boundaries?

Perhaps it's a boundaries thing. I keep feeling this need to express MASSIVE anger at various people - in fact spent a bunch of time ranting, rather loudly, in the yard this afternoon while I was working. It was pretty quiet, Sunday, there weren't many people around, and I actually yelled at the top of my lungs a couple of times with no response. A little scary, really.

I still have this feeling of being stuck, trapped, of being unable to make myself heard.

I have to simply NOT LET PEOPLE CLOSE TO ME who I don't trust. (Which may seem really, really obvious, but given that I grew up with people who expected me to trust them no matter WHAT they did or said - well, I'm not doing it any more. But MAN is it a hard habit to break.)

And the 'not letting people close to me til I trust them' thing is crazy, because given that I have NOBODY AT ALL to be close to, and the need for close human contact is as powerful as the need for air, food and water - what the FUCK am I supposed to do? I get sucked into every passing vortex just because I fucking NEED, CRAVE, am literally STARVING TO DEATH for interaction of any sort whatsoever.

And of course I try really hard to hide it, this aching, painful need; but I'm sure everyone can see it. I'm not embarassed by it, any more - I just don't know how to deal with it. It's like someone who's dying of thirst finally encountering water and trying not to choke to death on the first few gulps because they're so desperately thirsty.

But I cannot, MUST not, allow other people to make the rules, to set the terms of engagement. That's the problem: When you're the only person who admits to NEEDing anything, you're fucked, in this world where power and domination are everything and showing any sign of need whatsoever is considered weakness.

Again it's Fundamental Attribution Error. People who HAVE what they need have no capacity to grasp or comprehend what it's like to NOT have that particular thing. Even if they've been in the exact same situation themselves, even if they were only RECENTLY in that exact same situation. The human capacity for forgetting, denial and compartmentalization may be great coping/survival skills, but they sure make it a living HELL for those of us who aren't yet out of the woods.

***
I think if my stress level were any higher, you'd be able to literally hear a hum from my personal, mental hard drive melting down. I feel like one of those hummingbirds, my little wings flapping at 300 mph, consuming twenty times my body weight daily just to keep up with the stress. Eating myself alive with nervous tension.