embarrassing

So, the other day I desperately needed to get out and get some exercise. The weather was finally perfect - not too hot, not too cold :-) I hadn't been for a run in eons, and wasn't sure I could even coax this creaky machine into gear to do it. Plus I knew I'd have to run the gauntlet of the construction crew I'd had a run-in with a while back in order to get to the path, plus it's a dry, dusty route with little shade and lots of traffic (read: Breathing copious quantities of exhaust fumes while trying to 'exercise' seems like - stupidity? Cost/benefit ratio doesn't pencil out. Or something.)

So I was nervous, and unshowered to boot (it gets harder to feel 'presentable' as one gets older, even leaving the house can be a bit scary unless you've 'done yourself up' properly. The way a woman alone gets treated if she hasn't conformed properly to expectations is - painful, to say the least. And especially if you're reasonably attractive, it seems as if they punish you more for it than if you're unattractive. It's as if they're saying, 'You're so close to being what I expect you to be, why don't you just make that little bit more effort and make yourself look good so I can have some eye candy?')

Argh. Sometimes I wish I could just shut my brain off for a while, just do whatever the hell I feel like without being affected the least bit by what others say or do, how they look at me, how they respond to me, how they treat me. I sometimes wish there could be less me about it all, and just live. Sort of like I imagine an animal lives: Not cursed by this horrible disease of self-awareness.

So I finally got myself dressed, out the door, down the hill, past the construction site uneventfully - didn't hear a peep from them, maybe by chance I happened to go past at lunch? Didn't have the nerve to even glance over there. Anyway - whew, fears were unfounded in that particular case. Yay! Then felt a little bolder, started to trot. Got down to the main drag and the path, and it was dusty and dry and traffic-laden as predicted. Slowed down again, feeling overwhelmed by the ugliness of it all, even though this is a well-used, well-maintained path - I just needed something quieter and more friendly.

But I kept going, stopping to rest when needed. Came to the golf course and was annoyed that these over-moneyed folks got to enjoy the nice green grass and shade while I had to do my work out in the hot (it was getting hotter) sun on dusty pavement too close to the cars. So I detoured onto the grass and under some shade along the edge of the golf course for a bit, til I got to a place that was too close to the putting greens, with too much risk of getting hit.

Got to the stretch where there are two casinos in a row, which is even more miserable and barren - no trees, giant parking lots with loose, slippery gravel all over the place and alien beings in weird, glittery get-ups on their way to smoke themselves to death in some darkened cave while feeding their money to hungry machines that maybe never give them anything back... actually never been into one of those places, so I really don't know. No desire to visit that particular universe.

I almost turned back at this point, was feeling overwhelmed by the ugliness of it all, and was starting to get a little tired. But I was almost to the one section of the path that's usually pretty attractive, the part along the river that bends away from the road for a mile or so, and has lots of nice trees and growies. Being the middle of the day on a weekday, it should be pretty quiet.

So I got onto the river part of the trail, and begin to feel a second wind, started to cheer up, actually began to feel happy! And then, around the bend, I could hear some infernal combustion engine roaring away. What the hell??? Don't I get any breaks at all today? Isn't there anyplace in this fricking area that I can get away from the constant construction/destruction/noise/etc? Apparently not. I hesitated, not sure whether to continue or not. I was so frustrated at this point, having gotten this far, surmounted all the hurdles, to have the 'prize' of a few quiet moments in a pretty place snatched away from me.

'Dammit,' I thought, 'I'm not going to let the buggers get me down.'

So I belted ahead, thinking I'd just run past whatever it was as fast as I could. I got around the corner, and lo and behold it's this guy with giant headphones on and one of those industrial size leaf-blowers smack in the middle of the path, blasting up dust and dirt, filling the air with unbreathable clouds. I got angry, and stood there, staring at the guy, who appeared not to notice. I stuck my fingers in my ears and approached slowly, hoping he'd get the message and at least shut the thing off so I could pass without being deafened or blasted by the stupid thing.

Lo and behold, when I got about 20 feet from him, he shut the thing off! Will miracles never cease! I was grateful, gave him a quick smile and nod, moved forward to pass.

But then he did that creepy thing that so many guys do when they think they're doing you a 'favor', (as opposed to just doing the fucking right thing), and he kind of leered/smirked at me as I passed, as if he expected some further kind of interaction from me as 'payment' for him being 'a nice guy'.

