Hermit

It's funny, I've been more and more of a hermit, as I try to follow my 'gut' and let things fall away and trust (hope?) that somehow I will survive in spite of having less work and even *less* money.

That I will 'turn the corner' just at the right moment, and things will begin coming up roses. That if I just BELIEVE (and, of course, click my heels in my red ruby slippers :-) that it will ALL COME TOGETHER.

Now, I'm not saying I believe in magic.

Nor do I believe in positive thinking.

But I *do* believe in being yourself as hard as you can. Because, otherwise, what's the point? If you go through life trying to be someone other than who you *are*, you're DOOMED to misery. Or, at least, that's what *I* think.

But. Who is this *I* of whom I speak? I mean, *I*, on one day, might be this happy, cheerful, carefree, delightful, charming being who smiles at everyone and scatters fairydust upon one and all, and the world seems full of rainbows and unicorns and sparkle ponies.

And then: Gray, gloom, doom. Horrors! So much turns upon so little - one cog loses a tooth and the whole machine seizes up.

And yet, at the same time, I feel, often, like that cactus in the desert that blooms riotously with the tiniest drop of rain. Because my life has been so sere in certain ways, I bloom easily and quickly under the tender care of any random passerby.

So which is it?

The answer is: Both. I am mercurial, and fickle, and unpredictable. As are life, and the weather. Why expect *me* to remain unchanging when everything around me is like a roulette wheel, a kaleidoscope, an endless going-to-hell-in-a-bucket ride.

Why not just hang on and enjoy it?

***
Like today. After not having *touched* my fiddle in, oh, maybe a week? Two? I had a rehearsal this afternoon with a bunch of people I didn't know in a place I'd never been playing music I'd never seen (well, not *all* of it - some of the tunes were old familiars.)

Standard 'pro' gig, right? Everything's a crap shoot. You have no idea what's going to happen, and you hope for the best. And usually it works out fine, as long as none of the giant, competing egos in the room fall and CRUSH you to death.

So, speaking of egos, the lady who hired me for the gig is someone who annoys the living *crap* out of me, and for whom I have avoided playing, like the plague, lo these many years.

But this particular time the combination of factors was right: The timing (no other gigs that particular weekend); the money is marginal, but just barely adequate; it's a small ensemble; and the music and venue sounded interesting - a combination of old favorites and a few new works to back up a dance troupe. Never done something like that, and it's in a 'cool' part of town. Figured I'd be playing with a bunch of young, up-and-coming, wannabe hipsters who're trying to get in on the artsy scene.

So I drag my fanny up there, resisting all the way, still feeling funked out from caffeine and sugar and stress. And having to amp myself up for this after not having played for so long.

I get there, and sure enough: The room is practically *seething* with the energy of all these huge egos bashing off the walls. I want to lie down on the floor and just collapse, and not move. I can feel my energy draining away already.

So, I make a decision, though not really consciously (I see it more in retrospect): I will *not* let these people get to me. I will play the music *my* way, and be a good musician on *my* terms. I will absolutely *not* get sucked into the power and ego bullshit.

And it works! I think only because, out of the 8 or so people there, not including the dancer, at least two of the other players (interestingly, they were both men? Most of the friction was with the lady who hired me, and her daughter) seemed to be sort of 'on my side' - I kept making asides that kind of went opposite to what the 'dominators' were saying.

And even though I *thought* I was muttering them under my breath, people kept responding to what I was saying! So, it was as if I was actually *needed*, by the dynamic of the group, kind of like finding the right blend of ingredients for a stew (or possibly something more elegant :-)

In fact this was confirmed at the end, when somebody made a comment about appreciating me bringing my 'fiddlistic' viewpoint to the group, and I said, "I feel like I'm playing tug of war!" And the guy said, "Well, that means we need you even more!" (This was the composer guy saying this, who happened to also be one of the cellists.)

And I said, "Well, if I just suddenly *stop*, it's because I'm just taking a rest." And he laughed (slightly tensely - turns out he's the hiring lady's *son* [no nepotism *here*, no-sirree-Bob] and I think he felt a bit caught in the middle, but also seemed appreciative to not be the only one to have to stand up to his domineering mother. [ach, the feminist in me is saying, whose side are you *on* here, girl? confusing]) and said, "Tension and release." Which is, of course, the standard formula for all dynamic art forms - music, dance, movies, etc.

So I escaped with my life! And my ego was not steamrollered, I didn't have to shake it back into 3D shape like one of those Wile E. type characters in cartoons.

Whew.

Oh, so I'm just remembering the original thought that triggered all this:
(dagnab blooger - yes, BLOOGER, like BOOGER :-) - ATE a piece of my post! Will attempt to re-create.)

Periodically I wonder whether all this hermiting is doing me any good. Like, all this time I spend processing and 'learning' new ways of thinking and being and trying like *mad* to overwrite the old negative, destructive tape loops in my brain - is it *working*?

And today I say: Fuck YEAH, it's working! I mean, just LOOK at what I did today! That was un-fucking-beLIEVable! I mean, I stood up to them in ways that I'd *never* have done before, not where actual money and future (possible) reputation was at stake. I basically just said, fuck it - if I can't be myself at a gig like *this*? Then I don't want any part of this particular world any more. These people are just TOO fucking uptight, and, frankly, NON-MUSICAL for me. *I* get accused of 'thinking too much', but in fact I'm actually *quite* right-brained when it comes to music and art. I *think* I have the ability (most of the time) to *switch* between right- and left-brained thinking depending on the people and the situation. I mean, isn't that why we *have* both halves? Seems pretty silly to me that we each have these huge, giant crania (? singular?), but that most people only use *half* (or less?) of the supposed capacity they've got. Blargh.

