this is going to sound ridiculous, but -

- i keep forgetting i'm an introvert. *embarrassed face*

Rabbit/Aquarius combined?

Interesting page on combined traits http://aquariusrabbit.livejournal.com/:

Here is your true to life, one hundred-perecnt virgin intellectual.

The Aquarian Rabbit accumulates knowledge for the fun of it. She is curious about everything, and makes indiscriminate studies of practically everyone she comes in contact with. It doesn't matter whether the subject is edifying or not, Aquarius/Rabbits want to know all about it in the goriest detail. She's fascinated by knowledge, facts, information, learning, erudition -- and experience. She spends a lifetime leaping from book to book, from museum to museum, and from disciplinate to other discipline. It's what Rabbits born in Aquarius like to do -- know more.

They are not particularly competitive in their quest for savvy. The Aquarius/Rabbit really needs to know more just for the sheer pleasure of acquiring facts. However, she may have a smarty-pants side that with a little practice they would do well to eliminate altogether. It is lovely to know scads of interesting things, to recall passages from great poetry, even to be able to recite whole scenes from Shakespeare. But knowledge (especially someone else's) can be very boring. Aquarius/Rabbits tend to pedantry. When they flaunt their information ad nauseum, Aquarius/Rabbits are patently annoying.

Better to apply this knowledge to practical exploits. The concrete use of understanding ought to be the goal. But here is where the Rabbit born Aquarius begins to falter. This person cannot decide what she wants most out of life. They are perpetually seeking outlets of acceptable magnitude and scope in order to apply their huge bank of smarts. The Aquarius/Rabbit suffers from a condition I like to call "too much choice". She can do almost anything she wants, so she never knows what she wants.

This character operates a lot on hunches. She will possess a very specialized and refined vision of others. Aquarius/Rabbit can locate a specific flaw or need in a person's character through pure insight. Perhaps this gift comes from the Aquarius/Rabbit's odd way of studying everyone she meets. But it seems more spooky than that. Aquarius/Rabbit is the one who says, "Hey, you didn't tell me that Jane was divorcing Frank." Your mouth drops open. That was classified information. "How did you know?" you ask the Aquarius/Rabbit, who waits, licking his chops. "Just guessing," she'll tell you with that Cheshire smile.
[...]
In the personal realm, where romance or sentiment is concerned, this feeling of impending loss panics the soul of our hero and threatens to develop into real hysteria. When emotions are at stake, Aquarius/Rabbit loses her cool in seconds. She is vastly sentimental and not always secure about her place in the heart of the loved one. Her apparent calm then serves as a cover for this bottomless pit of possible loneliness that stalks the Aquarius/Rabbit's private hell.

The most striking quality in this person is her desire to undertake projects or great designs. The Aquarius/Rabbit never imagines herself in some lowly, underling, hack job making a living and waiting to retire. No. Aquarius/Rabbits online imagine themselves as grand experimenters with challengers. The Aquarius born Rabbit is born to ride above the average herd. She doesn't even bother to detest mediocrity. She doesn't recognize it. He sees only lofty, cosmic images and leaves the petty, scruffy side of life to those of less elevated aspirations.

From http://en.astralfeeling.com/L5.144_double-signs.php:

RABBIT/AQUARIUS
This native is an intellectual always designing metaphysical theories or philosophical works. He prefers the world of ideas than the real world and family is not at all a priority, he is too busy designing the last prototype of an orbital station. He's most of the time full of energy that he invests in new projects and ideas.

Looking for the right symbol.

Seeking an image that captures what it feels like. Somewhere I've got a picture of a white tiger swimming that seems more like what I'm looking for - peaceful by nature, yet fierce when roused from her - slumber?

The swimming represents flexibility - an animal who *appears* to be most at home in the jungle, yet, when the need arises? Can do things others don't expect. Sort of an 'ace in the hole', or something.

Here she is:



























Isn't she GORGEOUS? :-)

Maybe I'll make my own Tarot and call it Tiger Tarot.

[Edited to add: Serenity seems like a possible name for this card.]

Vietnamese water cat

I don't like the Chinese symbol of 'rabbit' for my birth year, it's never seemed to fit.

Then I came across an alternate symbology that showed Cat instead of Rabbit (in the Vietnamese version), and leaped at it - I *love* cats, and prefer their - stealth? and cunning to the passivity I see in Rabbits.

So here are a couple of quotes about Cats:

From http://www.viethoroscope.com/vietnamese-zodiac-signs/vietnamese-year-of-the-cat/:

Those born in 1903 and 1963 are called water cats and are inclined to be peace makers, cool and easy going. Unfortunately, their kind and supportive nature is most often abused and taken advantage of.

Cats are naturally attentive and hospitable because they do not like unpredictable and unsettled situations; they have the tendency to feel contrived in promoting a comfortable and peaceful atmosphere.
[...]
Cats pay great attention to detail. They always get anxious when everything is in chaos. They gravitate towards safe and conservative decisions; thus missing good opportunities in life. Sentimental and compassionate, cats wear their hearts on their sleeves. As a result of being empathetic, cats make great friends.

Career Cat
A Cat has great career possibilities. Their compassionate attitude will tender them as effective therapists, actors and doctors. Evoking great emotion, they could also become effective administrators, public relations people, writers, publishers, actors and fashion designers. Ambitious, talented and articulate, a cat has excellent business and communication skills.

The Cat and the Heart
A Cat person spends her whole life looking for fulfillment and, more often than not, love is always a factor of this fulfillment. It is not surprising that cats are very sexy lovers and partners. Languid, seductive and purring, this type of person is unselfish in relationships. However, this increase their risk of being in unhealthy relationships.

It is essential that a Vietnamese zodiac cat find a partner who will not take advantage of its nature. A cat needs a partner who can build an atmosphere that is full of harmony, peace and, most of all, love.

The sheep and the cat are highly compatible zodiac animals in the Vietnamese horoscope. Their gentle and nurturing natures complement each other perfectly. Both have good ears for listening; so they can comfort each other in rough times. The cat and the sheep like security and comfort. This commonality will give them a sense of direction — a goal to work on and look forward to.

Cat’s got Your Tongue?
The most dangerous thing for a cat is stress. They cannot cope very well as they usually keep their heartaches bottled up inside; so the cat must be more open, especially about his or her personal relationships for this Vietnamese horoscope year.

From http://www.thingsasian.com/stories-photos/1198:

CATS are smooth talkers, talented and ambitious and will succeed in studies. They are in conflict with the rat. A cat person has a supple mind and patient personality and knows how to wait for favorable conditions before taking action. Cat hours are between 5am and 7am, when cats begin their prowling.

balance. or something.

Hah! Just drew The Magician. Woo! :-)

The Magician in the "Challenges/ Opportunities" Position

Don't get too fixated on the details. Look at the larger picture.

The card that lands in the Challenges/Opportunities position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

The Magus in this position tells you to keep your mind open to divine inspiration. Focus your attention on the hidden piece, the unspoken question, the unchallenged assumption.

Look for a larger pattern. Relax and keep your mind free from trivia, so you can shift your outlook to a new and higher vantage point.

Your challenge is to leave old habits of thinking behind.

Empress with a baseball bat?

I'm having trouble reconciling this whole 'influence others through sheer personal magnetism' business that keeps coming up with the Empress card, with the *reality* of the sheer, fucking ASSHOLE-ness of the people I encounter on a daily basis.

Give them the benefit of the doubt? Why the fucking hell *should* I when they're so quick to jump down my throat, attack, persecute, what have you, for *NO* fucking reason whatsoever, other than that they fucking 'feel like it'?

FUCK that.

I *have* to hit back. 'Nice'ness simply doesn't *work* with these people - they just take it as license to back up and run over me *again*.

FUCKERS.

And maybe, with time? I can learn to only use as much force as absolutely necessary. But: The *only* way I'm going to learn is with practice.

I also like the martial arts approach I read about (can't remember what it's called) that advocates using the *attackers* strength against them, or, at least, turning their 'attack' to your benefit somehow. Not sure I'm really up to that - it's a lot of fucking work. On the other hand, it may turn out to be *less* work than actively fighting them.

Hm.

