In the last few years I've been uncomfortably aware of a 'schism', a 'split' in the two sides of me (left, right) that I experience as a literal split in my vision (stronger or weaker depending on how much stress I'm dealing with at any given moment - there are times when the two 'sides' seem to work together quite 'normally' [? how would I even *know*?? what 'normal' is, I mean, having no baseline experience to remember or compare to?]).
I imagine a fracture line that runs from the top of my head, slightly left of center, where I part my hair (possibly coincident with falling on my head off a bicycle in 1993?)
I think my psyche took opportunistic advantage of this physical event, which was quite traumatic - I was traveling through Europe with a boyfriend at the time, we were midway through a three-month cycling tour - and this blow to the noggin left me reeling, literally, with a brief bout of amnesia (about half an hour to an hour, I'd say) which was *extremely* jarring (nyuk nyuk).
I think I was looking for a way out of admitting to myself that I'd made a *big* mistake in being with this guy (we'd bought a house together, but had made no emotional commitment whatsoever, and it was becoming ever more clear that this guy was emotionally *not* on my side), and it's occurred to me that the 'jarring' of the amnesia knocked a few things loose, literally. Perhaps my brain took advantage of the temporary confusion to shuffle things around a bit and 'split' off those unmanageable, unpalatable feelings relating to 'that guy' and put them somewhere where they'd pose less of an immediate 'problem'?
Dunno, just an idea. But as this 'healing' is occurring, along with the fractured left/right vision thing, and some weird thing going on with my left eyebrow, and weird patches of gray showing up and then disappearing again in my hair - well, it certainly *feels* as if all these things are somehow related - like a psychological shifting that is finally, after all these long years, restoring my mental 'landscape' to its original (or as close as I can manage) configuration, now that the original 'stressors' are gone, and I'm managing to minimize (interpersonal, at least) stress with other humans as much as possible.
The 'split' jogs across my body at an angle where my gallbladder was cut out - I often feel as if someone cut a major power cord during that process, as if my 'will' were disabled - like severed the main powerline to a machine, or something. And my body has re-routed nearly *everything* to *try* to cope with the absence of a major organ (Western 'medicine' is *really* stupid about the gallbladder and its importance to the overall healthy functioning of the body).
***
I'm thinking that shaping a child's personality may be like working metal - maybe, in the right hands, a 'weak' metal may be alloyed with a stronger one, or a metal with complementary properties, such that the end result is stronger than either element would be on its own.
And conversely, an improperly handled metal may be subject to warping, cracking, checking, or fracturing when subjected to later stresses - heat applied unevenly or too quickly. I'm thinking of something like tempering steel - there must be some 'artistry' involved, some knack, some 'eye' for when the metal needs to be suddenly cooled, or when the heat needs to be applied slowly and evenly.
In any case, a 'bad' parent, I think can 'build in' some character flaws in a child's personality not unlike a crystalline structure such as, say quartz? which is subject to fracturing along a fault line because of the stone's brittle nature.
Unlike a stone, however, I think a child's basic nature (?) can be alloyed with the parent(s)' strengths (and/or weaknesses, of course) to form an end product that is either stronger (more able to cope with life stresses) or weaker (less able) than that child would have been without that parent's influences.
An inept parent can do INCALCULABLE damage in preparing (or *not*) a child for future survival, in all kinds of ways - emotional, psychological, intellectual, financial, etc.
All this is a long-winded lead-up to say that, in the last few years I've become aware of a massive vertical split in my *own* psyche, that I experience visually, and is almost as if someone had taken an axe and cracked my skull, slightly left of center (?! :-), leaving me with a fault line that ran in a jagged, skewed path throughout my body.
That fault line waited, like a fracture in a crystalline stone (and I think my personality was somewhat brittle and crystalline, like the quartz I mentioned).
I have removed some of the strongest of the influences that were keeping my personality in that fragile and brittle state - the corrosive, acidic people who kept me constantly unbalanced, unsettled and unsure of myself, who made my life feel like a house of cards built on quicksand...
...and am *learning* (yay, grasshopper!) to 'invite' (?) in more people who are good at *strengthening* me the ways I *need* to be strengthened.
So it's an ongoing process.
It feels a bit like a zipper is being closed between the two halves - I was cleaved, but not cleanly - can't think of an analogue, but the 'fault' line is kind of a zig zag that jogs back and forth across my body - it seems almost like a map, a literal 'history' of my life, contained in the very cells of my being. It just needs someone to read it, to slowly, patiently, painstakingly, carefully
put Humpty back together again, *trying* to not leave out any essential bits in the process (sorry, gallbladder! I miss you!)
I think I'm going through what's known as a 'healing crisis' as this process is going on - all kinds of weird mental and physical symptoms.
Fortunately, I think I'm one who is easily able to 'dissociate', or 'distance' myself from what's going on, which is great as a coping mechanism in times of stress; *not* so great, maybe? in ongoing, day-to-day dealings with other humans.
So melding the two 'halves' of me back together is - interesting, to say the least.
Anyway, following along with this idea of dissociating as a protective mechanism, I hunted down the following links today.
