 'adhesions', that is, sort of 'crunched together' layers of inner - whatsit (?) - that keep that area of my body from moving freely, including breathing. Sort of a protective reaction maybe, the body's equivalent of 'closing the barn door after the horse has already escaped' kind of thing?

Anyway, free-associating fast as I can, trying to catch these ideas before they get away from me.

Another one is the pleasure-disapproval link - schadenfreude, taking care of others (unnecessarily, habit I'm trying to break) - the parents who SCOWLED when you were 'too happy' (for fuck's sake, I *still* can't get over this one!)

And any number of other linkages. Will have to post this much, come back and edit.

***
What I've noticed is that I tend to feel *guilty* when others around me are unhappy or suffering and *I'm* happy - like, if I'm sitting on my front porch basking in (some brief fleeting moment!) of sunshine, I see (sometimes) people going past on the street, huddled against the cold, biting wind in their jackets, scowling at me.

Now, *that's* an obvious one - why should *I* be sitting around, having a good time, while *they're* slaving their asses off, braving the cold and the miserable wind and etc. etc.

Well, here's a *new* theory: Schadenfreude makes the world go round.

Eliciting it in others, and feeding off their suffering, can become an 'end game' for some people.

Also occurs to me: Is puritanism, and the tendency to connect pleasure with guilt, more common in cold climates, or possibly places where limited resources really *do* affect the whole 'fairness' perception?

Like, I'm thinking of being on the beach in Mexico - maybe you have no money, you're hungry, your clothes are wearing out - but it's still sunny and warm, and, worst case? You can curl up on the beach somewhere and sleep if you have to. No worries about freezing to death, or needing a roof over your head, which is a *massive* part of the whole stress/trauma/drama thing involved in literally *surviving* in a cold climate. Which has a chain reaction in terms of being stuck in jobs you *hate* in order to *survive*, to *put* that essential roof over your head, etc.

Just an idea, and not the first time it's occurred to me, either. But you know how those ideas are - they pop into your head, you write them down, then two weeks later, you've *completely* forgotten about it, moved on to other things.

And then the insidious dread starts creeping in again, and since nobody *talks* about any of this stuff, you start re-playing the old themes of 'self doubt', 'failure', etc., and start blaming yourself (instead of your circumstances) and off you go down the ol' rabbit hole of 'boot-strapping' again.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Hah! But I've *got* you this time, you li'l bugger, right where I *want* you. And this time I'm going to CRUSH you, PULVERIZE you, down to DUST, to POWDER, to blow away in the wind.

And NEVER DARKEN MY DOOR AGAIN!

Shouting on the internet. Sigh! That's what I'm reduced to.

Ach, well. I'll take it, it seems to work (along with a bunch of *other* stuff :-)

***
So I'm noticing (or *trying* to, at least while this 'idea' is fresh in my mind, and hence why I leave the *constant* 'trail of breadcrumbs' here on this BLARGH ( :-) to help me remember)

that I 'tense up' certain parts of my body when I'm feeling certain things. And *trying* to notice the cause/effect/chain reaction thing, which sometimes happens so *insanely* quickly that I'm already halfway down the road to eating half a box of - whatever - before I realize: "Oh, *that's* why I'm eating this! Hm." :-)

And the thing is, *not* to punish oneself (that just *perpetuates* the cycle) but to acknowledge, and allow the thing to 'feed' itself if necessary.

Like me with the sugar: It's like, 100% sugar, *all* the time right now.

And another 'connection' with all this stuff: The area where my gallbladder *used* to be is sort of all - caved in? lately - as if it needs some kind of attention of some kind. At first I was worried that my liver was trying to tell me something, too - but then I noticed the tension of the muscles all around the area, as if I was 'blocking' something with those muscles (weird, I know, but *true*.)

So I've been working with that, playing with the pleasure/guilt connection, and *trying* to see if I can 'break' it, by over-writing it with other experiential stuff. Two steps forward one back - but progress *is* being made, if ever so slowly.
Yay grasshopper! chitinous grin :-)

The connections are many, varied and seemingly *endless*. Like, watching Practical Magic over and over, and focusing on certain scenes with a particularly gorgeous, blue-eyed actor? I feel *guilty*, for fuck's sake - as if *my* pleasure is somehow at fault for all the gloomy-eyed, miserable SOBs *around* me who seem incapable of (or unwilling to?) dredge themselves out of their *own* shame-guilt morasses (more + asses???)

Anyway. I'm *trying* not to feel smug and superior here, and *remember* how long it's taken me to *get* here, and what it's *cost*.

But I'm just so *delighted* to have another point of view, finally! To get some nice, fresh perspective (Ratatouille reference playing in my mind) and fucking move on.

Now have to go 'solidify' all this stuff in real life. May come back later and add more ideas as I think of and/or remember them.

***
Remembered another thing already: Noticing how *many, many* things my - body? mind? ? - seems to 'associate' with 'negativity' and thus a 'feeling to be blocked off', viscerally, literally, with my very muscles - the list is *insanely* long. Seems like it could be a full-time job, for a *while*, at least, til I get the 'hang' of this a bit.

But, if you're into Chinese medicine ways of thinking at all - chakras, meridians, etc. - it all plays into how energy runs through the body, and 're-routing' or 're-channeling' unwanted feelings so that they, sort of - bypass? the 'normal' systems for recognizing said feelings.

Like the whole 'sweetness' thing (five element thinking here, a Chinese medicine idea): Not enough 'sweetness' in life ties *directly* in with this whole guilt/pleasure thing - it's like, feeling *guilty* about 'sweetness' or 'the good things in life' keeps you from actually *processing* and/or, even literally, *ingesting* (at the literal, gut, digestive, visceral level) the right foods.

So I eat massive, massive quantities of sugar, trying to knock this thing on its head, *bypass* it - and, today? I'm *finally* making progress!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!

Because I can *eat* the sugar, but instead of my body 'blocking' the 'pleasurable sensation'? I can actually *enjoy* each bite, which makes me eat less, which means, I can be more in balance with the *other* things my body/mind/psyche needs, and not be so focused and/or 'obsessed' (not judging, just recognizing the *intensity* of the 'focus') on the *one* thing that I've been 'denied' for so freakin' long.

Ahhhhh. :-)

[edited to add: I'm noticing that even the excitement I feel at finally, finally figuring some of this stuff out - is triggering the 'guilt reflex'!

Wow.]

And also? *All* feeling seemed to get blocked by this - wall of muscle? that runs right around my middle, especially right at the center - almost like somebody took a - string? thin piece of rope? and is pulling it tight around my middle, cutting off - everything below? - from everything 'above'. What gets 'through' is this tiny, thin little trickle - whatever my mind can 'handle' of the overwhelming flood of - emotional information? that's 'lurking' down there (guess I'll know I've *truly* made progress when 'lurking' isn't the term that comes to mind - think of it as 'compost', maybe? with lots of good, great? fabulous, delightful, juicy yummy *nutrients* for me to feed off of, learn from, etc.

More work!