more links on shame

From Shame as the Master Emotion, http://www.newenglishreview.org/Thomas_J._Scheff/Shame_as_the_Master_Emotion%3A_Examples_from_Pop_Songs/ (bolds mine):

By an early age, most children have learned to understand speech not only from own point of view, but also from the point of view of the speaker. Comprehension depends on success in taking the role of the other, in reading their minds, so to speak.

Although there are many misses, [...]modern societies depend on a high rate of successful mind-reading. Considerable success must occur not only in conversation, but in most other settings as well[...]

Gradually the child gets so apt at guessing the other’s viewpoint and at going back and forth between the two points of view as to forget what he/she is doing. In forgetting, the child becomes the kind of adult that modern societies imagine us all to be, a self-contained individual. Reading others minds “without knowing it” enables modern societies to live by the myth of the self-reliant individual.

[...]a brilliant psychoanalyst, Helen Block Lewis (1971), provided a conception of shame that is equally social and individual. She proposed that shame is a signal of threat to the bond. This idea would give shame a social dimension as well as an internal one. Similarly, genuine pride (as contrasted with false pride, egotism) is a signal of a secure bond (connectedness). This idea includes the individualist one, since most of our positive feelings about ourselves involve reaching goals that are also held by others.

shame based families

One of the reasons I fear asking anybody in the family for help is the shaming.

I was a 'good' kid for most of my life. And now? As I approach the anniversary of my dad's death 24 years ago (he died when *I* was 24, making me the same age he was when he died at 48) I find myself at the end of my rope, financially, having spent so many years devoting the majority of my life energy just trying to figure out what the *heck* was going on that was making my life so difficult.

I asked for help yesterday, and went into it knowing that I might get a lecture as part of the deal.

I dealt with them fairly straightforwardly, no waffling, whining, complaining, etc. - just the facts, laid out neat and clean, in a nice, tidy row. Lay the facts out, then let the other person decide if they want to help me or not.

That's the way it *ought* to go, right?

So this morning I get a phone message from the relative in question, agreeing to help me.

And that's all I'm saying, because I don't want to deal with the rest of it - focus on what you *want*, eh? Discard the rest.

I'll just add this link here, as part of the ongoing trail of breadcrumbs:

From Shame Based families vs. Grace Based Families,
http://greatgraceministries.blogspot.com/2007/04/back-form-north-carolina-aprill-2007.html (please note: I am *not* religious. Take what you need and leave the rest, as always.)

Shame-Based Family

In shame-based relationships you will find the following characteristics:

1.Out-Loud Shaming:
The message communicated is: “Something is wrong with you”; “You are defective”; “You don’t measure up”; “Why can’t you be like…”

2.Performance-Orientation:
The focus is on doing certain good behaviors and avoiding others as a means of earning love, gaining acceptance, acquiring approval, or proving value. Failure to perform results in shame.

3.Unspoken Rules:
Behavior is governed by rules or standards that are seldom, if ever, spoken out loud. In fact, sometimes the only way they are discovered is when they are broken. There is a “can’t talk about it” rule in effect- which means no one is supposed to notice or mention problems; and if you speak out about a problem, you are the problem. This forces people to keep quiet. There is also a “can’t-win” rule in effect. For instance, children are taught never to lie; they are also told to never tell Grandma her meatloaf tastes bad. No matter how hard you try to keep these contradictory rules, you always fail to perform. And failure to perform results in shame. These rules tend to govern future relationships, unless they are realized and broken on purpose.

4.Communicating Through “Coding”:
Talking about feelings or needs leaves you feeling ashamed for being so “selfish”. Talking about problems breaks the “can’t talk about it” rule and gets you shamed for being the problem. Therefore, family members learn to say things in code, or they send messages to each other indirectly through other people.

5.Idolatry:
Family members are taught to turn to things [...] as the measure of their value and identity. The measuring stick becomes: how things look; what people think; [...] acquiring possessions.

6.Putting Kids Through A Hard time:
Kids are involved in the messy and imperfect process of finding out about life. But the family cares most about how things look and what people think. Therefore, just being a kid becomes a shaming thing. Children must learn to act like miniature adults in order to avoid shame.

7.Preoccupation With Fault And Blame:
Since there is such a focus on performance in this family, lack of performance must be tracked down and eradicated. Fault and blame are the order of the day. The purpose of the question, “Who is responsible?” is to find out who to blame. That way the culprit can be shamed, humiliated, and made to feel so bad that he won’t do the behavior again.

8.Strong On “Head Skills”:
Family members become experts at defending themselves. Blaming, rationalizing, minimizing, and denial are just some of the ways people try to push away the shame message- usually in vain.