Worth considering.

sometimes a baseball bat is *necessary*.

Or: If they don't 'get' it the first 9,234,975 million times you tell them?

Hit them harder. With a cluestick, or, if necessary? with a fucking 2x4.

Upside the head, for preference.

And when they're lying there? Prone? and you *finally* have their fucking, full, undivided attention?

Give it to them RIGHT BETWEEN THE FUCKING EYES.

They have a harder time forgetting that way.

Wu wei, again?? Or, Ace of Swords as defender of 'middle path'.

Ace of Swords in the "Situation" Position

Your unique comprehension of the situation can help clear up confusion that could otherwise jeopardize progress.

The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.

With the Ace of Swords in this position, circumstances indicate that the path to your destination twists and turns in a bewildering way. Your insight, however, can penetrate and make sense of the confusion.

You possess an outlook or vision that can harmonize with whatever competing interests and needs present themselves. Ultimately, it is up to you to reveal the big picture, point out the middle path, and reconcile the polarities. You are aware of what the next step is. Continue to focus on it solely without letting yourself or others be distracted.

From tarot.com.

idiots. "Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right - here I am, caught in the middle again..."

My brother once said he thought I, "Just didn't get it," meaning, the 'way things work'.

I corrected him, saying, "Oh, yeah, I get it all right - this is a man's world, the rules are made *by* men, *for* men, to suit *men's* needs. Women's needs and wants don't come into it. Why the *hell* do you think I'd want to play by *those* rules?"

I think I earned his respect a)for my intelligence and clear-sightedness and b)for not putting up with the shit. On the other hand, he made some crack about 'liking it that way,' which earned him my eternal contempt as an - irretrievable? some other word I can't think of - ASShole.

c'est la life. *shrug*.

That statement of 'by men, for men' etc. echoes Nader's thing about American govt. being "of the corporations, by the corporations, for the corporations." Also comes to mind the 3 monkeys, "see no, speak no, and hear no" evil.

***
The thing I was thinking earlier, that prompted all this writing today, was that I sometimes feel as if I've 'escaped' (hence the appropriateness of the 'escape' thing) a mindset that damn near every. single. fricking. human. I *meet*
seems to have got sucked into.

Why am I different?

I don't know.

Would I be the same as them if I were more naturally aggressive?

I don't know.

Does it do any good to speculate?

Probably not.

"I yam what I yam."

Also:

"I do not *like* green eggs and ham."

***
Therefore, and, in conclusion:

They push me?
I push back.

They're shocked, because they thought I was a pushover.

Except when I'm shouting at them, in which case I'm 'bossy', 'pushy', 'demanding' - even if I'm merely standing up for my own fucking RIGHTS.

Stupid-ass mother-fuckers. FUCK the lot of them.

Jesus fucking CHRIST on a fucking POGO stick.

FUCK.

trauma; dominator paradigm; s*goating.

dominator paradigm and s*goating? Still hunting for a root cause, link, &c.

I don't agree with everything the following website says on this subject - but, grains of truth and all that.

That said: From http://www.trufax.org/paradigm/paradigm/escape3.html (bolds mine):

When we first read this account, we realized that it summarizes what happens in societies that systematically traumatize their citizens for purposes of control.

Dominator societies don’t want us to be who we are. Our being who we are proves inconvenient, because dominator systems want us to be who they tell us to be. They don’t want our creativity. They want our obedience. They don’t want our real selves.

They want our traumatized selves, our frozen rabbit selves, ready to sacrifice everything for the promise of safety and security.
[...]
Whenever we give up being who we are, we can be fooled into aiming our anger or contempt at a scapegoat—from a person to a race to humanity in general, “the dumb masses.” All our trauma-energy gets fired like a bullet at “the other,” especially if that “other” reminds us of our own helplessness. As Alice Miller puts it, “Contempt for those who are smaller and weaker thus is the best defense against a breakthrough of one’s own feelings of helplessness” (The Drama of the Gifted Child, p. 67).

Daily traumatizing can also create the helpless victim, the second, lower tier of society. Psychiatrist Sandra Bloom (and she represents pioneering work on trauma theory) explains that our self-efficacy—our ability to deal effectively with dangerous situations—is put to the test when any trauma threatens. If we can respond to the trauma, then we learn effectiveness. Our sense of selfhood becomes more secure and confident. We understand our abilities and our creative potential, especially if we can, as Viktor Frankl indicates (see Man’s Search for Meaning), turn suffering into meaning.
[...]
If, however, there is nothing we can do, then we learn helplessness. If the control-paradigm parent, teacher, spouse, or boss cannot be stopped, then our self-efficacy disappears. And because this is so often our experience in families, schools, and jobs—along with the social traumatizers mentioned above—we’re conditioned into helplessness constantly.

Many times, we’ve been told that the problem with humanity is that no one wants to fix the broken world. If we listen to pundits or angry neighbors, we’ll hear that we humans are just lazy. Or passive. Or sheep. But what’s really going on is what Sandra Bloom and her colleagues call “learned helplessness.” She writes, “in an environment in which some important outcome is beyond control, an animal will give up trying to alter its situation and will come to expect that nothing it can do will change the outcome. The animal learns to be helpless, and this helplessness persists even when conditions change” (Creating Sanctuary, p. 22).

The same phenomenon occurs in humans: “For children raised in abusive or neglectful homes, this failure to achieve a feeling of competence or efficacy often pervades their entire development. Regardless of what they do, how hard they try to please, how fast they run away, how strenuously they try not to cry—nothing stops the abuse.

As a result they often give up any notion that they can affect the course of their lives in a positive way” (Creating Sanctuary, p. 23).

The abuse doesn’t have to be physical to have this effect, Sandra Bloom notes (and as we’ve said, it doesn’t happen just with children):

“[Children’s] sense of self-efficacy can be seriously undermined by disparaging comments and by ridiculing and humiliating statements from parents, teachers, schoolmates, and other caretakers”(p.23).
[...]
By contrast, Sandra Bloom writes, “trauma theory has taught us that this [“official” psycho-medical] perception is nonsense, that

most [so-called] psychiatric disorder is the culmination of normal reactions to abnormal situations, situations largely created by the failure of our social systems to provide traumatized children with the protection and care to which they have a right” (Creating Sanctuary, p. 11).

Trying to see if there's a link between sc*pegoating and shame-based culture.

I believe that we live in a culture of shame.

That nearly everything *any*one ever does, says, or *thinks* has to do with avoiding, deflecting or re-directing shame (onto another person, in the case of s*goating.)

So: Link to an article on shame-based culture:

http://sandgetsinmyeyes.blogspot.com/2009/03/life-in-shame-based-culture.html

Excerpt:

What we think matters or as Proverbs says: For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he. (Proverbs 23-7 KJV)

Our thoughts frame our experiences and emotions, and our experiences and emotions create our attitudes.

Words define thoughts.

Thoughts frame experiences and emotions.

Experiences and emotions create attitudes.

What we think matters because our attitudes matter.

And attitudes matter because they impact our actions and reactions.

Here’s another way of saying it:

Be careful of your thoughts, For your thoughts become your words.
Be careful of your words, For your words become your deeds.
Be careful of our deeds, For your deeds become your habits.
Be careful of your habits, For your habits become your character.
Be careful of your character, For your character becomes you destiny. (Author unknown)

'Tyranny of the majority.' Again, searching for that underlying cause, the 'universal field theory', or whatever.

Consulting Google oracle, came up with the phrase, "tyranny of the majority."

Very useful/applicable in some things currently happening in grasshopper's local universe :-)

Interesting link on the tyranny of majority and the founders' thoughts on it in framing the U.S. Constitution:

http://www.garlikov.com/philosophy/majorityrule.htm

expanding on (expounding on?) the 'escape' mechanism - or, "Why the monkeys fought over the extra banana."

Because they could. Or: "Because it was there." Same answer as to, "Why did (so-and-so) climb the mountain?"

People do things because nobody can stop them until it's too late. Hence the, "Easier to get forgiveness than permission" principle.

Once they've got away with it, the *big* deal is: Distraction. Keep waggling the *other* hand around in front of their faces so they won't notice what you're pulling off with the first hand.

And? If you're not *naturally* suspicious, skeptical or cynical?

