no such thing as self validation.

There jist ain’t no sich of a thing (quote from some musical, I think.)

See, to *me*, the idea of ‘self validating’ is like giving yourself a hug.

Try it, just try it.

Wrap your arms around yourself, and give yourself a big HUG!

Oh, so much BETTER now, yes?

No.

And THIS is the crux of why nearly *all* self-help bullshit doesn’t work:
It’s because we actually NEED other people.

And many of those basic human needs are about relationship, which, by definition,

includes other people.

Man, it’s *exhausting* to try to make a vehement point while typing. What I *really* want is to YELL this, LOUDLY – SCREAM IT AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS to every person I see.

Because the alternative to ‘relationship’ is ‘navel gazing’, and *that’s* a pretty fucked up way to get *any* kind of need met (she says, comfortably ensconced in her own belly button :-)

I would go so far as to say that we can’t actually GROW UP
until we’ve *experienced* the kind(s?) of relationships that actually allow us to have needs, that recognize that NEEDS are NORMAL and part of a healthy, happy, whole existence.

Whew.

I feel like I’m battling against this massive *weight*, a whole *culture* full of bullshit that lies and lies

and lies

because we’re too scared to face

THE TRUTH:

We’re lonely.

We’re scared!

We NEED each other.

And?

We have no fucking clue how to *do* any of this stuff, because of multiple generations now of isolationist parenting and messed up child rearing practices that have left us all disconnected from each other and ever-more dependent on the teat of technology. Like that poor monkey baby in the experiment all those years ago, who was forced to cuddle up to a *stuffed* mama monkey because the mean experimenters had taken her *real* mama away...

Sad face.

I’ll just say it again: The idea of ‘self validation’ has about as much merit as ‘pulling oneself up by the bootstraps’ – which, if you’ve never *tried* it, is, actually, a physical impossibility.

Validation, to me, requires a viewpoint outside one’s own. Otherwise it’s just a self-referential feedback loop, like a tiger chasing its own tail, or some other useful metaphor that I can’t think of just now.

I *still* say:

We *all* need, and seek, ‘validation’, in the form of recognition, approval, appreciation and what have you – if you believe in Maslow’s hierarchy (and he’s not the only one who says this), then recognition, approval and appreciation from those around us is *paramount* to our mental health.

This ‘self validation’ notion comes from a messed up culture that values *achievement* and *goals* over relationships and people.

Fundamental grasshopper rule number one:

People should *always* be more important than things, including *money*.

Corollary:

If you find yourself focusing on *things* rather than *people*, it’s *most* likely because your relationships aren’t meeting the basic needs relationships are *supposed* to meet.

Plain and simple.

And that’s not about you - that’s about *we*, about *us*, about the collective *tribe* of humans who have, together, jointly, created this situation.

***
Of course it’s not that simple – those of us who were ‘trained’ properly by our parents learn techniques to get our needs met. And the experience of *having* our needs met taught us

a) It’s ok to have needs
b) If you ask, you will receive.

Those of us who had parents who were critical, or shaming, or unresponsive, or harsh, or who possessed any of a number of combinations of destructive relational behavior, probably *didn’t* get those needs met, and came away with varying degrees of dissatisfaction, loneliness, shame, fear, resentment, anger, what have you.

And as adults, we still carry those patterns with us.

Now this is basic dysfunctional family 101 stuff, I get that.

What I’m *trying* to suggest is that the solution that is proposed by dysfunctional people often creates as much dysfunction as it solves, akin to the ‘cure being worse than the disease’ situation.

I’m saying: Let’s get *rid* of labels like needy, and narcissistic, and *all* of them.

Let's say instead: ALL god’s chillun (or whatever your personal belief system leads you to express – I’m *not* a ‘god’ person, but I like the line ‘all god’s chillun’ :-)

ALL god’s chillun
gots needs.

DEAL with it.

Thank you, over and out.