So I just have to keep trusting my instincts. Yay, me! :-) Because, truly, what else can I *do*, as I said before? I *have* to be ME, just as hard as can. Because I really, truly believe there's no *point* otherwise.

I suppose the *obvious*, positive-thinking-spin answer to all this is, if you just be your*self*, then you'll piss off or drive away all those with whom you're *not* compatible, and anybody left standing (a kind of emotional version of musical chairs, maybe?) has *got* to be at least an approximation of a possible companion, compatriot, whatever.

So I'm goin' with it, fer now, less'n I think o' somethin' better.

Damocles, or: Fortunately, Unfortunately

Watching Lemony Snickets. I watched it once before, didn't make much of an impression, except that I loved the over-the-top stage sets (or whatever you call it in movies). (And decided Jim Carry was an obnoxious SOB, although, I have to admit, he's *insanely* [nyuk nyuk] perfect as the terryingly oppressive, cruel guardian to the children.)

So I've watched it 3 or 4 times in the last few days, wondering what draws me to it just now (other than the fact that nothing else that I've ordered has come in at the library :-).

I'm guessing that it's because the kids in the movie are so freakin' SMART! I feel just like them, though I have to say I relate a bit more to the boy than to the girl - he's a reader. Though she's an inventor, and I'm an inventor too, though more in the sense of having random, mad, wacky (and wonderful) ideas constantly, just with no particular inclination to follow them through. The ideas that I actually *make* are more like - toys, or 'creations' - things out of paper and string and fabric and whatever happens to be lying around. Something pretty to look at, that moves and changes color and flashes in the light, or plays with light and shadow. Sort of like moving artwork, like mobiles and such.

(Yes, I'm a parenthetical thinker. But I do - usually - *eventually* remember and/or wander back to the place/subject I started with. Though sometimes? not. :-)

***
So anyway. Damocles.

So I'm watching this movie for the nth time, and suddenly I notice that the boat dock where the kids land to stay with their Aunt Josephine (the 3rd in a series of unfortunate attempts at finding them a guardian) is called 'Damocles Dock'.

Curious, I google Damocles. The gist is, this king named Dionysius was a really wealthy dude, and had many followers. One day, overhearing a fellow named Damocles admiring the king's charmed life, Dionysius said to Damocles, "Well, how would you like to trade places for a day?"

So Damocles became king for a day, enjoying all the luxuries and privileges of the king.

As he sat down for the evening meal, and was lifting a goblet of wine to his lips, Damocles happened to glance upward and was shocked and horrified to see a huge sword hanging from the ceiling by a single horsehair, the blade nearly touching his head.

He exclaimed about it to the king, who said, "Well, this is what my life is like. At any moment someone, anyone, really, could decide to cut that thread and end my life. So, what do you think now? Do you still wish you could have my life?"

Damocles, of course, realized that things were not as magical and easy for the king as he had believed. So he went back to his own life and was ever grateful that he didn't live a life so fraught with peril as the king's.

(I'm paraphrasing from a version I got here: http://www dot inspirationalstories.com/0/2.html. Partly trying to get better at storytelling, and was also *trying* for a shorter version. Alas. Maybe next time :-)

***
So, in the movie (Lemony Snickets), Damocles Dock suggests impending doom or disaster. A warning.

But what it made me think about was how things can turn so quickly.

Like the book, "Fortunately, Unfortunately," we used to have when I was a kid. It went something like this:

"Fred (I can't remember the guy's name) was flying along in his airplane, having a lovely time.

"Unfortunately, the motor died, and the plane began to fall.

"Fortunately, Fred had a parachute.

"Unfortunately, the parachute wouldn't open.

"Fortunately, there was a haystack directly below where Fred was falling.

"Unfortunately, there was a pitchfork sticking up from the haystack!"

And the book goes on and on in this vein, I can't remember how it comes out - whether Fred is, in the end, fortunate, or unfortunate.

***
So all that was a windup to today's story.

I'm running out of steam, so I'll try to make it short.

My car got stuck, and a Good Samaritan came along and rescued me.  My car's still sitting where it stopped, but I got home, along with all my stuff, and am here typing on my computer in my warm, cozy room in my little house.

So.  I'm grateful for the person who helped me!  And am fully aware that THINGS CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE.

Instead of worrying about them?  I'm watching this movie.  Again.  Like a good little escapist :-)

Fall: A time of grieving, and letting go

According to Chinese notions of energy and the body, Fall is the time when old, unfinished emotional business comes to the surface and asks, yet again to be resolved. Grief, mainly - loss, remorse, etc. According to this belief system, the body parts most affected by unexpressed old grief are lungs and large intestine.

I'm re-watching Ice Age for the millionth time, and the scene where the little mammoth curls up under a snow-covered tree, lost, seeking shelter, and finds a mama possum hanging down, peering at her.

The mama possum takes her in (yeah, well, it's a *cartoon*. *I* didn't write the story!), and Ellie (the mammoth) becomes part of the possum family.

Knowing my downstairs neighbor was home, and hearing how quiet it is, I was aware that he'd hear me if I cried, and I felt embarrassed. So I cried a little, but not enough.

Minutes later, my throat started to feel sore.