Go BUY some cynicism. NOW. By the BARREL. Trust me, you're going to *need* it. Consider it the emotional version of Roundup.

Links on escaping (Houdini-like :-)

From http://www.scapegoat.demon.co.uk/ (bolds mine). Broken into small pieces for easier digestibility:

Scapegoating is a hostile social - psychological discrediting routine by which people move blame and responsibility away from themselves and towards a target person or group.

It is also a practice by which angry feelings and feelings of hostility may be projected, via inappropriate accusation, towards others.

The target feels wrongly persecuted and receives misplaced vilification, blame and criticism;

she is likely to suffer rejection from those who the perpetrator seeks to influence.
[YES! Bingo! dingdingdingdingding - we have a winnah!]

Scapegoating has a wide range of focus: from "approved" enemies of very large groups of people down to the scapegoating of individuals by other individuals. Distortion is always a feature.

In scapegoating, feelings of guilt, aggression, blame and suffering are transferred away from a person or group so as to fulfill an unconscious drive to resolve or avoid such bad feelings.

This is done by the displacement of responsibility and blame to another who serves as a target for blame both for the scapegoater and his supporters.

The scapegoating process can be understood as an example of the Drama Triangle concept [Karpman, 1968].

The perpetrator's drive to displace and transfer responsibility away from himself may not be experienced with full consciousness - self-deception is often a feature.

The target's knowledge that he is being scapegoated builds slowly and follows events.

The scapegoater's target experiences exclusion, ostracism or even expulsion.

In so far as the process is unconscious it is more likely to be denied by the perpetrator.

In such cases, any bad feelings - such as the perpetrator's own shame and guilt - are also likely to be denied.

Scapegoating frees the perpetrator from some self-dissatisfaction and provides some narcissistic gratification to him.

It enables the self-righteous discharge of aggression. Scapegoaters tend to have extra-punitive characteristics.

Scapegoating also can be seen as the perpetrator's defense mechanism against unacceptable emotions such as hostility and guilt.

n Kleinian terms, scapegoating is an example of projective identification, with the primitive intent of splitting: separating the good from the bad.

On another view,

scapegoaters are insecure people driven to raise their own status by lowering the status of their target.

the one who got away, or, the 'escape' goat.

Googling for a 'positive' replacement term for 'scapegoat', came across this from Wikipedia:

The word "scapegoat" is a mistranslation of the word Azazel (In Hebrew: עזאזל).

The Septuagint, an early Greek translation of the Old Testament, had incorrectly translated Azazel as ez ozel – literally, "the goat that departs" – and translated the word as tragos apopompaios, meaning "goat sent out". The error was further promulgated in the Latin Vulgate, which rendered the word as caper emissarius, or "emissary goat". William Tyndale rendered the Latin as "(e)scape goat" in his 1530 Bible. This translation was later appropriated in the King James Version of the Bible (Leviticus chapter 16) in 1611.[2]

Leaving off that ONE letter is kind of a big deal. I'd *much* rather be the 'escape goat', or, "the one who got away."

Bueno. :-)

Also, from the same Wiki article (bolds mine):

The "scapegoat mechanism" in philosophical anthropology

Literary critic and philosopher Kenneth Burke first coined and described the expression "scapegoat mechanism" in his books Permanence and Change (1935), and A Grammar of Motives (1945). These works influenced some philosophical anthropologists, such as Ernest Becker and Rene Girard.

Girard developed the concept much more extensively as an interpretation of human culture. In Girard's view,

it is humankind, not God, who has the problem with violence.

Humans are driven by desire for that which another has or wants (mimetic desire).

This causes a triangulation of desire and results in conflict between the desiring parties. This mimetic contagion increases to a point where society is at risk; it is at this point that the scapegoat mechanism[10] is triggered.

This is the point where one person is singled out as the cause of the trouble and is expelled or killed by the group. This person is the scapegoat. Social order is restored as people are contented that they have solved the cause of their problems by removing the scapegoated individual, and the cycle begins again.

The keyword here is "content", scapegoating serves as a psychological relief for a group of people.

Standing up to the !@#%#^$!'s

Bat the mo-fo's outta the park! BAM!

In the absence of actual 'witnesses' or people *like* me to swap stories with, I hunt down this stuff from the Web as my current, best-available stand-in.

So, today (bolds mine):
From http://www.healthwd.info/news/the-legend-of-the-scapegoat/

The Scapegoat must have two characteristics in order to be able to perform their function:

1) They must be the strongest. The Scapegoat has to bear the sins of the entire family. They have to survive, alone, in the “desert” without the comfort or support of the family. So they must be strong in order to carry the burden.

2) They must be the most loving. The Scapegoat sacrifices themself for the benefit of the family. Again, this is somewhat subconscious, but on some level they know they are doing this. They give up themselves so the family may appear to be “OK”.

One of the downsides of having 20/20 vision by virtue of sobriety is a re-acquaintance, re-wounding, or re-introduction, if you will, by way of emotional clarity and “awakeness” to the aberrant family dynamics. catch-22 is that when the scapegoat dares to shine a light on a family system or any moving parts that are unwell, the light of truth is immediately resisted and refracted back to the scapegoat or their behavior. The below was write up by Robert Burney, M.A., about the typical moving parts in family dysfunctions or family systems that are unwell.

“The emotional dynamics of dysfunctional families are basic – and like emotional dynamics for all human beings are pretty predictable. The outside details may look quite different due to a variety of factors, but the dynamics of the human emotional process are the same for all human beings everywhere.

Emotional dishonesty is very often at the root of such family dysfunction. When the role model of what a man is does not allow a man to cry or express fear; when the role model for what a woman is does not allow a woman to be angry or aggressive – that is emotional dishonesty. When the standards of a society deny the full range of the emotional spectrum and label certain emotions as negative, or any emotions as negative, for that matter - that is not only emotionally dishonest, it creates emotional disease. “

Within family dysfunction, some children maintain one role into adulthood while others switch from one role to another as the family dynamic changes (i.e. when the oldest leaves home, etc.) A child may play all of the roles at one time or another.

wisdom of the Hanged Man?

From tarot.com; bolds mine.

The Hanged Man in the "Situation" Position

Someone's stance, style or point of view must be sacrificed to relieve the situation of stress and unsettled feelings.

The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.

The Hanged Man in this position indicates that

a scapegoat may be needed.

The situation will feel tense, difficult, and blocked until someone is produced to absorb the blame.

Scapegoating doesn't require truth or justice.

It is the result of the collective projection of guilt. Some situations may be wired to such a degree that heads must roll.

Those who subject themselves to a position such as this know the odds and prepare to undergo their fate in the way of the warrior -- with composure and dignity.

Show compassion for this person. If it is not you, remember but for the grace of God it could have been.

There is no moral stain on those who find themselves in the position of the scapegoat.

There is one, however, on those who judge themselves to be superior and immune to this fate. The ordeal will have been worth it if it brings the participants, including you, to a new point of view and release from the past.

For the record, I, grasshopper, hereby officially disagree with the last line of this person's take on the 'scapegoat' or Hanged Man 'role'.

*I* believe that 'turning the other cheek', in *this* world, just gets you two black eyes instead of one. Witness Gandhi; witness every other frickin' martyr the world has ever seen: Joan of Arc; Martin Luther King. Yes, they are called on as 'figureheads' to lead movements, their sacrifices are used as emotional 'capital' (hm - a bit like JC's sacrifice on the cross? interesting.)

Anyway, I don't buy it. Sacrificing one human to soothe the guilt of another? Is just part and parcel of the whole 'dominator' bullshit mindset. It's all about ego, and how one person's ego is more 'valid' or 'important', somehow, than that of another.

Bullshit.

Either we're ALL EQUAL in the eyes of god (or whoever);

or we're NOT.

Fucking CHOOSE, you hypocritical, full-of-shit ASSHOLES. No more fucking FENCE sitting - the splinters are *killing* me.

Power and wisdom cards: Queen of Pentacles and Empress

Queen of Coins in the "Love and Me" Position

You can divine true meaning by using your penetrating intuition on behalf of your next relationship.

The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself with regard to possible intimacy in your life.

