ground self with something familiar and safe

when triggered, must get myself back to solid ground somehow.

distract;
calm;
manage body chemicals (through food, caffeine, sleep, sunshine, whatever’s handy and will get me back to ‘neutral’ as quickly as possible).

I find myself watching the same videos over and over again, as if they’re the ‘safe’ family I never had – these familiar faces and voices seem friendly and calming, peaceful, familiar. When you don’t have a solid *enough*, secure *enough* connection with *some*one in your family, *some*where, you have to create such ‘solidity in your life, as best you can, using whatever materials and/or humans you can lay hands on. And be *constantly* seeking for improvements – better materials to work with (things, people) and better situations to be in, that won’t be constantly ‘triggering’ you and returning you to your (for want of a less dramatic word) ‘traumatised’ state.

Now *I* don’t question that what I’m experiencing is trauma – if you’ve ever been through a panic attack, you won’t tell me that doesn’t count as some form of PTSD. In fact, I’d wager it could even cause PTSD – the ones *I’ve* experienced felt like I was as near to dying as I could possibly imagine, to the point that a couple of times I was so terrified I called 911 just to get *some*body to come help me. Both times? It was *totally* worth it, in spite of the sense of having overreacted to what was basically massive levels of anxiety and stress.

As an infant I never experienced calm, because my parents were both (unintentionally?) traumatizing to me in their insensitive and emotionally unresponsive behavior, as well as the fact that they *both* seemed either unwilling or unable to calm me down.

So I learned to ‘zone out’ instead – in fact, one of my nephews must have used a similar trick, I remember him going into what we called his ‘catatonic’ state, where, at about the age of two or three, he’d go into this almost zombie-like state for as much as ten minutes or so. I remember thinking that he just needed to escape the unbearable situation of being mocked, teased and emotionally tortured by the very people who were supposed to be caring for him – they traumatized him in ways I’m sure have yet to fully reach the surface of his personality and character (he, the nephew, is now in his mid-teens, and I don’t see him much).

Anyway – for *me*, the similar ‘zoning out’ that *I* did was to disappear into books – they were the only place I felt ‘safe’ from the overwhelming, uncontrollable, and most importantly, inescapable feelings of trauma and stress that I felt around my parents. They were so fucking CLUELESS.

So now, as an adult, I *still* have these old ‘coping’ patterns, and they’re coming more and more to the surface, as I’m learning ways to deal with them and learning, also, to avoid people and situations that re-traumatize me.

So I just had the realization, just now when the power went out and I was feeling sick to my stomach from the acid stress chemicals in my body, that the ‘straw’ that had sent me over the edge was I couldn’t use my videos to calm me down.

*I* see the videos as progress from books – now books can just be books, instead of escape mechanisms from reality. Which doesn’t mean I don’t still use them as escape routes, it’s just that, *some*times they’re just books. Which is very cool – yay, Grassy! :-)

The videos constitute ‘progress’, because people, even ‘virtual’ ones, no longer frighten me the way they used to – I’ve sorted out *many* of the characteristics, behavioral attributes, patterns, situations and whatnot that *trigger* me, and am more and more able, all the time, to ‘escape’ bad situations and to find people who actually don’t traumatize me in the first place. And to be less affected by people who exhibit patterns of behavior that push my buttons.

(note to self: That conductor last night was pushing my buttons. I did *reasonably* well at staying stable – I’ve learned to just simply push back when it feels like someone’s trying to put me off balance, whether intentionally or not.)

When all else fails, curling up with Doggle on the bed with my blankies pulled round me is good – hiding under the cover helps, sometimes – just keeping myself physically warm is excellent - warming that little ‘fear place’ inside me, so that it can stop feeling scared.

And then, when I’ve calmed down again? I can return to ‘normal’ activities without too much fuss.

There was *one* friend who once realized I was ‘triggered’ – he actually said it out loud and asked if he could do anything to help!

I was amazed, astonished, befuddled, surprised, bemused, but most of all? Delighted!

Because, as I *told* him, in response to his query, that what he was *doing* was exactly what I needed: Staying *with* me, asking the questions and listening to the answers, then doing what I asked for. Which was, really,

just being with me and showing concern and caring.

Not fucking rocket science, eh? Jesus, parents are fucking STUPID, sometimes.

***
Sometimes I’ll use a little booze to knock it out, depending on how functional my mind needs to be the next day, or later that same day.

Sometimes, I’ll just go to sleep, if that won’t *add* to the stress, or if I just have the time.