the guilt, the guilt

It feels like when the extortionist tells you how much trouble you're going to get in if you rat on him - the expectation of silence is total. The crazy-making thing is that you're painted as somehow being cruel to them if you complain! How fucked up is that??? It's like they not only expect you to put up with their shit, in addition they simultaneously expect you to validate their sense of themselves as a good guy in spite of the fact that they're being complete assholes. We're expected to be complicit in our own abuse. No wonder my head hurts.

"Don't tell." When complaining is seen as a greater crime than the behavior that caused the complaint??? One child bullies another; the bullied child complains, and is accused (by parents and bully alike) of being a 'tattle-tale', a whiner, 'playing the victim'. Reminds me of being hassled by a neighbor and complaining about it to a third neighbor, and his response being, "Well, he had to take it out on somebody." As if this is the obvious and only answer. Which I guess it must be for people who believe in might makes right.

But as one who's never had the might, I of course don't believe in it! How could I? Does anybody honestly believe that they deserve to be dominated, except as a coping mechanism in a world where they have no choice but to submit if they don't want to get hurt or possibly even killed?

Maybe it's because I've never experienced physical violence, I don't take the so-called 'dominators' seriously - I see their bullshit and call them on it. But that doesn't stop them from trying their controlling, domineering, manipulative tactics at every turn: Intimidation, humiliation, degradation, taunting, teasing, mocking.

We're expected to just put up with it, those of us who don't engage in those behaviors ourselves.

So as I'm trying to give myself permission to feel what I feel, which is that being dominated sucks, and I hate it, and I won't fucking let anybody do that shit to me, or to anybody I care about, there's this constant internal battle, dialog, fugue state where I'm continually arguing with myself.

"That's abusive."
"No it's not."
"Yes it is."
"Everybody does it. It's normal, natural. It's a jungle out there."
"Bullshit - life is what we make it."
"Cut the fucking new age crap - life is unfair. Get over it."
"No. The kind of unfairness you're talking about is totally preventable - it's a fucking choice. Choosing to hurt someone or treat them unfairly is not the same as a fucking hurricane or earthquake - are you saying you have no control over your own behavior???"
"I'm only doing what's best for them - it makes them stronger to have to deal with a little hardship."
"Oh yeah (sarcastically), right - making people feel like shit about themselves is good for them? Like, There's only a little bit of arsenic in this cookie, it won't kill you - just eat it. Jesus H. Christ."
"You're such a wimp - you're just too sensitive. Most people don't feel like that."
(Next time somebody says this to me I'll say, No, you're wrong - lots of people feel that way. You just never encounter them because they avoid you like the fucking plague. Nobody likes being treated like shit.)
"It hurts people to be treated like that. It's fucking cruel. What are you, some kind of sadist?"
"Sticks and stones. It's good to toughen 'em up, helps prepare them for the real world."
"Oh yeah? Well, that didn't work for me - it just made me think all men are assholes."
"Men are assholes. So what? Get over it. That's just the way the world is. You can't change it, so just accept it."
"That's from you, one of those self-same assholes. Why the fuck should I put up with that shit?"
He shrugs. Walks away.

What can I do? I'm powerless to change them, change the way they think.

I can't change the fucking relationship short of leaving it.

"Do what I say, or else." Sometimes the 'or else' isn't actually spoken aloud - it's the mere threat of violence, of cruelty, of further punishment and humiliation that extracts compliance.

I know this is all totally obvious; but you know what? Every single day I have to go through this exercise to remind myself that I grew up in an environment where I was expected to put up with this kind of shit all the time and say nothing, do nothing. I was not allowed to cry; I was not allowed to get angry. I was not allowed to protect myself - I was supposed to just put up with it. "Just don't let it bother you."

"Here, have another helping of shit, it's yummy!"
"Why aren't you eating any, then?"

When one of them gets their comeuppance, especially from a totally unexpected place, like the 98-pound weakling, it is just so choice, so sweet.

Middle brother once had a cat that he liked to mess with. One time he picked the cat up by its hind legs and was swinging it back and forth between his own legs, kind of like you might with a very small child. But for a cat this is extremely uncomfortable, if not painful, and scary and threatening as shit. So after a few swings, the cat had had enough and latched all his foreclaws into middle brother's ass...God, what a priceless moment.

Yes, if you must know, I've had lots of revenge fantasies. I think this is a normal and healthy coping mechanism for people who've gotten more than their share of the short end of the stick.

Reminds me of something I read about how small kittens are socialized by being part of a litter, and that kittens who are removed from their litters too young often become biters and scratchers. The article said something to the effect that kittens learn about the effects of their behavior when the other kittens retaliate by clawing or scratching them back. So there's a learned inhibition (in the proper environment) against mistreating others because if you do you'll get whacked right back.

The fact is, they are bigger than you are, stronger, meaner, crueler. More insensitive; more immune to pain. So even if they never actually hit you, the threat is always there. Your perception of threat is not false; it's just that they can't see it because they're never on the receiving end.