Need to grow UNIMPEDED in my own time and way

Life force.


Fear of ‘getting it wrong’

interferes with my growth

then I get ANGRY
to push away whatever is blocking me.

***
My eyes were pushing down on my STOMACH
so that I could not see
pain, shame, fear

It was keeping me from going after, and GETTING, what I wanted.

So now I let them relax (as much as I can :-)
and let it all come in.

Maybe when you 'push it down' to keep it out of consciousness
it gets stuck?
or, it fights with the energy that is 'good' and that is trying to
help you grow and be?

Maybe they are the same system. So, it can either flow WITH you, or AGAINST you. It would be like expecting a river to flow two directions simultaneously.

***
Maybe when I can no longer move forward on a particular thing, I need to learn to switch away more quickly to something else so that I don't experience frustration.

When I am faced by something that is too big for me to handle alone, my tendency is to want to curl up and hide.

This is because my parents never helped me with things.

So I would get overwhelmed, and feel ashamed and frightened that I couldn't handle something (too big for me) on my own.

So in addition to the pain and fear, and not being able to do the thing, I became ashamed and angry as well. At my inability, my powerlessness. How STUCK I became. I was painted into a corner by them, with NO WAY OUT. I was STUCK, so stuck, and NEEDED help.

But they would laugh at me, and ignore me, and make fun of me, and eventually I would just numb out so that I couldn't feel anything at all. I remember times where I had completely shut off the feeling in my body (when I was sick and had been lying around in bed for a while with nobody checking on me, even though there were people home) and I felt like my body was dead, with my brain trapped inside. It was so heavy, like lead weights. And I couldn't FEEL anything. That's when I had the dreams about the people in glass, aquarium-like cases who just floated there, not dead, but totally unmoving, not responding to the outside world in any way.

I think it is good that even my subconscious knew it was THEM that was the problem, not me. THEY were the ones who were unfeeling and unkind, unthinking, unknowing, unresponsive and DEAD. Dead to the life and love in me, dead to my needs and feelings.

But I resisted them, and did NOT let them kill me too with their fears and whatever it was that made them that way in the first place. I would NOT let myself become like them. I would never give up; I would RESIST.

I feel as if I have spent my whole life looking for ANTIDOTE to this emotional poison: In books and movies, stories, mainly. Because there people tell what they REALLY want, instead of pretending that everything is ok just the way it is. And paintings, too. The truth comes out, leaks out the sides, in full view but still 'secret'. That is why 'art' is so powerful: It is the way the voiceless speak.