Hermit

It's funny, I've been more and more of a hermit, as I try to follow my 'gut' and let things fall away and trust (hope?) that somehow I will survive in spite of having less work and even *less* money.

That I will 'turn the corner' just at the right moment, and things will begin coming up roses. That if I just BELIEVE (and, of course, click my heels in my red ruby slippers :-) that it will ALL COME TOGETHER.

Now, I'm not saying I believe in magic.

Nor do I believe in positive thinking.

But I *do* believe in being yourself as hard as you can. Because, otherwise, what's the point? If you go through life trying to be someone other than who you *are*, you're DOOMED to misery. Or, at least, that's what *I* think.

But. Who is this *I* of whom I speak? I mean, *I*, on one day, might be this happy, cheerful, carefree, delightful, charming being who smiles at everyone and scatters fairydust upon one and all, and the world seems full of rainbows and unicorns and sparkle ponies.

And then: Gray, gloom, doom. Horrors! So much turns upon so little - one cog loses a tooth and the whole machine seizes up.

And yet, at the same time, I feel, often, like that cactus in the desert that blooms riotously with the tiniest drop of rain. Because my life has been so sere in certain ways, I bloom easily and quickly under the tender care of any random passerby.

So which is it?

The answer is: Both. I am mercurial, and fickle, and unpredictable. As are life, and the weather. Why expect *me* to remain unchanging when everything around me is like a roulette wheel, a kaleidoscope, an endless going-to-hell-in-a-bucket ride.

Why not just hang on and enjoy it?

***
Like today. After not having *touched* my fiddle in, oh, maybe a week? Two? I had a rehearsal this afternoon with a bunch of people I didn't know in a place I'd never been playing music I'd never seen (well, not *all* of it - some of the tunes were old familiars.)

Standard 'pro' gig, right? Everything's a crap shoot. You have no idea what's going to happen, and you hope for the best. And usually it works out fine, as long as none of the giant, competing egos in the room fall and CRUSH you to death.

So, speaking of egos, the lady who hired me for the gig is someone who annoys the living *crap* out of me, and for whom I have avoided playing, like the plague, lo these many years.

But this particular time the combination of factors was right: The timing (no other gigs that particular weekend); the money is marginal, but just barely adequate; it's a small ensemble; and the music and venue sounded interesting - a combination of old favorites and a few new works to back up a dance troupe. Never done something like that, and it's in a 'cool' part of town. Figured I'd be playing with a bunch of young, up-and-coming, wannabe hipsters who're trying to get in on the artsy scene.

So I drag my fanny up there, resisting all the way, still feeling funked out from caffeine and sugar and stress. And having to amp myself up for this after not having played for so long.

I get there, and sure enough: The room is practically *seething* with the energy of all these huge egos bashing off the walls. I want to lie down on the floor and just collapse, and not move. I can feel my energy draining away already.

So, I make a decision, though not really consciously (I see it more in retrospect): I will *not* let these people get to me. I will play the music *my* way, and be a good musician on *my* terms. I will absolutely *not* get sucked into the power and ego bullshit.

And it works! I think only because, out of the 8 or so people there, not including the dancer, at least two of the other players (interestingly, they were both men? Most of the friction was with the lady who hired me, and her daughter) seemed to be sort of 'on my side' - I kept making asides that kind of went opposite to what the 'dominators' were saying.

And even though I *thought* I was muttering them under my breath, people kept responding to what I was saying! So, it was as if I was actually *needed*, by the dynamic of the group, kind of like finding the right blend of ingredients for a stew (or possibly something more elegant :-)

In fact this was confirmed at the end, when somebody made a comment about appreciating me bringing my 'fiddlistic' viewpoint to the group, and I said, "I feel like I'm playing tug of war!" And the guy said, "Well, that means we need you even more!" (This was the composer guy saying this, who happened to also be one of the cellists.)

And I said, "Well, if I just suddenly *stop*, it's because I'm just taking a rest." And he laughed (slightly tensely - turns out he's the hiring lady's *son* [no nepotism *here*, no-sirree-Bob] and I think he felt a bit caught in the middle, but also seemed appreciative to not be the only one to have to stand up to his domineering mother. [ach, the feminist in me is saying, whose side are you *on* here, girl? confusing]) and said, "Tension and release." Which is, of course, the standard formula for all dynamic art forms - music, dance, movies, etc.

So I escaped with my life! And my ego was not steamrollered, I didn't have to shake it back into 3D shape like one of those Wile E. type characters in cartoons.

Whew.

Oh, so I'm just remembering the original thought that triggered all this:
(dagnab blooger - yes, BLOOGER, like BOOGER :-) - ATE a piece of my post! Will attempt to re-create.)

Periodically I wonder whether all this hermiting is doing me any good. Like, all this time I spend processing and 'learning' new ways of thinking and being and trying like *mad* to overwrite the old negative, destructive tape loops in my brain - is it *working*?

And today I say: Fuck YEAH, it's working! I mean, just LOOK at what I did today! That was un-fucking-beLIEVable! I mean, I stood up to them in ways that I'd *never* have done before, not where actual money and future (possible) reputation was at stake. I basically just said, fuck it - if I can't be myself at a gig like *this*? Then I don't want any part of this particular world any more. These people are just TOO fucking uptight, and, frankly, NON-MUSICAL for me. *I* get accused of 'thinking too much', but in fact I'm actually *quite* right-brained when it comes to music and art. I *think* I have the ability (most of the time) to *switch* between right- and left-brained thinking depending on the people and the situation. I mean, isn't that why we *have* both halves? Seems pretty silly to me that we each have these huge, giant crania (? singular?), but that most people only use *half* (or less?) of the supposed capacity they've got. Blargh.

So I just have to keep trusting my instincts. Yay, me! :-) Because, truly, what else can I *do*, as I said before? I *have* to be ME, just as hard as can. Because I really, truly believe there's no *point* otherwise.

I suppose the *obvious*, positive-thinking-spin answer to all this is, if you just be your*self*, then you'll piss off or drive away all those with whom you're *not* compatible, and anybody left standing (a kind of emotional version of musical chairs, maybe?) has *got* to be at least an approximation of a possible companion, compatriot, whatever.

So I'm goin' with it, fer now, less'n I think o' somethin' better.