old messages

My needs are wrong and bad.

that's what i learned from my parents. i can feel my neck and shoulders scrunching up as i say that, as if expecting to be hit. But as far as I know my parents never hit me (physically) though their words often hit me so hard that i can *still* feel the blows, all these years later... it wasn't that they shouted, or called me names; it was that they said things that were so callously unfeeling, so inconsiderate, so thoughtless, so - cutting. They'd cut me to the bone, over and over again, and leave me there to bleed. And then they wondered why, at some point, i lost all enthusiasm for everything and just wanted to lie there and read.

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i agree with some of Reich's ideas, i think, though not all of them (sorry, my shift key isn't working very well and i don't feel like messing with it right now.) It seems to fit with the whole idea that the physical and emotional are not separate, but are one and the same.

if this is true, then the meridians and their pathways, and the whole idea about body segments, are just different symbologies (the way geometry is for understanding 3-D objects) for understanding how things - thoughts, feelings, etc. - manifest themselves in the body. Which is still a dual/dichotomous/dialectical (? not sure which word is right for this application) way of thinking about it. i keep wishing I could get back to the more animalistic way of doing things, without losing my hard-won awareness. hm. might just have to give that up, it may be getting in my way. And all the 'thinking' isn't really the same as 'awareness', is it? Afraid to let go of the one thing that's always gotten me through, though: Thinking. my brain. Reading and writing and using words to hang on to when there was nothing else (other than a stuffed dog or something.)