9.Weak On “Heart Skills”:
“Can’t feel” is another rule governing this system. Feelings are wrong, selfish or unnecessary. People in shame-based families don’t know how they feel or how to respond to their feelings. These are emotionally reactive places.

why one child is singled out by parents

I don't even know what to call this - the definitions of 'abuse' are so all over the map and variable, it seems like the language you use doesn't even really matter. It's more about what you FEEL - no matter how good a parent's 'intentions' were, in the end it's what you FEEL that tells the story best.

Now, granted, a child can *massively* misunderstand what's going on to and around her, I'm sure that's more common than not. And children *often* take the blame for things over which they have no control, and feel guilty for things that weren't their fault, or that they had nothing to do with. This again reflects on parents who were - not clued in enough? to ask their child enough questions to find out what was going *on* with that child, and to then help her deal with whatever it was that had her emotionally so far out on a limb - help her get back to a 'safe' place, emotionally speaking.

Sigh. This is another 'thinking out loud' post, as so many are, and will probably be all over the map (and, of course, not as eloquent, polished or refined as I *wish* it could be.) But I gotta do what I gotta do, which means, write and run, hit 'post', go forward, move ahead (lyrics from some song trying to come in on brain radio - eek, it's 'Whip It' from, what, the 80's? yikes.)

Long excerpt from Why Parents Target a Specific Child for Abuse,
http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/why-parents-target-a-specific-child-for-abuse.html:

An abusive parent is a person who misuses his or her power. If parenting becomes overwhelming and support systems are insufficient, there is a much higher likelihood for becoming a child abuser. Some adults are more prone to becoming abusive due to their histories, their psychological make up, and their behavioural characteristics. Biological factors also enter into the equation. An abusive parent tends to have:

* low self-esteem
* poor impulse control
* low frustration tolerance
* inappropriate expression of anger
* impaired parenting skills
* inadequate coping skills
* tendency for role reversal (i.e. child takes care of parent)
* tendency to shift responsibility onto others
* depression and other mental health problems
* inadequate knowledge of child developmental stages
* preconception that child's behaviour is stressful
* anti-social behaviours (but not always)
* self-expressed anger
* feelings of inadequacy
* feelings of incompetence
* unrealistic expectations

There are a multitude of reasons a parent might target a specific child for abuse:

* the parent abuses alcohol, drugs or other substances
* post-partum depression
* a history of child abuse in their own childhood
* a history in their own childhood of inappropriate teachings of discipline for specific wrongdoings
* social isolation
* poor coping skills
* a hatred of one gender over another
* belief that a boy should be raised differently, in some cases, with more brutality and physically inappropriate discipline than a girl
* the child is viewed as "difficult" or "won't listen" or "different"
o hyperactive or inactive
o fussy
o difficult to feed
o abnormal sleep patterns
o excessive crying
o difficult temperament
o unresponsive to parents' efforts
o child is seen as "unattractive" and/or "flawed" in a physical way, such as with disability or disfigurement
o too passive
o too strong-willed
o failure to attach (bond) with the child
o adopted
o adolescents
* the child is viewed as an adversary (a mother might see her daughter as competition for her husband's attention; a father might see in his daughter a trait he dislikes in his wife and view her as an enemy)
* the child is viewed as being "spoiled" by the other parent – in these cases, the abusive parent justifies the maltreatment of that child as "making up" for the perceived lack of discipline imposed on that child
* the parent dislikes certain personality traits and quirks that the child exhibits, especially if these traits are seen as mimicking someone the parent is either suspicious of or has a particular aversion to (an estranged or abusive spouse, for example)
* the parent dislikes the fact that the child resembles in looks, someone the parent feels loathing toward (a spouse who has been unfaithful, for example)
* the parent is jealous of the child's looks, mannerisms, character, ability to get attention, etc., then subsequently punishes the child for those perceived "misdeeds"
* the child was a product of infidelity, incest, sexual assault, or an otherwise unwanted pregnancy
* the pregnancy or delivery was difficult
* child was born during period of extreme stress and crises
* disappointment that the boy-child wasn't a girl, or the girl-child wasn't a boy
* child is seen as "abnormal"
o born significantly premature
o small for gestational age
o congenital problems
o autistic
o born with a disability or disfigurement
o acute or chronic illnesses

It is important to note here that the above reasons and examples in no way provide an excuse for parents to abuse a child. They clearly denote mental health issues that must be addressed.

To summarize, parenting is never easy, and being a parent does not immunize a person from harming a child, even when that child is biologically theirs. When a child does not meet expectations, the parent may become more abusive toward that child. The parent may show greater irritation and annoyance to one specific child's moods and behaviours, and may be more controlling and hostile toward that child, and subsequently vent their frustrations on that child.