So, I stopped the movie, thought about my plans for the afternoon - need to renew my vehicle tabs, but it's a long drive, I'm nearly out of gas, the one trip I *have* to make this weekend, for a rehearsal tomorrow, will still be in October. I can do it Monday, take the bus if I have to.

Plus it's pouring - the temperature's dropping like mad, I heard from someone yesterday that it's supposed to be a nasty winter this year, and today is the first day that it feels like winter (I think we go directly from summer to winter, we don't ever really seem to have much of a fall.)

And my neighbor gave my some money (for bills) today, and I thought, what if he's sick? Did he give me some germs along with the $$?

So then I thought: Stay home. Do whatever you have to do, but don't go out right now.

So I played back through the sad part, and cried, and immediately my throat felt better.

Amazing stuff, this energy medicine thinking. It makes it really clear (to *me*, at least) that the human organism makes no distinction between body and mind - that's an entirely artificial construct humans have created for some reason that currently escapes me. Kind of like a fad, I think - a long-playing obsession with the 'Age of Reason'. Well, turns out it's not as 'reason'able as we'd like to think.

Connections

I lose my sense of 'self' when I don't connect with another human in a pretty solid, real way EACH DAY. It can be as little as a meaningful email, or possibly a personal phone call (not business related).

It's as if - trying to find words - little hooks of human interaction pull me along, from one day to the next, and without them, I am lost. I forget who I am, where I am, what day it is. I lose my sense of self, of time and meaning.

And yet, human interaction, much of the time, exhausts rather than restores me, unless *I* am in control of how, when, where, with whom and for how long it happens.

So I am wondering:

Do children who don’t ‘attach’ as children (through no fault of their own, but because their *parents* don’t know how to parent properly) not develop the little ‘hooks’ that make people feel connected to each other?

Which is not to say that such a child could not *ever* develop that ability to connect.

But maybe it’s harder? And that the day-to-day, hour-to-hour, moment-to-moment connection with other humans is *just as important* for adults as it is for infants?

Only, in our culture, which is *full* of poorly attached people (product of isolationist Western child-rearing practices, among other things), nobody *notices*. Because it’s considered ‘normal’ to be so isolated and alone much of the time.

But really, it *isn’t* normal to be as isolated as many Americans are.

And those of us who didn’t have good, solid attachments in infancy simply don’t know how to do it.

So we sort of flail around with our little tentacles (hooks), trying to find something to hook to, but they don’t stick.

Because, never having experienced ‘continuity’ on a moment-to-moment, hour-to-hour basis as infants, we don’t ‘contain’, or have inside us, what that sense of continuity *feels* like.

I’ve read that we develop our ‘sense of self’ as infants from how well our parents respond to our needs – our cries for attention, food, care – and that we either become self-sufficient or learn a sort of helplessness (and all shades in between) depending on how responsive our parents were.

Not only do we develop the sense of ‘wanted’ and ‘lovable’ versus ‘unwanted’ and ‘unlovable’ from how we are treated, but we also develop our sense of competence based on *how well our needs were met*.

Much, if not most of this happens during that extended non-verbal phase, where most communication is via body language, touch and eye contact, before the age of two.

***
A baby with UNRESPONSIVE PARENTS learns that SHE DOES NOT GET TO CHOOSE

WHO she interacts with
or HOW
or WHEN
or WHERE.

She, in effect, LEARNS to have

NO BOUNDARIES.

***
Babies, ideally, are IN CONTROL of the interaction with the parents.

In other words, it is the BABY who teaches the PARENT what is needed, not the other way round.

A baby who does not have responsive parents DOES NOT GET WHAT SHE NEEDS.

So she learns a ‘broken’ pattern of interaction with others: Non-sensical.

The interaction does not make sense to her inner sense of ‘rightness’ that is (I believe) inborn in all (or at least most?) humans.

In other words: A baby does not have to be taught to flail her little arms – she just does it.

A baby does not have to be taught to scream when frightened or cry when hungry – she just does it.

Partly because these are the only ways she can communicate, at least in the beginning.

And a newborn has even fewer options – opening or closing the eyes; or possibly turning her head away from an unwanted stimulus.

***
My sense is that the isolation cycle is a vicious one - kind of like, "The rich get richer, the poor get poorer."

In other words, those who had good attachment as infants continue to have good attachment as adults; where those of us who had poor or possibly non-existent attachment as infants have a heckuva time with continuity as adults.

And it affects *everything*, not just relationships.

Because I think, at foundation, we almost *perceive* ourselves via our attachments and connections to others.

I can't seem to think of a better way to say that, it seems unclear, best I can do just now.

***
I guess I'm trying to say, it seems to me that the length of time between meaningful and substantive nteraction with another human in some way mimics? or mirrors? or recreates?

the sense one had as a child of
unpredictability
unreliability

Possibly. Not sure those are the right words.

*If* one's self-sense is, to large extent, dependent on reflections of the self from other humans (think about how much time we humans spend telling our stories to each other - mirroring, right?)

then lack of continuity becomes like trying to make sense of a very grainy picture with such low resolution that it just looks like a bunch of random, unrelated dots.

Need to grow UNIMPEDED in my own time and way

Life force.


Fear of ‘getting it wrong’

interferes with my growth

then I get ANGRY
to push away whatever is blocking me.

***
My eyes were pushing down on my STOMACH
so that I could not see
pain, shame, fear

It was keeping me from going after, and GETTING, what I wanted.

So now I let them relax (as much as I can :-)
and let it all come in.