Fuck. I just turned away from him and kept walking. At which point, the *second* I was past him, he started that leaf blower up again before I'd gotten five feet away from him, and the sound was overwhelming! It was like someone had hit me in the head.

My response was visceral: I turned and shoved him as hard as I could. Unfortunately, my adrenalin surge wasn't enough to overcome the fact that he out-massed me by a significant margin, plus he was carrying that 50-pound (?) gizmo, so it was basically like trying to shove a rock.

Not to put to fine a point on it, I fell over (laws of physics and all that, for each and every action, there will be and equal and opposite reaction, etc.)

I would have laughed, except I was too busy scrambling to get up because this yayhoo (sp?) appeared to be threatening me with the damn leaf-blower, as if he was going to hit me with it or something! As if that wasn't enough, he was asshole enough to say something like, 'Get back down there on the ground or I'll...' at this point I tuned him out and just shouted, 'You did that on purpose! You jerk!' And I almost bit him, I wanted to so badly, one of his hands was on the leaf blower nozzle very near me, and I could have done it. But my mind was thinking, 'Blech, he's all dirty! You don't want to bite that!' Besides which, I didn't know what he'd do, or whether he'd get violent.

He seemed clearly shaken up by the whole thing - one of these guys who thinks women can just be shoved around and treated any old way they want. Or maybe it's a power/bully thing? Maybe he just saw me as 'weaker', and didn't really think of it in terms of me being female. I have to say, it felt a bit more like the latter.

I felt so victorious, I almost did a victory dance! But I thought the best thing was to hightail it out of there as fast as possible, before he found some further way to come after me. Because there was a maintenance truck a little further down the trail, and I could just see him coming after me in it, he seemed like that kind of guy. I just wanted to get away as fast as possible.

I so felt like I won, even though *I* was the one who fell (and fell hard - though I didn't really *feel* the bruise til the adrenaline started draining away, I knew I'd done some damage, I felt it hurt when I hit the ground, but was too busy getting up again to think about it just then).

I STOOD UP to the motherfucker! I didn't let him just walk all over me! It felt so fucking good to actually, physically, push back against someone who was obviously used to being able to throw his weight around in the most literal sense. I didn't even care that I fell over! It was almost funny, it was worth it just to see the flicker of shock and dismay on his face that he hadn't managed to frighten this little pipsqueak. Hah! Take that, you bullies of the world!

***
I had another run-in with some guys in a parking lot a few days later, I was getting into my car after picking up a few things at the store, and the radio of the car next to me started blasting some rap. I looked over, not having realized there was anyone in the car til then, and there were two late-teens, early-20s guys looking all tough and staring at me as if daring me to say anything.

I just stared back, and they backed out, stopping while one of them spit out the window right in front of me.

I spit right back at him (though unfortunately most of it just drooled down my chin - d'oh!), but enough of it went toward him for him to see it and yell at me, 'what the fuck, crazy lady', and they drove away while I shouted how rude they were, how obnoxious, and they drove away calling me names, while I yelled back over the top of them, 'Ooh, what tough guys,' practically dancing with rebelliousness, daring them to come back (but only in my mind - and really hoping they'd just go away - they seemed like the kind of lame losers who'd key my car or something rather than deal with me directly).

Feeling victorious yet again for having not backed down, I returned to my car and this middle-aged couple asked me what was going on. I admitted that it was kind of stupid, but the guys were rude and seemed to be trying to (almost casually?) intimidate me, and the spitting pissed me off, and the couple agreed and said, 'oh, you should be careful!' And I said, 'well, you know, if we don't stand up to them they just keep doing it. I have to stand up to them.' I don't put up with that shit (unless I seriously think I might be endangering myself, in which case my spidey sense usually tells me to shut up.)

At which the guy said, 'You're one in a hundred, you know that? Not many people would stand up to them like that.' I said, 'I know, I wish more people would do it, then maybe they'd stop being bullies! Because they'd know they couldn't get away with it.' We talked a little more, the woman told me she'd been hit with a gun once, which had made her a little wary. But the guy was more encouraging and appreciative, I guess because he maybe hadn't ever been 'quashed' himself? Dunno. Anyway, nice 'validation' moment. Ka-ching! :-)