Parents who target one child for abuse have convoluted ideas about who and what that child is, as well as what is and isn't appropriate discipline and parental behaviour. Some children by virtue of who they are, what they look like, and the circumstances of their being are more vulnerable for abuse than other children. When these realities are combined, it is a recipe for malicious and sometimes fatal child abuse.

ground self with something familiar and safe

when triggered, must get myself back to solid ground somehow.

distract;
calm;
manage body chemicals (through food, caffeine, sleep, sunshine, whatever’s handy and will get me back to ‘neutral’ as quickly as possible).

I find myself watching the same videos over and over again, as if they’re the ‘safe’ family I never had – these familiar faces and voices seem friendly and calming, peaceful, familiar. When you don’t have a solid *enough*, secure *enough* connection with *some*one in your family, *some*where, you have to create such ‘solidity in your life, as best you can, using whatever materials and/or humans you can lay hands on. And be *constantly* seeking for improvements – better materials to work with (things, people) and better situations to be in, that won’t be constantly ‘triggering’ you and returning you to your (for want of a less dramatic word) ‘traumatised’ state.

Now *I* don’t question that what I’m experiencing is trauma – if you’ve ever been through a panic attack, you won’t tell me that doesn’t count as some form of PTSD. In fact, I’d wager it could even cause PTSD – the ones *I’ve* experienced felt like I was as near to dying as I could possibly imagine, to the point that a couple of times I was so terrified I called 911 just to get *some*body to come help me. Both times? It was *totally* worth it, in spite of the sense of having overreacted to what was basically massive levels of anxiety and stress.

As an infant I never experienced calm, because my parents were both (unintentionally?) traumatizing to me in their insensitive and emotionally unresponsive behavior, as well as the fact that they *both* seemed either unwilling or unable to calm me down.

So I learned to ‘zone out’ instead – in fact, one of my nephews must have used a similar trick, I remember him going into what we called his ‘catatonic’ state, where, at about the age of two or three, he’d go into this almost zombie-like state for as much as ten minutes or so. I remember thinking that he just needed to escape the unbearable situation of being mocked, teased and emotionally tortured by the very people who were supposed to be caring for him – they traumatized him in ways I’m sure have yet to fully reach the surface of his personality and character (he, the nephew, is now in his mid-teens, and I don’t see him much).

Anyway – for *me*, the similar ‘zoning out’ that *I* did was to disappear into books – they were the only place I felt ‘safe’ from the overwhelming, uncontrollable, and most importantly, inescapable feelings of trauma and stress that I felt around my parents. They were so fucking CLUELESS.

So now, as an adult, I *still* have these old ‘coping’ patterns, and they’re coming more and more to the surface, as I’m learning ways to deal with them and learning, also, to avoid people and situations that re-traumatize me.

So I just had the realization, just now when the power went out and I was feeling sick to my stomach from the acid stress chemicals in my body, that the ‘straw’ that had sent me over the edge was I couldn’t use my videos to calm me down.

*I* see the videos as progress from books – now books can just be books, instead of escape mechanisms from reality. Which doesn’t mean I don’t still use them as escape routes, it’s just that, *some*times they’re just books. Which is very cool – yay, Grassy! :-)

The videos constitute ‘progress’, because people, even ‘virtual’ ones, no longer frighten me the way they used to – I’ve sorted out *many* of the characteristics, behavioral attributes, patterns, situations and whatnot that *trigger* me, and am more and more able, all the time, to ‘escape’ bad situations and to find people who actually don’t traumatize me in the first place. And to be less affected by people who exhibit patterns of behavior that push my buttons.

(note to self: That conductor last night was pushing my buttons. I did *reasonably* well at staying stable – I’ve learned to just simply push back when it feels like someone’s trying to put me off balance, whether intentionally or not.)

When all else fails, curling up with Doggle on the bed with my blankies pulled round me is good – hiding under the cover helps, sometimes – just keeping myself physically warm is excellent - warming that little ‘fear place’ inside me, so that it can stop feeling scared.

And then, when I’ve calmed down again? I can return to ‘normal’ activities without too much fuss.

There was *one* friend who once realized I was ‘triggered’ – he actually said it out loud and asked if he could do anything to help!

I was amazed, astonished, befuddled, surprised, bemused, but most of all? Delighted!

Because, as I *told* him, in response to his query, that what he was *doing* was exactly what I needed: Staying *with* me, asking the questions and listening to the answers, then doing what I asked for. Which was, really,

just being with me and showing concern and caring.

Not fucking rocket science, eh? Jesus, parents are fucking STUPID, sometimes.

***
Sometimes I’ll use a little booze to knock it out, depending on how functional my mind needs to be the next day, or later that same day.

Sometimes, I’ll just go to sleep, if that won’t *add* to the stress, or if I just have the time.

not responsible for your own pain.

Meaning: Not responsible that the feeling occurs. How you *deal* with it? Yes, of course - *that* you’re responsible for. But the fact that the feeling happened? No. That would be like blaming the check engine lights on your dashboard for your engine failing. Feelings are just information.