The Queen of Coins in this position indicates that you have come into full possession of your instincts and intuitions. You trust your body's wisdom, know how to decipher the signs and clues within daily events, and can feel the energies at work to discern the direction in which things are moving in your future relationship.

You may be the diviner or oracle for your family or tribe.[grasshopper grins :-)]

You can open yourself to a question and decipher the natural response your body/mind gives. You may work with oracle systems like the Tarot, I Ching or Runes -- or you may not. The feedback you give others - including a possible love interest -- is invariably useful, practical and educational. You are grounded in the practical world and your hunches are trustworthy; others can bank on them. This card is quite a compliment to you.

The Empress in the "Challenges" Position

When using your power to please, be careful not to overstep the boundaries of a potential relationship.

The card that lands in the Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

The Empress in this position challenges you to avoid using seduction as a way of achieving harmony or agreement. The Empress typically uses the drawing power of regal attractiveness to get what she wants.

Following in her example, you may also find yourself nearing a potential relationship where everyone likes and feels comfortable with you.

As such, you may be directing the action. You now have an opportunity to influence others - including a potential love interest -- through sheer personal magnetism.

But take caution! There's no need to overstep possible relationship boundaries or promise more than you truly want to deliver. By being ethical and respectful of your desired one's boundaries, you'll help establish a solid foundation for the future.

From tarot.com. Bolds mine.

Another good card: Queen of Wands.

Queen of Wands in the "Situation" Position

A persuasive, responsive style induces cooperation and high achievement.

The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.

When the Queen of Wands falls in this position, a motherly, take charge force in your environment is managing and organizing all the players.

This feminine symbol represents a persuasive, emotionally available style as opposed to more forceful, traditionally masculine methods.

This managerial influence is inducing good behavior by holding a high standard and embodying it, urging everyone to make his or her greatest effort.

The Queen of Wands is a zealous worker who brooks no opposition and can overshadow the efforts of others. Even though it is true that this person can be manipulative, she truly inspires people to do their best.

From tarot.com - bolds mine.

cards I like today. Eight of Coins; Two of Wands.

Eight of Coins, in the "Self" Position

Give yourself credit for the quality work you are producing; it may benefit your personal development, your peace of mind and your overall position in the world.

The card in the Self position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself right now, including how at peace you are with and within yourself.

The Eight of Coins in this position reveals a gift or talent for design, engineering or problem solving -- the know-how necessary to combine utility with efficiency and beauty. This points to a budding master developing his or her craft. When a person becomes proficient at something, his or her good reputation can spread until the work is showcased in the loftiest venues.

It is important for you to respect and appreciate the high quality of whatever work you produce, whether it is in the physical world or in the subtler realms of meditation or inner development. It is also important for you to enjoy the acclaim and the personal, emotional and spiritual benefits that accrue from your achievements.

Two of Wands in the "Situation" Position

Allow the personal situation to unfold at its own pace, even if it's difficult for you to give up control and surrender to a higher power.

The Situation position refers to the general set of influences that surround you and affect your personal experience of peace. We all have to deal with conflict and are affected by the process.

The Two of Wands in this position reveals a situation that could breed some self-doubt and inner turmoil. Although this may feel agonizing to an ambitious person, it's wise to accept that thoughtful hesitation creates the space where new realizations can occur. . Perhaps you have yet to identify the higher interests that have called you into this situation. You may also need to stew in your own juices for a few days or weeks.

What's the best use of your faculties and emotions at this time? Try to quiet your mind in meditation so that you can study what's going on around you. Use your emotions to feel the pattern that this situation might be expressing. Take the time to review what your own experience has taught you about situations like this. Otherwise you might proceed unprepared and in haste -- which could mean greater problems later on.

Useful term learned today: 'Selective inattention.' From an article on manipulation.

Reminds me of old people who develop 'selective hearing loss' - the ability to only hear what they *want* to. Especially good for those with hearing aids, who can literally 'turn off the world' when they feel like it. Hence the look of blissful peace from so many who've lost a certain amount of hearing, I'm guessing :-)

Excerpts from a book called In Sheep's Clothing:
http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing11.html

Long quotes (bolds mine, except section titles):

For a long time, I wondered why manipulation victims have a hard time seeing what really goes on in manipulative interactions. At first, I was tempted to fault them. But I've learned that they get hoodwinked for some very good reasons:

1. A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they're fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can't point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us, we can't readily validate our feelings.

2. The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're hurting, caring, defending, ..., almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a person doubt their gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused. Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and objectively tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you or consciously on the defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to which anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally on the run.

3. All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might exploit. Sometimes, we're aware of these weaknesses and how someone might use them to take advantage of us. For example, I hear parents say things like: "Yeah, I know I have a big guilt button." – But at the time their manipulative child is busily pushing that button, they can easily forget what's really going on. Besides, sometimes we're unaware of our biggest vulnerabilities. Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited.

4. What our gut tells us a manipulator is like

challenges everything we've been taught to believe about human nature. We've been inundated with a psychology that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or "hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath."

What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and insensitive people. [grasshopper adds: "And, for this reason, W]e hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments about others.

We want to give them the benefit of the doubt [grasshopper editorial add: as we like to be given the benefit of the doubt *ourselves*] and assume they don't really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character.
[...]
Almost everyone is familiar with the term defense mechanism.

Defense mechanisms are the "automatic" (i.e. unconscious) mental behaviors all of us employ to protect or defend ourselves from the "threat" of some emotional pain.

More specifically, ego defense mechanisms are mental behaviors we use to "defend" our self-images from "invitations" to feel ashamed or guilty about something. There are many different kinds of ego defenses and the more traditional (psychodynamic) theories of personality have always tended to distinguish the various personality types, at least in part, by the types of ego defenses they prefer to use.

One of the problems with psychodynamic approaches to understanding human behavior is that they tend to depict people as most always afraid of something and defending or protecting themselves in some way; even when they're in the act of aggressing.

Covert-aggressive personalities (indeed all aggressive personalities) use a variety of mental behaviors and interpersonal maneuvers to help ensure they get what they want. Some of these behaviors have been traditionally thought of as defense mechanisms.

While, from a certain perspective we might say someone engaging in these behaviors is defending their ego from any sense of shame or guilt, it's important to realize that at the time the aggressor is exhibiting these behaviors, he is not primarily defending (i.e. attempting to prevent some internally painful event from occurring), but rather fighting to maintain position, gain power and to remove any obstacles (both internal and external) in the way of getting what he wants.

Seeing the aggressor as on the defensive in any sense is a set-up for victimization. Recognizing that they're primarily on the offensive, mentally prepares a person for the decisive action they need to take in order to avoid being run over.

Therefore, I think it's best to conceptualize many of the mental behaviors (no matter how "automatic" or "unconscious" they may appear) we often think of as defense mechanisms, as

offensive power tactics,

because aggressive personalities employ them primarily to manipulate, control and achieve dominance over others. Rather than trying to prevent something emotionally painful or dreadful from happening, anyone using these tactics is primarily trying to ensure that something they want to happen does indeed happen. Using the vignettes presented in the previous chapters for illustration, let's take a look at the principal tactics covert-aggressive personalities use to ensure they get their way and maintain a position of power over their victims:

Denial
This is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to themselves as well as to others) about their aggressive intentions. This "Who... Me?" tactic is a way of "playing innocent," and invites the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior.

It's also the way the aggressor gives him/herself permission to keep right on doing what they want to do.

This denial is not the same kind of denial that a person who has just lost a loved one and can't quite bear to accept the pain and reality of the loss engages in. That type of denial really is mostly a "defense" against unbearable hurt and anxiety.

Rather, this type of denial is not primarily a "defense" but a maneuver the aggressor uses to get others to back off, back down or maybe even feel guilty themselves for insinuating he's doing something wrong.
[...]Selective Inattention
This tactic is similar to and sometimes mistaken for denial It's when the aggressor "plays dumb," or acts oblivious. When engaging in this tactic, the aggressor actively ignores the warnings, pleas or wishes of others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to everything and anything that might distract them from pursuing their own agenda. Often, the aggressor knows full well what you want from him when he starts to exhibit this "I don't want to hear it!" behavior.

