Now, granted, a child can *massively* misunderstand what's going on to and around her, I'm sure that's more common than not. And children *often* take the blame for things over which they have no control, and feel guilty for things that weren't their fault, or that they had nothing to do with. This again reflects on parents who were - not clued in enough? to ask their child enough questions to find out what was going *on* with that child, and to then help her deal with whatever it was that had her emotionally so far out on a limb - help her get back to a 'safe' place, emotionally speaking.
Sigh. This is another 'thinking out loud' post, as so many are, and will probably be all over the map (and, of course, not as eloquent, polished or refined as I *wish* it could be.) But I gotta do what I gotta do, which means, write and run, hit 'post', go forward, move ahead (lyrics from some song trying to come in on brain radio - eek, it's 'Whip It' from, what, the 80's? yikes.)
Long excerpt from Why Parents Target a Specific Child for Abuse,
http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/why-parents-target-a-specific-child-for-abuse.html:
An abusive parent is a person who misuses his or her power. If parenting becomes overwhelming and support systems are insufficient, there is a much higher likelihood for becoming a child abuser. Some adults are more prone to becoming abusive due to their histories, their psychological make up, and their behavioural characteristics. Biological factors also enter into the equation. An abusive parent tends to have:
* low self-esteem
* poor impulse control
* low frustration tolerance
* inappropriate expression of anger
* impaired parenting skills
* inadequate coping skills
* tendency for role reversal (i.e. child takes care of parent)
* tendency to shift responsibility onto others
* depression and other mental health problems
* inadequate knowledge of child developmental stages
* preconception that child's behaviour is stressful
* anti-social behaviours (but not always)
* self-expressed anger
* feelings of inadequacy
* feelings of incompetence
* unrealistic expectations
There are a multitude of reasons a parent might target a specific child for abuse:
* the parent abuses alcohol, drugs or other substances
* post-partum depression
* a history of child abuse in their own childhood
* a history in their own childhood of inappropriate teachings of discipline for specific wrongdoings
* social isolation
* poor coping skills
* a hatred of one gender over another
* belief that a boy should be raised differently, in some cases, with more brutality and physically inappropriate discipline than a girl
* the child is viewed as "difficult" or "won't listen" or "different"
o hyperactive or inactive
o fussy
o difficult to feed
o abnormal sleep patterns
o excessive crying
o difficult temperament
o unresponsive to parents' efforts
o child is seen as "unattractive" and/or "flawed" in a physical way, such as with disability or disfigurement
o too passive
o too strong-willed
o failure to attach (bond) with the child
o adopted
o adolescents
* the child is viewed as an adversary (a mother might see her daughter as competition for her husband's attention; a father might see in his daughter a trait he dislikes in his wife and view her as an enemy)
* the child is viewed as being "spoiled" by the other parent – in these cases, the abusive parent justifies the maltreatment of that child as "making up" for the perceived lack of discipline imposed on that child
* the parent dislikes certain personality traits and quirks that the child exhibits, especially if these traits are seen as mimicking someone the parent is either suspicious of or has a particular aversion to (an estranged or abusive spouse, for example)
* the parent dislikes the fact that the child resembles in looks, someone the parent feels loathing toward (a spouse who has been unfaithful, for example)
* the parent is jealous of the child's looks, mannerisms, character, ability to get attention, etc., then subsequently punishes the child for those perceived "misdeeds"
* the child was a product of infidelity, incest, sexual assault, or an otherwise unwanted pregnancy
* the pregnancy or delivery was difficult
* child was born during period of extreme stress and crises
* disappointment that the boy-child wasn't a girl, or the girl-child wasn't a boy
* child is seen as "abnormal"
o born significantly premature
o small for gestational age
o congenital problems
o autistic
o born with a disability or disfigurement
o acute or chronic illnesses
It is important to note here that the above reasons and examples in no way provide an excuse for parents to abuse a child. They clearly denote mental health issues that must be addressed.
To summarize, parenting is never easy, and being a parent does not immunize a person from harming a child, even when that child is biologically theirs. When a child does not meet expectations, the parent may become more abusive toward that child. The parent may show greater irritation and annoyance to one specific child's moods and behaviours, and may be more controlling and hostile toward that child, and subsequently vent their frustrations on that child.
Parents who target one child for abuse have convoluted ideas about who and what that child is, as well as what is and isn't appropriate discipline and parental behaviour. Some children by virtue of who they are, what they look like, and the circumstances of their being are more vulnerable for abuse than other children. When these realities are combined, it is a recipe for malicious and sometimes fatal child abuse.
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