I’ll try to explain my thinking here.

For example:
If someone steps on your toe, hard, and you scream, “OWWWwwwwww!!!!” in pain, and glare at them angrily,

who’s responsible for the pain and anger

This is an interesting question, because, as *I* understand, *our* culture says:

Thou shalt not ‘blame’ others for anything that happens to you, for that makes you a

weak, pathetic,victim,

which is, of course (in *this* culture) and outcome to be avoided at *all* costs, because, if you don’t? You’ll be dealing with the shame and ignominy of having failed to

suck it up

on top of everything else. So in addition to whatever *else* you may have al*ready* been feeling – pain, fear, anger – you’re expected to swallow this as well, this – punishment? for having

dared to have feelings in front of other people.

***
I find I’m feeling angry as I type this – not rage, exactly, but more like outrage – that insulted feeling that somebody’s *pulled* something on you – a trick, a shenanigan, a ruse. And that I fucking fell for it, all those years ago, as a child, and once that die has been cast? Pretty tough, it seems, to persuade people that you’re no longer interested in playing that role, and that you want to be treated like an actual human being now.

But here goes.

***
So I’m going to posit, that when you feel that stab of pain and anger, the fierce reaction to having been hurt, that you *use* those feelings exactly the way they were designed to be used: To protect yourself from further injury.

So, ideally, you yell, “Ow!” at a volume level and intensity n direct proportion to the level of pain you’re feeling, which, one *hopes*, is actually in proportion to how hard the person stepped on you – I mention this because, in *my* experience, if I’ve got *other* ‘unexpressed’ pain that needs to come out, it will sometimes ‘piggyback’ or sort of opportunistically ‘latch on’ to something less – complicated? such as having your toe stepped on. Kind of like, how you might be mad about 27 *other* things that happened that day, but it’s the guy who cuts you off in traffic who gets the business end of all that rage, and you chase him down the road shaking your fist and screaming at the top of your lungs, cursing him – effectively venting all the rage, shame, anger and frustration that may have accumulated from earlier events.

So that’s obvious, right?

But what’s *not* so obvious to *me* is, why do we hold the rage and pain in in the first place? I mean, I *know* there are ‘social rules’ about all this stuff, but isn’t ‘don’t rock other people’s boat’ kind of a stupid way to solve problems?

Because what you end *up* with, in this so-called ‘civilization’, is a bunch of edgy, cranky folks who are ready to go off half-cocked at a moment’s notice like a hair-triggered landmine. How is *that* a good situation? I’m not seein’ it, myself.

So here’s my proposal: That when you *feel* pain or anger, you *express* it, to the best of your ability, right at the moment it happens, doing your *best* to only express as much anger and pain as is actually *proportionate* to the ‘cause’.

***
The reason I bring all this up is because, after *all* this work – all these years of digging and searching and seeking, volume upon volume of written correspondence and internal whatsit and what have you, there’s *still* this sort of – lump? of unexpressed something, some combination of fear and pain, that I can’t quite get hold of, coax out into the light where I can help it.

And maybe? Maybe, I just have to let it *sit* there, in the darkness of my gut, and *fester* for a while longer, let it feel *safe*, ok to just be.

Maybe that’s the problem? Is that I keep trying to get *rid* of it, like it’s something bad and dark and shameful, something horrible, rotten and detestable?

And maybe that echoes all the reasons why it got stuck there in the first place, because nobody would allow it to just *be*, including *me*?

The other part is where I simply *recognize* that, hey, *I* didn’t do the things that cause the pain, shame, fear and anger in the first place – they’re things that *happened* to me, or that somebody *did* to me, either intentionally or unintentionally.

When one of those ‘old pieces of business’ comes up these days, I have a *better* shot of knowing a) How much is old, and how much new, and b) What to do about it.

So I’ve come a loooong way, and what remains is to be

patient
kind
compassionate

with this frightened infant part of myself who still huddles in my gut, at the core of my being, still waiting, patiently, for someone to pick her up and care for her, offer her comfort, encouragement and tender concern for her happiness and well-being. I guess, for *now*, that person’s gotta be *me*, doing the best I can, with a little help now and then from any friends who are willing and able to help me with such things.

The point about ‘not being responsible for my own pain?’ It’s like the hug thing – theses are relational issues, and thus, in *my* opinion, need to be *dealt* with ‘relationally’. In other words, the pain doesn’t just go away by itself – it *needs* to be expressed and comforted.

And if you *have* to do it by yourself, because you have no other choice?

Then so be it, *everybody* does what they gotta do.

But, *ideally*? There’d be someone there to *help* you with it, just as there should have been someone helping you with it when you were little.

So there, that’s my theory, Needs some work, pretty rough, but it’s a starting place.