Maybe when you 'push it down' to keep it out of consciousness
it gets stuck?
or, it fights with the energy that is 'good' and that is trying to
help you grow and be?

Maybe they are the same system. So, it can either flow WITH you, or AGAINST you. It would be like expecting a river to flow two directions simultaneously.

***
Maybe when I can no longer move forward on a particular thing, I need to learn to switch away more quickly to something else so that I don't experience frustration.

When I am faced by something that is too big for me to handle alone, my tendency is to want to curl up and hide.

This is because my parents never helped me with things.

So I would get overwhelmed, and feel ashamed and frightened that I couldn't handle something (too big for me) on my own.

So in addition to the pain and fear, and not being able to do the thing, I became ashamed and angry as well. At my inability, my powerlessness. How STUCK I became. I was painted into a corner by them, with NO WAY OUT. I was STUCK, so stuck, and NEEDED help.

But they would laugh at me, and ignore me, and make fun of me, and eventually I would just numb out so that I couldn't feel anything at all. I remember times where I had completely shut off the feeling in my body (when I was sick and had been lying around in bed for a while with nobody checking on me, even though there were people home) and I felt like my body was dead, with my brain trapped inside. It was so heavy, like lead weights. And I couldn't FEEL anything. That's when I had the dreams about the people in glass, aquarium-like cases who just floated there, not dead, but totally unmoving, not responding to the outside world in any way.

I think it is good that even my subconscious knew it was THEM that was the problem, not me. THEY were the ones who were unfeeling and unkind, unthinking, unknowing, unresponsive and DEAD. Dead to the life and love in me, dead to my needs and feelings.

But I resisted them, and did NOT let them kill me too with their fears and whatever it was that made them that way in the first place. I would NOT let myself become like them. I would never give up; I would RESIST.

I feel as if I have spent my whole life looking for ANTIDOTE to this emotional poison: In books and movies, stories, mainly. Because there people tell what they REALLY want, instead of pretending that everything is ok just the way it is. And paintings, too. The truth comes out, leaks out the sides, in full view but still 'secret'. That is why 'art' is so powerful: It is the way the voiceless speak.

all that said (referring to previous post)

I do think that there's some relationship between all this and hyper-awareness as a defense. But I'm less concerned with an analytical untangling of same (though I still sometimes enjoy doing that) these days, and more inclined to simply notice the ways in which my BODY is telling me that something's out of whack or unbalanced. Shortest distance kind of a thing, I'd say - the analytical route is what you have to use when your connection to your body's mind has been nearly severed; when you're more connected to your body's direct messages, you don't NEED the analysis. I *think* :-)

***
In a world where men expect us to be what THEY need us to be (to support their continued domination) instead of what WE need to be (to not be DOMINATED), it's not surprising that the brain has to do some creative re-wiring in order to FUNCTION. Reminds me of the saying that Ginger Rogers could do everything Fred Astaire could, except she had to do it, "in high heels and backwards."

HAH! No WONDER we're smarter than they are - we HAVE to be to survive the FUCKED UP WORLD men have created.

brain dominance.

A 'friend' (?) accused me yesterday of being too 'left-brained'.

"You think too much," he said. How many times have I been accused of THAT in my life??? And ONLY by men. I'm trying to think if a woman has ever accused me of this. Nope, pretty sure not.

So: It's a POWER and CONTROL issue.

Women who are left brain dominant are NOT AS EASY TO CONTROL in a left-brain dominated world.

They're drawn to me; and simultaneously repelled. They LOVE that I actually UNDERSTAND their 'male' world better than their wives/girlfriends/mothers/sisters.

And yet, at the same time, they expect me to GIVE UP that power so that THEY won't be threatened by me. Because, don't you know, that's a woman's PRIME job in this BOY'S CLUB of a world: To NEVER make a man feel INFERIOR to you. Not even by simply EXISTING as a MORE INTELLIGENT HUMAN THAN HE IS. (I'm trying to think of men who don't fit this pattern, who seem to be OK with me being smarter than them, or who even (gasp!) APPRECIATE it. There are two who were absolutely open about it, and they were both Canadian. Hm. Statistically insignificant, but I have more than once wondered if I ought to be looking for my 'partner' north of the border?)

Makes me think of my father (again). And why I would be drawn to this current 'friend' just now.

***
I'm just reading about eye/brain dominance, and am being told by my friend Google that I'm 'mixed dominance' (right-handed, left eye dominant), which 'could be a problem'.

Now, I PERSONALLY think it just means that I'm BLOODY FUCKING BRILLIANT, and that my BRILLIANT brain has come up with this MASTERFUL solution for ME, personally, to survive in this fucked up, mixed-message, double-standard world that women in a boy's club have to deal with.

So I'm trying to think how this works: If I'm right-handed, that does *indeed* suggest left-brain dominance.

But - most of the 'brain dominance' tests I've taken come up with me being right-brain dominant.

So did I develop the left brain as a defense against my father's cruelty, and against CRUEL, SADISTIC men in general.

The answer to that would be: A resounding YES.

One such male once said to me something to the effect that I was, "Hip to his trip," which was why he couldn't (wouldn't?) hang with me. He couldn't "pull anything over on me."

Well, I just have to keep looking for a man (and WOMEN friends, as well) who actually WANT an equal partner. Unfortunately, the ones still standing at this late stage in life (like an emotional version of musical chairs) are generally the LOSERS. Which means they want to WIN if they try again. Or else, they're so CLUELESS about what's going on with them that they're like giant babies - they just want you to TAKE CARE OF THEM. Gah.

