my heart hurts

Literally. I feel pain all around my heart today - I think it was the kindness of my neighbor yesterday, and the desperate seeking of my system (me?) to find someone who will give me more of this kindness.

Because, you see, what I need, the way a plant needs water, is to be held. Plain and simply. Nothing more, nothing less. The person doesn't really need to do anything, in particular, except just be there, without asking for anything in return.

And that's the dilemma, isn't it? As adults, we aren't allowed to ask for this kind of relationship. We can pay for someone (like a shrink, a doctor, or maybe a massage therapist) to pretend to care for an hour or so (at usurious rates); and if we're lucky, maybe we'll have some affinity for that person (or they'll have an affinity for us) that allows us to experience some kind of connection, at least temporarily.

But the problem is, it doesn't meet the basic human need to belong, to fit in, to find somewhere where you are accepted, loved, and wanted unconditionallly. Not for what you do, not for what kinds of hurdles you are able to leap to prove your worth, but because whoever it is simply values you for who you are.

In my lifetime I have found so few people who fit into this category (and I'm sure it's true for everyone?)

When you lose one of these people from your life, the pain can be so immense as to make you almost stop breathing. I think in some cases it can literally make your heart stop. Like those stories you hear about someone's husband dying and then dying herself shortly thereafter, from heartbreak.

We don't seem to believe in that, anymore, in this 'modern' world - that people can be that important in our lives. We seem to be expected to replace people the same way we replace shoes, or cars, or whatever - a disposable mindset, attaching no more value to humans than we do to things. The consumer way of thinking.

Anyway. I think that's what's happening today: The kindness of my neighbor reminded me how hungry I am for that kind of kindness, the kind that doesn't seem to ask anything in return, or expect anything. The kind that doesn't seem to be temporary cessation of hostilities (as with my family's accusations of me being 'too sensitive'), but rather a true generosity of spirit.

Maybe I'm making much ado about nothing. But the feelings yesterday seemed to stir up the old mud around my heart, sending little spiky shards of old pain re-circulating. Things I thought I'd laid to rest long ago apparently still have the power to poke holes in that leaky old pumper of mine.