By using this tactic, the aggressor actively resists submitting himself to the tasks of paying attention to or refraining from the behavior you want him to change. In the story of Jenny and Amanda, Jenny tried to tell Amanda she was losing privileges because she was behaving irresponsibly. But Amanda wouldn't listen. Her teachers tried to tell her what she needed to do to improve her grade: but she didn't listen to them either.

Actively listening to and heeding the suggestions of someone else are, among other things, acts of submission.

And, as you may remember from the story, Amanda is not a girl who submits easily. Determined to let nothing stand in her way and convinced she could eventually "win" most of her power struggles with authority figures through manipulation, Amanda closed her ears. She didn't see any need to listen. From her point of view, she would only have lost some power and control if she submitted herself to the guidance and direction offered by those whom she views as

less powerful, clever and capable [than] herself.
[...]
Diversion – A moving target is hard to hit. When we try to pin a manipulator down or try to keep a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior we don't like, he's expert at knowing how to change the subject, dodge the issue or in some way throw us a curve. Manipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas.
[...]
Lying
It's often hard to tell when a person is lying at the time he's doing it. Fortunately, there are times when the truth will out because circumstances don't bear out somebody's story. But there are also times when you don't know you've been deceived until it's too late. One way to minimize the chances that someone will put one over on you is to remember that because aggressive personalities of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want, you can expect them to lie and cheat.

Another thing to remember is that manipulators – covert-aggressive personalities that they are – are prone to lie in subtle, covert ways. Courts are well aware of the many ways that people lie, as they require that court oaths charge that testifiers tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the truth from you or by distorting the truth. They are adept at being vague when you ask them direct questions. This is an especially slick way of lying' omission.

Keep this in mind when dealing with a suspected wolf in sheep's clothing. Always seek and obtain specific, confirmable information.
[...]
Guilt-tripping
One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences than they do.

Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon.

Aggressive personalities of all types use guilt-tripping so frequently and effectively as a manipulative tactic, that I believe it illustrates how fundamentally different in character they are compared to other (especially neurotic) personalities.

All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately starts to feel bad.

On the contrary, a conscientious person might try until they're blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive personality) to feel badly about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility, or admit wrongdoing, to absolutely no avail.
[...]
Playing the Servant Role
Covert-aggressives use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a more noble cause. It's a common tactic but difficult to recognize.

By pretending to be working hard on someone else's behalf, covert-aggressives conceal their own ambition, desire for power, and quest for a position of dominance over others.
[...]
Seduction
Covert-aggressive personalities are adept at charming, praising, flattering or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and surrender their trust and loyalty.

Covert-aggressives are also particularly aware that people who are to some extent emotionally needy and dependent (and that includes most people who aren't character-disordered) want approval, reassurance, and a sense of being valued and needed more than anything. Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be a manipulator's ticket to incredible power over others.
[...]
Projecting the blame (blaming others)
Aggressive personalities are always looking for a way to shift the blame for their aggressive behavior. Covert-aggressives are not only skilled at finding scapegoats, they're expert at doing so in subtle, hard to detect ways.

Minimization
This tactic is a unique kind of denial coupled with rationalization. When using this maneuver, the aggressor is attempting to assert that his abusive behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain.

conversation (?) with a jerk

words coming to mind:

jerk
affluenza (from an article read while trying to soothe and calm self)
selfish
mean
cruel
manipulative
status-seeker
manipulative
liar
cheat

Yes, I realize I wrote 'manipulative' twice. Hm, does that maybe mean I think she's a selfish, manipulative, lying jerk?

Yes. I think it does. I deleted her from my phone list. No excuse for this kind of behavior.

i *need* this fierce intelligence

this brain, this – thinking part, that chews, and digests, and works through things – it feels like my brain is a muscle that is single-(mindedly? :-)
hauling me through the

mud
muck
dreck

that is the detritus of

human relations.

the hardest part

is leaving them behind.

I must do it
but I feel like a (not so brave)
space explorer
venturing off into the great unknown

alone.

I would dearly *love* to bring them with me.

But: You must be taller than *this* stick to ride this ride.

Which is not a ‘judgment’, more an – observation?

Ok, it’s a judgment. Discrimination? Not as in, bigotry, but – the *ability to discriminate*? as in, to parse, to make sense of, to choose based on the available data.

Tears lubricate the - soul?

That’s all I have to say about that :-)

a tricky card: The Hanged Man

The Hanged Man in the "Self" Position

A sacrifice mediates the situation and returns it to normal.

The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now.

The Hanged Man represents the taking of a loss. He's the sacrificial lamb, whether it's accepted with grace or only because it's been forced upon him. In either case, his ordeal serves to clear the air of general tension, denial and game playing. The Hanged Man's predicament brings issues to a head, making it possible to clear the slate and allow everyone to start over.

Whether it's purely symbolic or has to do with real events, such a situation can clear the collective conscience and helps to break old patterns. It's a good thing that it's you playing this vulnerable role, and not someone else who may be broken by the situation. You are resilient and regenerative, someone who can view this experience as educational and not be totally victimized by it. This is the enlightened attitude. Your sacrifice will make a difference in the larger flow of events, even if it's not fair and you don't deserve it.

More cards: Queen of Cups; The Moon

Queen of Cups in the "Self" Position

You are called upon to be a loving master of emotional integrity for your personal well-being and inner peace.

The card in the Self position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself right now, including how at peace you are with and within yourself.

The Queen of Cups is the archetype of loving kindness, someone imbued with a strong concern for the well-being of others, including yourself. This is a good thing to develop and practice. At the same time, make sure you don't get carried away with showing compassion for others and lose track of what is healthy and sensible for you. Like a mother, the Queen of Cups is accepting and nurturing, with a natural capacity for bonding. She has to make sure she keeps something in reserve for herself and for the future.

The vulnerability of openness and empathy are important qualities sorely lacking in today's world. Learn to develop these capacities in yourself, but avoid dwelling in self-absorption. Love, even self-love, is ultimately about dissolving boundaries, but not at your personal expense. Feelings of emptiness and exhaustion will do you no good. Know your boundaries and make sure you are not being taken advantage of or relied upon too heavily. Express compassion to yourself and others, but don't let an intense concern for the welfare of others compromise your own well-being and peace of mind.

The Moon in the "Challenges/ Opportunities" Position

You are not adrift; you can navigate this extraordinary experience with skill.

The card in the Challenges/Opportunities position reflects how you can use creativity and skill to turn conflicts into harmonious understanding.

The Moon in this position is a challenge to retain a modicum of self-consciousness while you sink deeply into your primal nature. As happens at full moon, something has loosened the flood gates of the collective unconscious and you are aware of the high tide as much as anyone.

It helps if you have trained your instincts and impulses not to override your self-discipline. When reason is eclipsed by feelings, your natural and psychic intelligence can provide a safety net. Once the floodgates of the unconscious are opened, you will be self-preserving and sensitive, leaving behind old patterns. Trust that your good reflexes will respond appropriately to what your sensors tell you is going on around you.

cards I like today: Ace of Pentacles (coins); Nine of Coins; The World; Hierophant; The Devil (bwahahaaaa :-)

Ace of Coins in the "Self" Position

You are becoming increasingly aware of your contribution and value.

The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now.

The Ace of Coins in this position indicates you are in a position to discover that your life force, your consciousness and your growing value to the world are all the same thing. This card represents an increasing awareness of your contribution, and the path of your fulfillment in this life.

Everything we achieve is a reflection of our character and personality. This first coin can form the foundation of your expanding worth, attracting more, until you accumulate all the abundance you could ever dream of. But first you must become magnetic.

Nine of Coins in the "Love and Me" Position

Freed from uncertainty about the future, you can develop your charms and enjoy greater romantic fulfillment.

The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself with regard to possible intimacy in your life.

The Nine of Coins in this position indicates liberation from survival fears, freedom from worry and uncertainty. The traditional image shows a person who has enough, is taken care of, whose romantic and partnership needs are supported. The abundance she enjoys allows her the freedom to be herself and cultivate her natural talents and interests.

This is a wonderfully optimistic card that says you are starting from a well-supported position. Somehow you have placed yourself in a flow of abundance. The question is "What are you going to do with this wonderful, future relationship opportunity?"