***
Interesting link on handedness and dominance of various body parts:
http://pages.prodigy.net/unohu/dominance.htm

An excerpt from this page about *nostril* unilaterality (!):

"Relative nostril efficiency (nasal cycle) is related to hemispheric EEG differences and performance on cognitive tasks. We investigated how unilateral forced nostril breathing influences spatial and verbal performance. Right-handed males and females performed both tasks under either left-nostril, right-nostril, or free-breathing conditions. Unilateral breathing affects performance differently in males and females. It influences male performance ipsilaterally on both tasks: Their spatial performance is better during right-nostril breathing, and their verbal performance is better during left-nostril breathing. Unilateral breathing influences female performance contralaterally, but only on the spatial task: Their spatial performance is better during left-nostril breathing. These differences within and between sexes may exist because unilateral nostril breathing differentially activates the two hemispheres and thereby facilitates performance, or because attempts of the brain to control the nasal cycle unilaterally interfere with performance."

Also, this on a possible developmental 'cause' (?) of mixed dominance:

Things to Avoid
Problems with Dominance
Developmental Causes

"We are finding that the too early and too complicated activities which are demanded from the senses today cause many children who are right-handed to use their left eye when looking at objects rather than their right eye. This is termed a cross dominance between the eye and hand, displacing the normal laterality of the body.Then, too, there are the growing numbers of children who use the left hand while retaining the dominance of the right eye."

I'm not at all convinced that this is a 'problem', especially when I came across the notion that women (at least among sharpshooters, whose issues with eye dominance came up most frequently in my google searches) are quite often cross-dominant.

I suspect that women (and perhaps ALL people who develop cross-dominance?) develop cross-dominance as a way to cope with the MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE (that is, cognitive dissonance-inducing) EXPECTATIONS and DEMANDS of being a woman in a man's world.

That is, if your behavior is continually being trained to go against your actual NATURE, and when you are being held to TWO OPPOSITE STANDARDS simultaneously (that is, being CRITICISED for being 'overly emotional' at the very same time that you are EXPECTED to eschew such 'unpleasant' emotions as anger (hm, the primary emotion of POWER and DOMINANCE - funny, that, eh? NOT.)

So, I expect that women born into a left-brain-dominated world and trained by a left-brain-dominated system (namely, any traditional public school system), find themselves at odds with the SIMULTANEOUS expectation by their culture that they CHOOSE between a) female and b) male ways of behaving.

The problem is that these definitions are almost entirely artificial, power-based constructs used to create hierarchies of SOCIAL DOMINANCE. And women KNOW this, at some level, whether they ever CONSCIOUSLY recognize it or not.

So they compensate (unconscsiously) by being MOSTLY left-brain, but the left eye gives away the fact that they've had to sacrifice MASSIVE quantities of - but wait a minute. Men may be more 'efficient' at a single-focused task because they are able to COMPLETELY IGNORE all other external input.

But is this a GOOD thing? I can imagine MANY situations in which a man's 'ability' to block out 'unwanted' or 'distracting' input to be to his severe DETRIMENT, up to and including DEATH.

***
A quote that I like (bolds mine):

The whole field of left-right specialisation has been received some very vocal criticism.

"Brain scientists will tell you that the idea of a rigid divide is a popular myth. They even have a word for the public's enthusiasm for the subject: 'dichotomania'. Like 'modern phrenology' the word is a put-down, intended to imply that the real situation is far too complex for simple conclusions to be drawn."

***
From another site, http://www.giftedchildren.org.nz/forum/read.php?f=8&i=751&t=129, a reader comment that I REALLY LIKE and that makes sense to me:

I wouldn't be concerned over mixed dominance or crossed dominance - that's just the way you're wired and as far as I know there is little you can do about and no need to anyway.

I'm an optometrist who also happens to be cross dominant.

You are correct in thinking that it is usual for the eye and hand to match in dominance.
Typically I find the children who are cross dominant have often skipped a step in the developmental sequence of creeping-crawling-walking when I understand that dominance and laterality are developed. As an example I never crawled, I shuffled round on my bottom and then walked.

A high proportion of the children that we test with learning difficulties do seem to be cross dominant BUT being cross dominant doesn't mean you have learning difficulties.

Learning was never an issue for me but I have rotten hand-eye coordination and as a consequence I'm useless at sport. I never understood why until I learnt about dominance at university. However, again there seem to be no hard and fast rules about how this affects people. I have met cross-dominant kids who are very good at sport.

Earlier in this thread is a reference to children being patched to correct dominance. This is incorrect. Patching is used to help the development of vision in an eye that has for some reason been deprived of visual stimulus. It is intended to improve vision not change dominance. It should never be done without the supervision of an eyecare professional.

I've not come across anyone in the industry that attempts to change eye dominance or any evidence to suggest that you should. Knowing that you have mixed dominance can help you better understand the way you function though.

And another (long) comment that I like, from the same site:

"I was concerned because my right-handed, left-eyed child is a great artist and almost visually gifted. I believe those gifts come from the right side of the brain and I suppose his left eye helps him access it. However, it may also cause his slow processing."

Processing Speed is based on specific tasks being timed - tasks that tend to disadvantage Visual Spatial individuals .... and as I understand it, the calculation is quite heavily weighted when it comes to calculating the over all score.

