right side of my brain? or: blood from stones?

[blogger ate it, dagnabit – trying again:]

Ok: So, there's this little kid part of me that can't filter properly, can't 'block out' undesirable stuff - can't separate the good from the bad.

Am thinking that it comes from a time in infancy when I literally couldn't escape the mu unit, because of lack of motility, etc. Captive audience. Literally.

So I didn't learn to filter out 'unwanted' things - the only option I had was to tune out - I couldn't escape it (the *thing*) - it followed me, pressed in upon me, gave me no room to escape. It NEEDED me, in some unbearable, horrible, awful way that I couldn't stand. I felt that I was suffocating, sometimes literally.

***
Now? As an 'adult'? ( :-)

I reach for what I want
ask for what I need

and, like that small child who reached
but was rebuffed

occasionally still find myself in that

emotional place:

very small
no power.

So.

Help thyself, Grassy!

ASK.

TELL.

And fucking take no prisoners.

This is *not* about:

nice
right or wrong; this is about: SURVIVAL. At a basic, bare bones, emotional level.

Seek ye not

blood from stones.

Please.

***
And?

The need for control comes from
having none - or, having no ‘power’, that is.