The World in the "Challenges/ Opportunities" Position

You have mastered the elements of your life to the degree that success is a regular occurrence.

The card that lands in the Challenges/Opportunities position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

The World in this position challenges you to maintain a dynamic balance between inner pressures and outer circumstances, your male side and your female side, innocence and wisdom, action and response. You have grown into your potential. It's wonderful to find yourself at the center of the universe, in the right place at the right time.

The Hierophant in the "Situation" Position

A teacher who is familiar with esoteric knowledge can steer you and the one you desire towards the answers you need.

The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.

The Hierophant in this position implies that you need access to a mentor or exemplar who can counsel you and your potential love interest through the coming stage of your possible relationship adventure. This individual can provide assistance that will improve your perspective, and help your coming relationship reach the next level. Look around to see who this cultivated, highly educated, and experienced teacher or counselor is. You may eventually talk to several. The idea is to pick up a high-level clue or hint about the spiritual dimensions and importance of your potential relationship.

The Devil in the "Challenges" Position

Get in touch with your deepest passions and instinct, so they can be channeled to benefit a potential relationship.

The card that lands in the Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

The Devil card in this position challenges you to feel your desire, passion or attraction fully, but to unleash that powerful force only for the greatest good of your forthcoming relationship. Be in touch with your vital force, its passionate energy and urges, but don't lose your head. These powerful and transforming times demand that you learn to handle unpredictable and unimagined experiences with poise. That can't be done if you fall into Judgement, unbridled lust, or any other form of emotional or physical addiction.

If you can participate in this arousing new relationship without completely losing your composure, you may be of great value to the one you care about. You have some powerful energy within you. Let it express, but channel that expression for the good and fulfillment of your mutual relationship goals.

The sense of urgency,

Of being driven,
rushed
pushed

to do things before I’m ready
off-balance
not ‘centered’ or ‘grounded’.

Can’t do any *solid* ‘work’ from that kind of a place.

So: I say, “No,” to those who would have me
move before I’m ready
decide too quickly, for *their* convenience, not mine.

Ridding myself of the FALSE urgency
and allowing my *own* drivers (?) to be – internal?
driven from *within* rather than without.

Hexagram 59: Dispersing

From Tarot.com (bold mine).

Saturday, January 15th, 2011 12:58pm PST

Nothing survives forever, not even rocks, or the most rigid of structures.

The erosion of that which has been solid is not necessarily bad: it can mean that something new is being created.

The image is of ice floes, hardened in winter, dispersing in the warmth of spring; when the ice melts, a mighty river emerges.

Rigidity in the hearts of friends and lovers tends to breed a separateness that can only be thawed by a greater force: typically, some strong stirring of the heart. The thawing of cold hearts always brings good fortune.

The first thing to dissolve is any internal rigidity that separates you from others. Try to work more closely with loved ones, concentrating on common activities that express your integrity and native goodwill. Sudden, strong action in support of a greater good can lift the spirit, and lead toward higher relationship possibilities. Spiritual impulses -- including a strong sense of justice -- should be honored, and acted upon. They can provide the initial impulse to important and constructive change.

And if you should have any lingering romantic involvements which are inactive or not working, you might consider dissolving these as well.

One thing must end in order for another to begin.

I am nearly to the other side of the river.
I have slowly, carefully, gradually made my way across, seeking the ‘right’ stepping stones to help me across.

As I make my way, I am aware that I am leaving something behind – something old, familiar, like a comfortable (if worn out) pair of shoes.

Is it time to leave it behind? To shed it, like the butterfly leaves its chrysalis?

Something new.

Getting out of the *habit* of pain.

I think pain (and anxiety) actually *are* habituating.

That is, one can get *used* to the rush of certain chemicals in the bloodstream, flooding the mind with an array of (unwanted) yet – well, common feelings.

I won’t call it addiction – I read somewhere that there’s no such thing, and I believe it.

I believe in *coping* mechanisms, that we are *insanely* well-adapted creatures, and *everything* we do happens for a *reason*, even if we don’t actually understand it.

That’s why these articles on human behavior, human nature and the underlying psychological and/or basic survival motivations are so fascinating to me: The reasons we *think* we say and do things are quite often in complete opposition to the reasons we’re *actually* doing them.

Feeling a bit like a broken record here, but I think the *genius* of someone like Peter Segal (sp?) on Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me (NPR Sat am) comes from exactly that: A clear-eyed, highly *intelligent* awareness of what’s really going on.

He’s not easily distracted, and he has an absolute laser-like ability to cut through the crap. He’s also a bit of a sexist pig, but I guess I can forgive him since he periodically lampoons *himself*. Which is probably Rule No. 1 in How to Win Friends and Influence People: Be confident, but never arrogant, and *always* self-denigrate just enough to keep people smiling.

Undoing the negative messages from the past.

With slow, steady work, nibbling away, with now and again a little help from some key friends (thanks, ♥ and my far-away friend :-), I’m gradually getting to where I can do this without quite so much emotional (mental?) grunting and straining.

Look ma, no hands!

Well, not quite. Yet.

But I’m getting there! Yay, grasshopper!!!!!!!!

:-)

One thing is, I’m realizing that people actually *like* me. They invite me places; they seek my company.

The hard part has been, when I’ve needed to *talk* about something difficult, something stressful in my life, I’ve found myself reverting to the whining, nagging, clinging ways of my mother.

I *think* I’ve gotten better at this - *not* doing it, I mean.

I try to just come straight out and *say* what I want, or need, or am thinking or feeling.

Not in the crude, tactless, lecture-y way of my father,

nor in the denying, Pollyanna-istic way of my mothe.

(And yes, I *do* realize that they are [and were, in my father’s case] both products of their culture, upbringing, time period in which they were born and raised, etc. So, yeah. But? I can still question, still challenge, still lay to rest outmoded ways of ‘coping’. Yes.)

***
I am still more at ease alone, in the company of my books and plants, quietly enjoying life; or, sometimes, bursting out in a riot of music and dance that frees me from the emotional cage I learned to feel safe in (“every form of refuge is a prison” - ? – a line a friend once quoted, didn’t know if he was talking about me, or him? or just generally being philosophical. Anyway, I think I now know what he means.)

But I’m gradually coming out of my shell, having crashed and burned repeatedly in the past – the sink or swim, ‘throw her in the deep end’ approach of my father, and the neglectful, clueless and unaware approach of my mother, left me feeling like a small child alternately allowed and even *encourage* (in my father’s case) to go play on the freeway. As some self help piece said somewhere, paraphrasing roughly, “like letting a little kid play on an eight-lane freeway.”

So.

I am unfurling, slowly, like the first new leaves of the fern in spring – testing the air, the soil, gradually spreading my roots if the conditions seem propitious.

And if not?

Pulling back in. Waiting. Biding my time; using my energy in other ways til such time as the ‘moment is right’, or the next big wave comes along and I can surf a little furthe along my journey.

Learning to trust?

Or: Recognizing that people are *not* basically malicious.

What people basically *are*:

Stupid;
foolish.
Asleep at the wheel
Not paying attention.

And: Most people have *no clue* why they do what they do, or even that they’re doing it, whatever ‘it’ may be at a given moment.

Like the guy telling me he’d given up smoking, and two minutes later was so stressed that he lit a second cigarette while still waving the first one in his other hand.

The capacity of the human mind for self-delusion is PHENOMENAL.

As Lily Tomlin puts it, “Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it (italics mine, of course.)

In fact, it may be our single most valuable survival skill.

And those of us not naturally gifted with the knack for ‘spin’? Are *doomed* to suffer, out of all proportion to anything we may have ‘done’ to ‘deserve’ our suffering.

In other words? *Don’t* use your ‘intelligence’ – LOSE it. The better part of – what – not valor – sanity, maybe?

Is to not sweat the small stuff.

And it’s all small stuff.

***
All these years of trying to make sense of it, find the ‘rules’ that make this whole tangled mess ‘work’ have been exhausting.

I feel like I ‘know’ more than I used to; am more aware of why and how people do what they do, including myself; and am better able to ‘cope’ with it all, having a sort of tool kit to do the work with.