What it CANNOT possibly do is actually measure any given individuals processing speed - in order to do that it would have to take into account what information (or volume of information) any individual brain is "working with" at any given point in time - these timed tests do not do that - they simply measure the time it takes to get to what point on a specific task - not the information the brain is working with to do that.

That is all well and dandy for someone who only retains information for a short time in order to actively work on a task but the results for those who accumulate information over long periods of time and need to "sift" through it .... nor will it produce an accurate result for those who need to "translate information" into an "internal code" and back again.

Contrary to the popular notion of "left/right brain" - I am convinced that Spatial processing is "centred" at the BACK of the brain and the brain is actually wired for both left and right to work together far more "holistically" than the "normal" brain .... creative logic and logical creativity - both and neither.

As the brain "warms up" - it does so from the back forward on both sides of the brain ... with the front of the brain taking the longest to become "fully active". It would interest me greatly to learn the difference between dominance in the "normal" population and dominance in the spatial ... I would expect both lack of established dominance and stronger mixed dominance to be more common amongst the spatial for physiological reasons.

Of course, I am, once again - basing this on a "model" of the "spatial brain" that is effectively a product of my own imagination - without any other "scientific evidence" to back me up on this .... but it would make logical sense and explain a great deal.

Assuming my original theory holds correct (VS and GT both resulting from a significant deviation from the norm with regard to development of the central nervous system) then it also stands to reason that along with the more obvious neurological and cognitive differences - the fundamental "mechanics" would likely be different also.

Perhaps the fact that, at 40 years old, I still have no natural sense of "left/right" influences my imagination somewhat - but even so, that would make logical sense - if my brain is not "divided" in accordance with "left" or "right" hemispheres as conventional belief dictates (which seems to be more an interpretation of how it APPEARS than anything else) - then one pretty natural outcome of that would be to have difficulty learning left from right. Its not a "general directional issue" - forwards and backwards, up and down are not affected in the same way.

Maybe - just maybe there is a hell of a lot more to the saying "eyes in the back of the head" than most people realise .... I am inclined to believe there is.

***
Another link that, with selective reading, yields some interesting ideas (especially like the READER COMMENTS) :
http://www.singsurf.org/brain/rightbrain.php
***
And yet ANOTHER interesting comment from the comment thread of singsurf:

I believe your all missing out on some key factors, that will help all who want it. The majority of comments are only in reference to mostly Mental assertiveness. How about the Physical side, while being in this out of balance state lets take the majority of our population (Left brain) 99.99% of all left brain dominate people are weak on there right side, simple muscle testing will prove this. So with this imbalance, how would the Right side of our body measure up. If we were to measure the leg length of both side, would we not be shorter on our right side. Now If non-relieved stress is the enviormental problem, and that most people are stuck in Flight or Flight stress response that inhibits the body's own ability to heal within. This ongoing, and unrelieved stress is what disease, and most disorders stem from. To rub more salt in this open wound, we give doctors the license to prescribe symptom relief while the core issue is slowly degenerating our life's energy. I have been involved for 2 years with a process called ALPHABIOTICS. This simple technique balances the body with a pattern interrupt (like rebooting a computer) instantly stronger on both sides and my stress has minimized greatly. Since doing this, my personal health has greatly improved and many changes have occurred to my overall benefit.

The Alphabioitics site the commenter refers to is here:
http://alphabioticsinternational.com/WordStress.aspx

As always, TAKE WHAT YOU NEED AND LEAVE THE REST! The info about stress on the linked page is pretty common-sensical (at least to *me*), but the author is another somebody trying to package and market basic common sense as some kind of high'n'mighty voodoo. Capitalism, blech. Snake oil everywhere you look.

A quackwatch-ish site (The Iron Skeptic) that has an article on Alphabiotics, http://www.theironskeptic.com/articles/alphabiotics/alphabiotics.htm, and a quote therefrom (bolds mine):

The Alphabiotics website is chock full of information, unfortunately, none of it states precisely what Alphabiotics are. They go on and on and on about the benefits, though: from Alphabiotic sessions one can expect to feel better, think better, achieve inner peace, have a tighter connection to their inner source of power, and take advantage of the body’s natural capacity for wellness. Sounds good! I could use all of those things. Except the tightening of my inner power source. That sounds unpleasant.

But how exactly do Alphabioticists achieve these results? Well, on their website they’re clear to state several dozen times that Alphabiotics are not a “treatment” and cannot be used as medicine: they’re a way of life. A way of life that apparently requires “…a gentle, though unique, movement of the head [that] is accomplished in less than fifteen seconds” whilst one sits on the “Alphabiotic couch.”

Ok, random inspiration particle (thanks, T. Pratchett) lodges in my cranium:
What if the 'imbalance' occurs at birth, or possibly from spinal trauma *during* birth, while infant is caught in birth canal?

I was 36 hours being born - my image is both that mom's body showed she didn't really want me - her muscles fought my birth - and I, at the same time, was in a 'climber's' pose, braced in a chimney-style death-grip to keep from being born into such a hostile environment.

So the random thought: What if, by being sort of 're-born' by somebody who somehow 'gets' and/or intuits the scars from your 'birth trauma', is able to help you be 're-born' in such a way that all this is healed? Or, at least your body has an opportunity to FEEL what a non-traumatized state is like. Then of course you have to understand all the OTHER ways in which OTHER behaviors/events/life things EXACERBATE the 'problem'.

Your FEELINGS do not HURT other people.

It is not necessary to protect other people from your FEELINGS.
Your feelings are NOT 'bad' or 'wrong'.

