being attracted to people from whom you feel both - flirtation and distancing at the same time?

[not happy with the title (wishing for something more elegant or eloquent - esthetics, don't you know) - but it's a work in progress, I guess what's *most* important is to try to catch the feeling, continue the trail of breadcrumbs...]

Layers, layers.

I grew up with

dismissive
detached
discounting

parents, which left me feeling often

INVALIDATED
INVISIBLE and
POWERLESS.

***
And now, in the present moment?

A quick swirl of flirtation, a passing fancy, a close encounter - these are the flavors of unrequited love, unconsummated passion, the person who always holds something back.

It's a power and control tactic, a self-preservation *habit* learned in early childhood to keep oneself safe from dangerous 'others' - parents, siblings, (non-)friends, etc.

This all comes up because I've had a close encounter with a guy just now, and am in the process of disentangling myself from same. It's *him* I'm talking about, being the person who's 'emotionally distant', or who seems to - simultaneously draw me in and push me away?

I want to keep the locus of 'control' inside mysel, so I'm tryng to understand who owns what, who's *doing* what. Whether I can get him to 'admit' (?) to what I'm talking about or not? Hm. Guess it depends how I frame it - obviously an accusation will put him on the defensive. I'm trying to get away from *blaming* the other person, instead *trying* to just recognize the pattern and see what *I* can do to change *my* part of it.

And if he's willing to discuss it? openly? and possibly even take responsibility for whatever part *he's* playing in the dynamic?

Awesome. UnfuckingbeLIEVEable, really.

Because this is *exactly* the kind of relationship I've been *striving* for for oh-so-long! Yay, Grassy!!! :-)

Stick with

what *I* feel.

And see what happens.
***
One difference seems to be that this time? With *this* guy?

We're *talking*, openly, acknowledging bits and pieces.

The part that's hanging me up is his - unwillingness? inability? to recognize and/or accept, basically COP to, his role in this. Which pushes a *big* button for me from *my* past.

So. Disentangling. Thoughts:

Emotional detachment as a power and contol tactic.

Being attracted to someone who - withholds? certain - praise? Working this one out. He says I'm 'cool', but he won't say he likes me - can't quite put my finger on this one yet.

Letting someone else define me, vs. seeing myself reflected in their eyes?

Framing? Use *my* frame instead of *theirs*.

Emotional detachment is unnatural? As in, goes against human nature? Expand rationale: Humans are tribal, connective beings - a huge part of our very brain structure is devoted to the management (? thinking out loud) of emotions, which are basically like 'indicator' lights telling us whether a 'connection' is working for us properly or not, i.e., whether it's meeting our needs.

Remember that, once again, grasshopper: Meeting of NEEDS is paramount. The VERY MOST IMPORTANT THING OF ALL. (not shouting, just trying to catch my *own* attention with a VERY IMPORTANT thing to remember.)

Possibly related links:

Texting and Emotional Distancing

Emotional distancing only has the appearance of safety. Squelching feelings is just as bad as hoarding them. Remember that everyone is afraid, relationships require a tremendous amount of talking about feelings. You have a far better chance at lasting beyond those easy, glorious, mushy beginnings the more you practice sharing feelings. It’s the practice of sharing that builds trust and intimacy. Stop relying on texting to take the easy way out.

Emotional Distancing in Counseling

...behaviours are not driven solely by our conscious intentions. You may already be aware that our emotional brain directs us in ways we are not always concious of. And, as I have tried to illustrate on this site, most people underestimate the power of our reptilian brain's influence over our motivations.

Our nervous system is energy efficient. As such, it tends to avoid, or compels us to move away from activities, behaviours, and even emotions that appear too stimulating to manage. When emotions are too difficult to experience, an individual reflexively withdraws in order to calm their inner psyche before they are ready to re-engage.

While emotional withdrawal provides temporary relief and time for the nervous system to regain balance or homeostasis, if used chronically, this response will ultimately negatively impact how we feel about ourselves not to mention the health of our relations with others.

Fight or Flight: How Emotional Distance Ruins Marriage

The solution? Don't worry so much about your fight response — that instinct to duke it out verbally. Instead, focus on your flight response — the instinct to avoid your partner. If we can learn to spot the distancing pattern in our relationships, we can help prevent family problems and divorce.

(Note: Link doesn't lead to complete article, dagnabit!)

Against Love: Love Politics Revisited

Quote from an article on "7 Tactics That Can Tank A Relationship":

5. Discounting

This is a dysfunctional strategy used for dealing with differences. It typically occurs when one person expresses their feelings or preferences, their dissatisfactions or upset about the other’s behavior or some aspect of the relationship. The person who’s listening discounts the other’s feelings thoughts or concerns by ignoring them, dismissing them or minimizing their importance. The listener may feel threatened by what’s being said. Maybe they’re afraid of conflict, or they think their partner is highlighting differences between them that may be insurmountable. Sometimes they’re afraid something is going to be asked of them – that they’re going to have to change.

Occasionally a listener minimizes the other’s worries or concerns believing that they are being helpful. Or they don’t know what to do with the other person’s upset so they ignore it. Or they try to make the problem go away by coming up with a quick solution. The person who’s being discounted feels frustrated, belittled and misunderstood. Instead of being able to move on and drop the issue, they usually try even harder to be heard or to have their feelings acknowledged.

Discounting is a defense against experiencing another person’s upset. It’s a response aimed at aborting communication about a topic. While the listener may not realize it, they are actually trying to protect themselves from being distressed by the speaker’s disappointment or upset feelings.

***
Another thing that's pissing me off that I can't seem to communicate to him *why* it's pissing me off: He says his attraction to me is "just the older woman thing."

Well, fuck THAT bullshit - I'm 4 years older than him, for fuck's sake, that hardly counts as 'older'. Bullshit sexist double-standards fucking *still* in play in this bright, shiny, oh-so-progressive (not!) year of 2011.

Yeah. Tables turned? No one whould bat an eyelash at a *man* 4 years older. It's fucking BULLshit, and I'm not buying it.

Also? It's yet another distancing maneuver. It categorizes me, labels me and dismisses me, so that he doesn't have to treat me as a *person*, an individual, someone with unique characteristics all my own.

I'm not part of some fucking category, for fuck's sake!

Whew. Close call, grassy :-)

Grassy the GREAT to the rescue, on her shining steed, once again! Lance at the ready to hoist all fucking moronic male IDIOTS upon their own BULLSHIT (petards). Or something like that.