But it’s still *work*, it doesn’t come naturally to me, much like a second language that is never as comfortable as one’s native tongue.

Which makes me wonder, what *is* my ‘native tongue’?

My *first* answer is: Stories.

Books, movies, myths, fables.

Things that tell how life *ought* to be, instead of simply observing how it actually is.

Maybe that’s why I read and re-read Pratchett (and I’ve thought this before): As an *antidote* to all the BULLSHIT we’re fed from day one.

Reviews of a book called "Hold Me Tight"

From http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/product-reviews/031611300X/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_helpful?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending:

For people who want confirmation that their partner is "too clingy" or "too cold" or whatever, this is not the book for you. Nor is it a "why you should be strong and suck it up" book. It is about our basic needs, our need for at least one other adult human being to be there for us when we need it. It is about why we're wired up to be that way, what kinds of behaviors result from this hard-wiring, how things can go wrong, and how things can be fixed. At the heart of the book is Johnson's vision of us as all needing at least one refuge, one place of safety and support in an otherwise indifferent and cold universe. Unfortunately, for most people, marriage or an equivalent domestic relationship fails to provide this refuge because we keep misunderstanding our partner's needs and impulses - and very often we misunderstand our own too.

Johnson recognizes the futility of trying to change communication patterns or patterns of surface behavior when the fundamentals remain unaddressed. She walks the reader through the stages of self-understanding and then partner-understanding. She uses simplified examples from her own case histories (sometimes rather too glib) to demonstrate behavior patterns and how they can be modified and improved so that both parties can get closer to the heart of the matter

Links - Forer effect (wiki) & "Why It's Hard to Admit to Being Wrong" NPR transcript.

http://skepticwiki.org/index.php/Forer_Effect

The Forer Effect, named after the psychologist and discoverer B. R. Forer, refers to the tendency of people to believe that a vague and general description applies specifically to them. It has been suggested that much of the apparent effectiveness (and popularity) of pseudoscience personality metrics such as astrology [grasshopper smiles to self :-) ]
[...]
The most common explanation for the Forer effect is a combination of wishful thinking and the mental equivalent of pareidolia, the tendency to see patterns in things.

In particular, humans tend to see vague statements as true, by self-deception : remembering cases and circumstances where they were true and forgetting other circumstances.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=12125926

The engine that drives self-justification, the energy that produces the need to justify our actions and decisions — especially the wrong ones — is an unpleasant feeling that Festinger called "cognitive dissonance."

Cognitive dissonance is a state of tension that occurs whenever a person holds two cognitions (ideas, attitudes, beliefs, opinions) that are psychologically inconsistent, such as "Smoking is a dumb thing to do because it could kill me" and "I smoke two packs a day."

Dissonance produces mental discomfort, ranging from minor pangs to deep anguish; people don't rest easy until they find a way to reduce it. In this example, the most direct way for a smoker to reduce dissonance is by quitting. But if she has tried to quit and failed, now she must reduce dissonance by convincing herself that smoking isn't really so harmful, or that smoking is worth the risk because it helps her relax or prevents her from gaining weight (and after all, obesity is a health risk, too), and so on. Most smokers manage to reduce dissonance in many such ingenious, if self-deluding, ways.

Dissonance is disquieting because to hold two ideas that contradict each other is to flirt with absurdity and, as Albert Camus observed, we humans are creatures who spend our lives trying to convince ourselves that our existence is not absurd. At the heart of it, Festinger's theory is about how people strive to make sense out of contradictory ideas and lead lives that are, at least in their own minds, consistent and meaningful.

Setting the butterfly free :-)

From Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. (bolds mine).

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2010/will-i-ever-be-good-enough-healing-the-daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers/:

The daughters of narcissistic mothers have been raised by primary role models who lack the fundamentals of mothering.

Conditioned to care for their mothers rather than the reverse, these women suppress their identities at their own peril.

[...]“A narcissistic mother sees her daughter, more than her son, as a reflection and extension of herself rather than as a separate person with her own identity.”
[...]
Maternal narcissism and its attendant envy derail any genuine mother-daughter bond and short-circuit a daughter’s ability to become an independent, confident woman.

Not only is much expected of these daughters, but their attempts to meet those exectations go unrewarded at best and are punished at worst.

McBride also connects maternal and societal narcissism. “In some middle- and upper-middle-class families, it was customary for a girl to receive a car for her sixteenth birthday. Now, in many circles, the coming-of-age gift is a breast implant.” When combined with society’s glorification of motherhood, such emphasis on appearance further fuels the pain caused by this disorder, turning daughters into objects.

I was particularly struck by her observation of bumper stickers that extol achievement alone. She asks, “Where are the bumper stickers that say ‘My kid has a big heart,’ ‘My kid is honest,’ ‘My kid is kind’?”

Growing up with a narcissistic mother makes women high-achievers or self-sabotagers, though McBride points out that all such daughters sabotage themselves.

The motivations of these two types are not mutually exclusive but stem from a common denominator: “Both have internalized the message that they are valued for what they do, rather than for who they are.” In this way, learned responses, such as dependent and codependent behaviors, can swap places or act in combination with each other.

This flexibility forms an important backbone to the book. McBride illustrates the many ways in which damage from maternal narcissism can manifest and can change to fit different circumstances.

She makes sense of behaviors that often seem crazy-making and contradictory, tracing them to a daughter’s underlying belief system that

love means “pleasing another with no return for herself.”

The parental hierarchy and boundaries one finds in a healthy family are missing in a family where everyone revolves around a narcissistic mother. Furthermore, that dynamic is kept secret because how something looks is treated as more important than how it feels. Daughters raised in an environment lacking unconditional love, empathy, and security seek to fill that void however they can.

[...]she emphasizes that the mother’s diminished parenting ability did not occur in a vacuum.

“[O]ur mothers weren’t born this way. They most likely faced insurmountable barriers to love and empathy when they were children.” Moving forward in recovery depends on accepting the mother’s limitations and grieving the love she could not give. This forms a crucial step, not least because the daughters of narcissistic mothers blame themselves for the love they did not receive.

These daughters must separate themselves from the mothers with whom they’d been entangled. They must learn to set the boundaries denied them in childhood. They must, in fact, learn to mother themselves, building their strength and self-confidence from the inside.

Often called “the sensitive one,” the daughters of narcissistic mothers are more prone to what McBride calls “the collapse,” reliving childhood wounds cued by external situations.

By using an “internal mother” who replaces negative messages with positive ones, daughters can learn to draw on their own best instincts to give themselves the validation they’d grown up craving.

They can then draw on this inner strength when dealing with their mothers, their partners, and their children. [...]daughters discover their own wants and needs[...]

Speaking my truth

Speaking these truths about my mother feels really scary.

What if she ‘catches’ me? What if she finds out?

She views this as the ultimate betrayal – she’s not *capable* of ‘hearing’ me on this stuff – she *only* ‘hears’ her own needs.

She sees this as ‘bad-mouthing’ her. She even accuse me of intentionally trying to make her feel bad.

There is *never* any apology on her part, never any taking of responsibility for how I feel.

There is never *any* recognition, on her part, that I *need* something from her, as her child, as her daughter.

She completely fails to see that she, as my mother, is *supposed* to take care of me in these ways – I’m not some kind of ‘freak’ for wanting to be taken care of.

Actually, she’s *finally* begun to see, a little.

But still, she waits, in silence, and says nothing.

The person who says nothing often has the power, because it suggests that they *need* nothing, and so those of us who *do* need something? Rush in to fill the void, the vacuum, that empty space that sucks at you with its need for filling, for *some* kind of communication to recognize that, “Hey, there’s a fucking relationship here, you asshole, pay it some *fucking* attention for fuck’s sake!”

Fragments to help with detaching her from me

(bolds mine, typically.)
From http://ask.metafilter.com/132062/How-do-I-cope-with-my-grieving-Mom:

You are not shirking your duties as a daughter. You are not failing to show gratitude and love to the woman who cared for you when you were a helpless infant cyring at 3am. You are the adult daughter of an adult woman, and both of you have suffered a tremendous loss. You acknowledge your mother's grief, you don't seem impatient with her for grieving but rather frustrated with her for putting pressure on you to support her in her grief without seeing that you have your own grief and your own life to deal with as well. You don't need to feel guilty about taking care of yourself.

