no.

Clinging to this lifeline as to a life preserver.

I never had anyone to 'count' on in my life, and I still don't.

I am alone, in a terrifying way.

I do not trust my family; all my 'friends' are either physically or emotionally distant, either too involved in their own lives to have time for me, or they're males who only want involvement if it includes sex.

Conundrum. Again. Help.

***
I canNOT get involved with my family again.

It's so INCREDIBLY painful not to be able to see my nieces. I want so badly to spend time with them, to have SOMEbody to give all this love to that I feel welling up inside me. They, at least at their current ages, actually NEED what I have to offer.

And my brother knows it. And appreciates it.

But the PAIN involved in seeing HIM, or trying to get together without seeing my sister-in-law or mom. My GODdess, how fucking CONVOLUTED this all is. It makes my brain and my HEART hurt.

I've been looking for a way out, an escape hatch, all day. Running in emotional circles, chasing my proverbial tail. Thank the universe that it was a good gardening day today for at least a little while - I managed to get out there and get a bit of satisfaction from nurturing some plants, taking care of some of the green, growing things for a while. Felt myself rooting, grounding, connnecting a little.

But then it started to get cold, and I've since been huddled in front of this computer all afternoon, un-rooted, unconnected to anything real or tangible or alive. I feel as if I'm literally starving to death for loving, caring, kind, gentle, supportive human contact. I feel as if all these people around me KNOW exactly what's going on, and not a single one of them can spare the tiniest drop of compassion to help me survive. It's like being some kind of desert cactus - somehow I'm still alive in spite of the eternally protracted drought period, but: HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I GO ON???? My system can't take these repeated bouts of panic, terror, fear, living as if any minute might be my last. I'm literally going to burn out, fry, crisp my adrenals or whatever the hell it is that's been keeping me going for so long. Pure stubbornness (sp?) near as I can tell, or as Terry Pratchett would put it, 'sheer bloody-mindedness.'