I was a 'good' kid for most of my life. And now? As I approach the anniversary of my dad's death 24 years ago (he died when *I* was 24, making me the same age he was when he died at 48) I find myself at the end of my rope, financially, having spent so many years devoting the majority of my life energy just trying to figure out what the *heck* was going on that was making my life so difficult.
I asked for help yesterday, and went into it knowing that I might get a lecture as part of the deal.
I dealt with them fairly straightforwardly, no waffling, whining, complaining, etc. - just the facts, laid out neat and clean, in a nice, tidy row. Lay the facts out, then let the other person decide if they want to help me or not.
That's the way it *ought* to go, right?
So this morning I get a phone message from the relative in question, agreeing to help me.
And that's all I'm saying, because I don't want to deal with the rest of it - focus on what you *want*, eh? Discard the rest.
I'll just add this link here, as part of the ongoing trail of breadcrumbs:
From Shame Based families vs. Grace Based Families,
http://greatgraceministries.blogspot.com/2007/04/back-form-north-carolina-aprill-2007.html (please note: I am *not* religious. Take what you need and leave the rest, as always.)
Shame-Based Family
In shame-based relationships you will find the following characteristics:
1.Out-Loud Shaming:
The message communicated is: “Something is wrong with you”; “You are defective”; “You don’t measure up”; “Why can’t you be like…”
2.Performance-Orientation:
The focus is on doing certain good behaviors and avoiding others as a means of earning love, gaining acceptance, acquiring approval, or proving value. Failure to perform results in shame.
3.Unspoken Rules:
Behavior is governed by rules or standards that are seldom, if ever, spoken out loud. In fact, sometimes the only way they are discovered is when they are broken. There is a “can’t talk about it” rule in effect- which means no one is supposed to notice or mention problems; and if you speak out about a problem, you are the problem. This forces people to keep quiet. There is also a “can’t-win” rule in effect. For instance, children are taught never to lie; they are also told to never tell Grandma her meatloaf tastes bad. No matter how hard you try to keep these contradictory rules, you always fail to perform. And failure to perform results in shame. These rules tend to govern future relationships, unless they are realized and broken on purpose.
4.Communicating Through “Coding”:
Talking about feelings or needs leaves you feeling ashamed for being so “selfish”. Talking about problems breaks the “can’t talk about it” rule and gets you shamed for being the problem. Therefore, family members learn to say things in code, or they send messages to each other indirectly through other people.
5.Idolatry:
Family members are taught to turn to things [...] as the measure of their value and identity. The measuring stick becomes: how things look; what people think; [...] acquiring possessions.
6.Putting Kids Through A Hard time:
Kids are involved in the messy and imperfect process of finding out about life. But the family cares most about how things look and what people think. Therefore, just being a kid becomes a shaming thing. Children must learn to act like miniature adults in order to avoid shame.
7.Preoccupation With Fault And Blame:
Since there is such a focus on performance in this family, lack of performance must be tracked down and eradicated. Fault and blame are the order of the day. The purpose of the question, “Who is responsible?” is to find out who to blame. That way the culprit can be shamed, humiliated, and made to feel so bad that he won’t do the behavior again.
8.Strong On “Head Skills”:
Family members become experts at defending themselves. Blaming, rationalizing, minimizing, and denial are just some of the ways people try to push away the shame message- usually in vain.
9.Weak On “Heart Skills”:
“Can’t feel” is another rule governing this system. Feelings are wrong, selfish or unnecessary. People in shame-based families don’t know how they feel or how to respond to their feelings. These are emotionally reactive places.
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