***
From
http://s99.middlebury.edu/PY204A/STUDENTS/That%20other%20group/dissociative_disorders.htm
People who have outside support to help them cope with trauma are less likely to experience dissociation. In fact, most well-supported adults and children can face extremely traumatic events without developing dissociative defenses (Sikes, 1998). Trauma victims need someone to help them see that life is still worth living, regain their self-esteem, and understand what happened. Trauma is defined by some existentially as "the loss of faith that there is order and continuity in life" (Adams, 1994). Trauma often results in a feeling of hopelessness, a feeling "that one's actions have no bearing on the outcome of one's life" (Adams, 1994). Children who were raped by an adult need someone to help them deal with their disappointment in the world, to understand why an adult would behave that way, and to keep them from blaming themselves: "the psychological disequilibrium that follows trauma [stems] from the shattering of the victim's fundamentaln assumptions that the world is essentially benevolent, that our lives and life events have meaning, and that we are essentially worthy and lovable" (Adams, 1994). Those who have support will probably be able to metabolize the painful experience. Unfortunately, without outside help, especially if traumatic events happen repeatedly, the trauma may be overwhelming and impossible for the victim to process: the "magnitude of exposure, prior trauma, and social support appear to be the three most significant predictors for developing chronic PTSD" (Van der Kolk, 1987).***
Often people do not look for assistance or can find none, especially when painful events are inflicted by the parent(s). It is therefore difficult for them to recover self-esteem, correct distortions in perspective, or feel emotions that should be connected to the trauma. These people will most likely dissociate the memories and live with the effects or seek help later in life when it is more difficult to diagnose and treat. When these people present themselves for therapy, it takes time for many therapists to uncover the trauma behind whatever symptoms brought them there: "Depending on the severity of the abuse, the patient may have mild to moderate dissociative pathology hidden beneath the presenting problems of character pathology, loneliness, and difficulties in relationships" (Adams, 1994). Though recently psychologists are more aware of the possibility of dissociate disorders, "Survivors of childhood abuse often accumulate many different diagnoses before the underlying problem of a complex post-traumatic syndrome is recognized" (Adams, 1994).
Some people can dissociate more easily than others. Those that dissociate extremely easily may lose consciousness of surrounding events in response to minor anxiety. Dissociation can be a gift or ability in a living environment of constant negative experiences (Sikes, 1998). In fact, it is hypothesized that not only chemical differences, but the ability to dissociate, separates those who develop a dissociative disorder from those who are schizophrenic or psychotic, unable to protect their central egos from the information of painful life events. Dissociative people are able to separate disturbing events from everyday consciousness so they will not interfere with everyday functioning. However, the memories of these events, though hidden or separated into pieces, do not disappear. They often intrude into the people's lives in impairing ways:
Patients often experience repetitive intrusions of elements of the traumatic experience despite all efforts at denial and suppression; these repetitions may include recurrences in thought (e.g., nightmares, recurrent obsessive ideas) or emotions (e.g., panic attacks or weeping episodes with or without conscious awareness of association with the trauma), or behavioral reenactments of aspects of the trauma (e.g., compulsive verbalizations, recurrent expressions of the traumatic experience through gesture, movement, or artistic production). Adams, 1994
From
http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Dissociative+disorders
The moderate to severe dissociation that occurs in patients with dissociative disorders is understood to result from a set of causes:***
[...]
* the lack of a supportive or comforting person to counteract abusive relative(s)
From
http://mindbodyintegrativecounseling.com/?p=250
There is something key about words to the human psyche. Educational researchers have found that the number of words that a child hears or sees before the age of three is the single biggest predictor of future success. Early on, word exposure affects brain development. Word usage is fundamental to human development and interaction.***
Somewhat similar to the way ants relate to each other via chemicals, humans relate to each other via words. We are social creatures. Human social life is amazingly complicated and much of it involves words. We depend on accurate feedback from each other to improve our functioning. We depend on language to increase cooperation and enhance survival. We use words to learn and teach. We use words to connect, express support and affection. Misuse of language can wreck havoc in any of these functions. Verbal and other emotional abuse is a misuse of a language function.
Conversely, when talking about verbal and other forms of emotional abuse, too much focus is placed on the literal meaning of the words when responding to verbal abuse or talking about how to heal from it. If we focus on just the words when responding to emotional abuse, we won’t be effective because it is the use of the words to control, manipulate, hurt, dominate or ruin (as in reputation or sanity) that is the problem. For instance, arguing about content with someone who is rationalizing in the first place is a losing battle – s/he will probably just continue to rationalize.
From
Parents' Verbal Abuse Leaves Long-Term Legacy
http://www.keepyourchildsafe.org/library-one/page26.html
Indeed, verbal abuse during childhood can scar people deeply, a new study suggests. It was headed by Martin Teicher, M.D., Ph.D., director of the Developmental Biopsychiatry Research Program at McLean Hospital, which is affiliated with Harvard Medical School. Results were published in the June American Journal of Psychiatry.
Abstract of Teicher's NIMH study, Sticks, stones, and hurtful words: relative effects of various forms of childhood maltreatment here:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16741199
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