There are, almost certainly, more and less EFFECTIVE ways to EXPRESS what you're feeling, in order to get your NEEDS met.

The fact that
THEY DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO or HEAR
what you want to say
doesn’t mean that
WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY is WRONG or BAD.

***
So, here's where the anger comes in: You feel SILENCED by people who try to shut you down. You experience BEING SILENCED as being expected to hide, or otherwise NEGATE an essential part of YOU. You don't want to have to be SILENT about what you feel, think or need any more than you want to CUT OFF AN ARM OR LEG.

The ANGER tells you that a BOUNDARY HAS BEEN VIOLATED.

The way to USE the anger is to INSIST that people RESPECT and LISTEN TO your needs and feelings.

People who DO NOT RESPECT YOUR NEEDS AND FEELINGS are NOT friends, and they do NOT love or care about you, REGARDLESS of what they may say to the contrary. Because they're busy protecting their SELF IMAGE, not their relationship with YOU.

be not a mindless cog

"A progressive is just a pig with lipstick."

staying the course

I think ‘therapists’ often become yet another substitute for intimacy, rather than a stepping stone. I think the MOST a GOOD therapist really has to offer is a sympathetic ear. Which is something ANY person could offer, if only we were all taught how to do this. The idea that we should pay some random stranger an exorbitant fee to be sat in a chair and treated like small children AGAIN is too much for me to stomach. The power imbalance inherent in the relationship may actually be the most damaging and destructive part of it, I think.

I must armor myself against this person. He’s very insidious, very persuasive. He reminds me of – someplace I really don’t want to go, ever again. Snakes slithering, that sort of thing. Actually feel my skin crawling. He’s not ‘the devil’, just someone I would have a hard time resisting because he’s an expert GASLIGHTER. Which is something EVERY SINGLE PERSON in my family has pulled on me at some point, knowingly or unknowingly.

Grasshopper, you CAN choose to simply not see him. Your spidey sense is tingling – don’t let him GUILT you into this. That’s what the word ‘arrogant’ did – he’s an expert manipulator, a CLASSIC narcissist.

And despite your empathy for the pain all such people suffer, you must NOT sacrifice yourself for him, or any other like him.

You must keep looking for what YOU need.

He is too wily an opponent for you – your little sword is still tiny, and, while very sharp, not effective against such monsters as these.

You must simply walk away.

Men like this simply derail your life. And not in a good way – they’re the emotionally equivalent of a football tackle, who tries to knock your feet out from under you and keep you off balance. The tricky part is that they do it with WORDS instead of actions, so it’s a bit harder to catch them at it.

And I don’t want to have to WORK that hard. In fact, I don’t HAVE to.

I choose the EASY path.

the language of love

I feel like, growing up, I didn’t *learn* the language of love – I learned the language of DESTRUCTION.

Of search and destroy; of maim and batter; of belittle and demean. Of how to make the other guy feel like shit about himself in one easy lesson, with a glance or a backhander or an underhanded dig. (sports refs.)

Sarcasm; bullying. ‘Teasing’, so-called, that drew blood, and left a scarred and emotionally crippled victim in its wake, while the perpetrator laughed his way to the bank. Literally. People who THRIVED, who GREW and FED on your pain and suffering, your misery, your fear. You needed SO BADLY to have someone to trust...

It just occurred to me, that *I* was, for many years, in fact for most of my life, the ONLY ONE in that family who could be trusted to not do something dirty, or mean, or cruel, or vicious, or backstabbing.

And rather than fucking APPRECIATING me for my kindness, consideration, empathy and caring, they fucking MOCKED me. They saw it as a WEAKNESS, as something to be pitied and treated with CONTEMPT.

Wow. I can’t believe I never saw that before. I mean, I think I’ve *seen* it, but never quite from that particular angle.

***
my father spurned my love, scorned it, until he was in such a strait (on his deathbed, literally) that he finally reached out to me, knowing, somehow, that I was the only person in the family who could help him.

But by this time it was too late – the damage was done, I was so deeply, passionately ANGRY with him for what an ASSHOLE he’d been to me my whole life that I couldn’t give him a thing. It was all I could do to speak to him with a civil tongue, though I knew he was hurting, physically, suffering. He was so CRUEL. So VICIOUS. So incredibly, painfully, unkind. If he’d been a stupid man, maybe I could have forgiven him. But he knew perfectly well the damage he was doing - he was doing the emotional equivalent of pulling wings off flies.

practicing centeredness

I think I saw that guy I've been talking about at the restaurant last night. I was sitting on the side of the bar, and there was a really pretty girl sitting on the far side of the central well. I was looking at her, wondering what she had to do to make her hair look so nice, and glanced over at a guy sitting next to her. At first I didn't really notice him, I was more thinking about how easy guys have it, and how little they have to do to be considered 'nice looking'.  I was sort of comparing her hair and his hair, wondering if he had any idea how much work she probably has to do to look like that, and suddenly I noticed, "hey, isn't that motorcycle boy?"

I instantly felt extremely self-conscious - I hadn't showered in days, and had just been for a really long walk and was still wearing my slightly grungy old shorts and my rattiest pair of tennis shoes.  My hair was still somehow looking halfway decent, but I was afraid to expose the bottom half of me, being so fashion-impaired in that highly fashion-conscious place.

In fact, this particular place is PARTICULARLY annoying, because the women who work there, and the women patrons, all (or most) seem to practice that hyper-affectedly 'casual' look that is so NOT casual at ALL.

