The ready-made 'yes'es I was able to find online seem kind of boring, so I'm experimenting with MS Paint to create more interesting ones. No, it's not beautiful, but I had fun doing it :-)
The yeses and noes (sp?) are an attempt at creating an internal navigational system, a rudimentary compass that helps guide me between the shoals of various wanted and unwanted things/people/activities in life. Crude, yes. Effective? Also yes, so far.
I've tried this before, but this time I'm actually able to *feel* the 'yes' and the 'no' in my gut, literally, if I'm paying attention. If I forget, another pretty loud indicator is a sudden surge or drop in energy. I actually made a whole bunch of 'yes' and 'no' signs and scattered them around the house to help me remember to use my guidance system. It makes me smile, especially the small flock of 'yeses' currently heading southward across my living room floor :-)
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It's also a boundaries thing, if that isn't clear. I keep refining that, but it still seems that there's a sizable 'lump' of unfinished business right around my third and second chakras. I seem to have started at the heart chakra and worked my way outward from there, both up and down the chakra system.
I'm now as far as this intransigent lump in my spine, which is slightly higher than my belly button, but seems pretty clearly third chakra related. Something to do with willpower?
And the second chakra one is very much relational, in all kinds of ways with all kinds of people. Hence the boundary thing. That seems to be a pretty universal theme in general for me: Boundaries. How to set them, maintain them, and put no more energy into them than necessary. That last is a new idea for me, and that's all I'll say about it for now :-)
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The other thing I'm noticing is that my legs have been getting weak lately when I'm doing something I don't want to do. It's really bizarre, but sometimes my legs get so noodly that it feels like they're going to collapse! And no, it's not a blood sugar thing - I get that all the time, so I know the difference. Low blood sugar usually starts by me feeling tired and cranky, sometimes almost a little flu-ish. This is different, and a little disturbing.
I keep having this thought that it's from when I was learning to walk, and somehow linked to being two or three years old and not getting to go through my individuation phase (terrible two's) properly.
I'm not sure what all this means, but I'm trying to learn from it.
I also wonder how many other people have to learn how to read their emotions by braille like this? And wonder what it's like to consistently have more direct access to them.
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It's also to do with 'shoulds', which seems to be yet another way to talk about boundaries, individuation, etc.
I feel REALLY strongly that I MUST not go near my mother right now, because she is so utterly and completely oblivious to any and all boundaries I try to set with her of whatever kind. I feel like I end up getting steamrollered, every time.
[Edited to add: I tried to draw a steamroller, but between the Etch-A-Sketch-like qualities of MS paint and the fact that I don't really know what a steamroller looks like, it ended up looking like Ma Kettle driving the Flinstones-mobile. Oops. Guess I won't be showing you that one!]
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I'm also remembering a yoga weekend I took about 10 or more years ago, where we did some Feldenkreis at the end of the long weekend of stretching, relaxation and yoga exercises, and I remember forgetting how to walk. Whatever the work was that we had done, I felt like I literally needed to re-learn my walking technique.
And it feels like I'm still 'holding' whatever that (faulty?) pattern is in my hips. It's as if I'm trying to fend someone off, as if there's an unnecessary tension (unnecessary in the physiological sense, if not in the psychological one) that's making me push them outward all the time or something.
Huh. I hope all this becomes clear really soon, because I'd like to think there's more to my life than simply untangling the mental/emotional/psychological knots that my family implanted all those years ago. I'm READY, universe, for the next thing. Please.
And, aware of the whole, "Be careful what you ask for" concept, let me be a little more specific: I want something GOOD. Something HAPPY and CHEERFUL, something DELIGHTFUL, that makes me want to LEAP out of bed each day with absolute and utter joy!
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Oh, and another one I keep meaning to add to the breadcrumb trail (hope I'm not repeating myself, but I guess if I am, it must need repeating :-): "Once bitten, twice shy."
That one seems like an excellent metaphor (?) for the whole PTSD thing. Maybe I'll write another post on that.
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