From http://www.angriesout.com/grown17.htm:

The child who was not allowed to have boundaries becomes energetically and developmentally arrested at this level with beliefs of not being safe in the world and being unworthy and unlovable. Thus the Shadow is born with the defenses and negative core beliefs becoming set in the child's repertoire. The child carries this primitive, self-defense core of fear even into adulthood. This is called the “Core Script” or Core Identity, which is like a big lens of perception by which the world is viewed. The defenses remain lurking in the unconscious mind ready to be called into action at any resemblance of threat.

From http://www.psychpage.com/family/library/dysfunctional.htm:

This first relationship you have in this world is with your parents. That relationship is supposed to focus more on your needs than on your parents' needs. Sometimes this isn't so.

Parents have children for many reasons, or may explain accidental parenthood to themselves in a number of ways.

They may expect to be loved unconditionally (the "greatest gift of all, the love of a child"), to feel superior ("See that trash can? That's where I found you and I can put you right back"), to "hold on" to a partner ("You don't think your son needs a father?"), or to explain their problems ("You're just like your father, lying whenever it serves you and just no good"). Parents may place their needs on the child, and expect the child to sacrifice his needs (i.e., to be silly, needy, and scared) to meet the parent's needs and soothe the parents' anxiety. Even a dysfunctional parent who denies can still be modeling very dysfunctional relationships for their children.

From http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/topics/relationships/dysfunc.html:

Allow Yourself to Feel Angry About What Happened.
Forgiveness is a very reasonable last step in recovery, but it is a horrible first step. Children need to believe in and trust their parents; therefore, when parents behave badly, children tend to blame themselves and feel responsible for their parents' mistakes. These faulty conclusions are carried into adulthood, often leaving guilt, shame, and low self-esteem. When you begin with trying to forgive your parents you will likely continue to feel very badly about yourself.

Placing the responsibility for what happened during your childhood where it belongs, i.e., with the responsible adults, [?? grasshopper aside! & ironic italics] allows you to feel less guilt and shame and more nurturance and acceptance toward yourself.

It is usually helpful to find productive ways to vent your anger. This can be done in support groups or with good friends. Try writing a letter to one or both of your parents and then burning the letter. You may want to talk with your parents directly about what happened.

If you decide to do this it is important to keep your goal clear. Do you want to encourage change and work for a better relationship, or are you trying to get even or hurt them back? Pursuing revenge frequently results in more guilt and shame in the long run. Holding on to anger and resentment indefinitely is also problematic and self-defeating. Focusing on old resentments can prevent growth and change.

From http://family.jrank.org/pages/172/Boundary-Dissolution-Dimensions-Boundary-Dissolution.html

Role-reversal. Role-reversal, also termed parentification, refers to a dynamic in which parents turn to children for emotional support. Although learning to be responsive and empathic to others' needs is a healthy part of child development, parentification involves an exploitative relationship in which the parents' expectations exceed the child's capacities, the parent ignores the child's developmental needs, or the parent expects nurturance but does not give it reciprocally. A parent engaged in role-reversal may be ostensibly warm and solicitous to the child, but the relationship is not a truly supportive one because the parents' emotional needs are being met at the expense of the child's. Further, children are often unable to meet these developmentally inappropriate expectations, which may lead to frustration, disappointment, and even anger. In fact, parents' inappropriate expectations for children, such that they provide nurturing to their parents, are a key predictor of child maltreatment.
[...]
Research shows that, over the course of childhood, young children who fulfill their parents' need for intimacy have difficulty regulating their behavior and emotions and demonstrate a pseudomature, emotionally constricted interpersonal style. In the longer term, childhood role reversal is associated with difficulties in young adults' ability to individuate from their families and adjust to college.

Parent-child role reversal also is associated with depression, low-self esteem, anxiety, and eating disorders in young women. Due to cultural expectations that associate caregiving with the feminine role, daughters may be particularly vulnerable to being pulled into the role of "mother's little helper".

Consistent with family systems theory, boundary violations also are more likely to occur when the marital relationship is an unhappy one and the parent turns to the child for fulfillment of unmet emotional needs.

From http://forum.outofthefog.net/topic/7414992/1/:

My mother is an engulfing mother when she has needs, and an ignoring one when I have needs or when she doesn't have any use for me.

My mom functioned mostly on the ignoring end of the spectrum, with occasional attemtps at engulfment where she would then get really enraged that I was NOT the daughter she wanted me to be and go back to ignoring me. I tick off most of those effects if I'm honest with myself.

My mom's ignoring extended to being very annoyed if any of my stuff was not in my own room (shoes, anything), if I made much conversation or sometimes just sounds of any kind she could hear, if there were school events that needed attending, notes that needed signing, all these things annoyed her greatly. and if I was ill, boy, did that piss her off. the rule was we had to stay strictly in our rooms except for trips to the bathroom, and she rarely wanted to get me medical attention, even when I needed it. and she'd cut off all direct contact for periods of time, both while I was in the same house and later when I left home.

more and more I realise it is not her I miss since she died, but I mourn the idea of a mother that I never had and recognise it will never happen.

From http://ask.metafilter.com/132062/How-do-I-cope-with-my-grieving-Mom (again):

I'm not saying she isn't grieving. I'm not saying she doesn't love you. But to use you in this way is just not right. Maybe in a primitive culture ie a culture without therapists / grief specialists / support groups et all, and maybe if you weren't also caught in this thing deeply, and maybe if you weren't in a very busy life... Maybe. But it's emotional blackmail, even if all those were not the case.

All of this shaming you in this thread because you're not up there holding her hand and wiping her nose as she sobs -- it's total bullshit. You can take turns holding one anothers hand and wiping one anothers nose as you sob, whatever. But that's not what's happening.

If you are to have a relationship with your mother it's got to be on equal footing. She's going to have to come to you as adult. I'm not saying that she won't be hurting, and hurting bad. But you cannot allow her to use you as she is.
[...]
I have a buddy used to be a life-guard in southern California. One thing that was drilled into him from day one is that he's got to take care of himself. If he doesn't use methods to prevent them from clawing on him, they'll both drown; it's almost like a type of judo, you get close to them and spin them around so they cannot drag you down and then you haul their ass back in. If you have to, you debilitate them to quit them from clawing at you so's you can get a handle on them.

But the fact is that you're not a life-guard. You're hurting too. You need a friend, an understanding friend, a friend who knows, and friend who can be there for you, too. Your mother isn't that friend now, and until she decides to do what she needs to do to become that friend -- and you've offered her some scenarios -- until she decides to become responsible for her grief, you're going to have to boundary her off some.

Grief is almost unimaginable. I've only married once, I was an ass, and when she took off -- and only when she took off -- did I see what an ass I'd been. And I loved her. Loved her. Agony. My sibs and parents were astonished, and so was I -- I'd been bitching about her from the start -- it took me years to go through it, it changed me in upwards of seventeen thousand ways, it ate through my cool, pounded at me in ways I didn't know were possible. The hardest piece in my life, and I've since lost many people I love; I guess much of what I learned in that period of grief over my little ex-wife transferred to other pieces, in fact I know that it did. Your mother is in that piece now. So -- compassion, for sure. But you can't save her.

From http://forum.outofthefog.net/topic/7404904/1/

It is impossible to have a constructive dialog with [such a] person, as you could with a more "normal" person because [this] person will never admit fault and they will not even meet you halfway in any disagreement or dispute. Hence nothing ever gets resolved.

Three of Coins - Blossoming :-)

Three of Coins in the "Situation" Position

You are provided with circumstances that encourage both the brilliance and the necessary support that will enable you to manifest your vision.

The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.

When the Three of Coins is in this position, you are in an environment that encourages you to blossom and to foster your talents in the material world, securing security and acknowledgment. This includes manifesting the support from other people you may need to realize your vision.

Listen carefully to what the universe is communicating to you. It does not matter whether you are playing the leadership role or are in a supportive position this time around. This card indicates that when your turn comes, the tools and sustenance you need to attain success will be there.

From Tarot.com.