no such thing as self-empowerment

This term 'empowerment' has always bugged me - it smells like bullshit.

Let's start from the beginning: If power is the ability to influence other people to do something you want, then feeling dis-empowered is the sense that you are unable to persuade, or possibly coerce? people to do what you want.

There have been times in my life when people have reacted to me as if I was incredibly powerful, and I'm not sure why; my recollection is that I was just so angry about something that the usual things that held me back no longer worked, and I was just letting my anger flow freely and powerfully.

But I was never physically violent; I never threatened anyone in any way. And yet I had someone run away from me and hide behind a door as if he thought I would attack him, even though I'd never once struck him in the five years we'd been together. I'm not a violent person, not given to breaking things or throwing pots and pans or dishes or what have you.

Needless to say, I was shocked at his reaction, and have never understood. Yet there have been other times when I was in a hurry or distracted or just really, really busy where someone has turned and seen me coming and practically leaped out of the way, as if I were this big powerful bulldozer or something. Which is really shocking to experience when you're used to seeing yourself as this normal-sized, ordinary, average person who's not doing anything out of the ordinary - just going through your busy day trying to get lots of things done. (Aside: It's amazing to me how often people will take your inattention to them as a personal affront - as if the fact that you're paying attention to your task rather than to them is meant to be a challenge or something. So instead of helping you by holding open a door or getting out of your way, some of them seem to take pride in actually hindering you, actually tripping you up so that you can't go wherever you were going, do whatever you were doing. Passive-aggressiveness at its finest.)

And yes I realize I've just argued/articulated both sides of the same coin there. Guess that's the way it is, being human: The constant double standard of do what I say, not what I do. Hard to break that one, but I'm trying.

Ok, back to the original topic.

So, I know I can be powerful, but the times that people have most strongly and obviously reacted to me 'being powerful' seem to have been at times when I was totally unconscious of having any particular power to wield.

And yet, conversely, the times at which I've most needed that power, I've often felt myself having to resort to working up some kind of grievance, focusing on what it is I'm angry or resentful about, and letting that feeling give me the power to overcome my fears and insecurities of being taken advantage of or otherwise not getting what I need.

It's something to do with deserving, as in, Do I deserve to be treated a particular way, do I deserve to get that need met?

Where does the idea of what we deserve or don't deserve come from? I would say, as expected, probably from the parents, at least initially. Reinforced by the culture and gender and class expectations.

So if I feel clearly entitled to something, or if I have no insecurities about going after a particular thing, then my power is not blocked.

But if something falls into one of the many categories in which I have been intentionally disempowered by others (see the post on having wings clipped by parents, for example), I have a hell of a time feeling that I deserve anything whatsoever.

So then what? What does this empowerment thing mean in this context?

I contend, once again, that any 'problem' that has its roots in a relational power imbalance must be resolved via a relationship that repairs said imbalance.

Once again, it's experiential: Feeling like nothing and nobody comes from how others treat you; in order to repair this negative self-view, someone must come along who sees how cool you are, and who treats you that way, in public, for all to see.