The amount of time and energy you have to spend to get that perfectly 'effortless' look is PHENOMENAL.  And it may be fairly straightforward once you work out a routine, but there is no possible WAY that the women can look THAT MUCH BETTER than their male counterparts in the same age range without a SIGNIFICANT amount of effort.

After that, needless to say, I dashed home and changed into my jeans and black shoes, which, though ratty and old and dirty too, have it ALL over my previous attire for style points.  (Yikes, I can't even believe I'm saying or thinking all this.  The harsh reality of 'feminism' in this here so-called modern, 'progressive' [yeah, *right*] world.)

So then I went out again to do some quick grocery shopping at Freddie's, and found myself getting a *lot* of attention.

What is it?  What's the formula?  It seems like on the days I don't give a shit, *that's* when I get the most attention - or, I should say, positive attention (and sometimes unwanted attention) from men, and negative attention from women who seem to be irritated that I am 'successful' at attracting male attention (yargh) in spite of my obviously minimal efforts. (And then there are the women who *aren't* bothered, thank god. Because otherwise the world just becomes too crazy to bear. You feel like you're competing with absolutely EVERYBODY in some way or other, and it's exhausting.)

There was one guy (I must be really ready to fall in love again :-) who I saw as I was passing the aisle he was standing in, I kind of glanced over as I was passing by with my cart, and he looked at me, this kind of inquiring look?  And I smiled, not expecting to see anybody there, especially not this really good-looking young guy looking straight at me.

After my experience with motorcycle boy, I was feeling a little shy, not wanting to be led down the garden path again.  I mean, I realize there are men who are attracted to older women, and I'm definitely (as the last few weeks show) occasionally attracted to significantly younger men.

But I was nervous about it last night - when I got to the checkout place, I was almost done and I glanced around and saw red-shirt boy right behind me, and he again looked at me, again, questioningly.  He looked at me several times, and it was all I could do not to wiggle in glee!  Why do I feel like I'm still in high school?  It feels almost as if this few years of non-involvement with men has given me a new lease on life, almost as if I've hit the reset button and gone back in time (knock on wood!) and am getting a 'second chance' to do things 'right' (for a given definition of 'right', namely, *my* definition :-).

In fact, when I went to the clinic the other day (thought I'd gotten a piece of Cracker Jack in my lung, which was a whole 'NOTHER story which I may tell at some point - major panic, walked to the fire station at roughly 11 pm-ish, called 911 about two hours later with weakness, numbness, and generally just not sure I was getting enough oxygen.)

Short version, I went to the walk-in cheap clinic the next day to see if I could get an x-ray (which I did, the doctor was very helpful and sympathetic), and the boy who did my 'check in', taking my blood pressure and all that, said something about my blood pressure being pretty good for someone my size.

I said, "What do you mean?"

He said, "Well, you know, you're kind of petite?  Like a teenager?"

This kid had to be just barely 20 or so, so it was interesting to have him make this comment.  He seemed nervous, so I tried to put him at ease by asking him how long he'd been doing this work.  "Five months," he said proudly.  He was a cute kid, and obviously trying really hard to do his job right.  I also wondered if *I* made him nervous, the skinny white lady who 'looks like a teenager' - he was black, so maybe there are some stereotypes from the other side?  I'm sure there must be, I just don't know what they are.

And also, the population served by that clinic is mostly latino, with a few asians

Can I help it if my life didn't go in the same order/sequence as everybody else's? No.

***
Oh, and that's not even the weirdest part of the evening: I stopped at the 7-11 to get ice on the way home, and on my way out I shoved the door open really hard with my foot because I had my hands full, and, I admit, because I just like doing it - it makes me feel powerful. Because I CAN :-)

Anyway, there was this fat guy coming toward me on the sidewalk when I did it, and he got kind of a surprised look, like he was trying to figure out if I was being aggressive?  But I just ignored him, I actually didn't see him til after I'd already opened the door.

And then there was this other car that had either just pulled up or was parking when I got out the door, and I had the impression of someone looking at me.

I walked to my car at the other end of the parking lot, and as I turned to unlock the door, there was this (dare I say it?  Gorgeous?) transvestite guy getting out of his car and he looked RIGHT AT ME. Several times, even looking at me over his shoulder as he was walking into the store. By this time I was in my car and feeling so giddy from the weird encounters that I kind of shuddered and let out a yell through the sun roof. I'm sure the guys getting gas were wondering what the heck *that* was all about. Consider it a wolf howl, guys :-) (The transvestite was wearing a blonde wig and knee-high boots, and a fairly conservative outfit, sort of like some version of a 60s, stereotyped secretary?  Not sure how to describe it, never seen one quite like that before.  And I also just watch Kinky Boots again recently, so that was fresh in my mind, too. I *love* the black guy who plays the lead in that movie, he is absolutely GORGEOUS.)

I think I must still be finding things out about who I am, based on things *other* people seem to see in me that I can't (yet?) see in myself. It's like I supressed those things for a long time, and now they're beginning to feel safe to come out and play (wicked grin :-) 

I'm also noticing there seems to be some kind of trend going on here with meeting people in parking lots, of all places. Three times in a month? After very little action in quite a long time? *I* think that counts as a 'trend'. :-)

finding my center

Noticing when I feel 'off balance' after interacting with someone.

Looking for people around whom I feel safe, secure, solid.  Where trust feels APPROPRIATE.  Where I can move from a place of feeling poised and ready for ACTION :-)