parents who clip their childrens' wings

What do you do when they leave you no place to stand? A father who's so worried that you'll get a 'big head' that he

Makes a point of you not going to a private school, even though you've skipped first grade because you're reading at 4th or 5th grade level;

Pays for half your college costs (which I'm fine with the 'half' part - he could afford what he could afford) based on your grades, even though you were a fucking 4.0 student in high school and a National Merit Scholar, one of the top two in your entire school. Could he slap you a little harder, please, with that total insult for all the years you did well???? Like, Dad, I already GOT a 4.0 and was a National Merit finalist. What the fuck more do you want from me? Are you even fucking paying attention? Oh, so the good grades I already got count for nothing. You're going to treat me like I'm some ne'er-do-well, lazy-ass good-for-nothing just because I'm smarter than you and didn't have to work so hard. Fuck you, asshole. I thought parents were supposed to want their children to do better than they did.

Refuses to praise you for anything, ever. And if you do something 'too well', whatever the fuck that means, you're shamed and mocked for being too careful, too picky. 'Quick and dirty' was always his motto, no matter what the task - 'don't fuss' he'd say. The day I took home all the window hardware to strip off the peeling paint from 'my' room in the rental house we were fixing up; rather than praise the shiny brand-new-ness of the newly cleaned hardware, he complained about how I'd made all the other rooms look bad, and now he'd have to strip the hardware in them too.

Some people would say that it was just a joke, I shouldn't take it so seriously; after all, of course my father loved me. The fact that he never actually said so, or showed it by any actions or words of encouragement, appreciation or gratitude just made it feel like I was always a fuck up. It got to the point where I told them nothing, asked no questions, asked for no help, told them no stories.

And they never noticed. They never cared. They could never be bothered to ask; didn't go to my sports events (I was the musician, not the athlete, so my sports didn't matter).

It's as if my entire childhood was SILENT. Like it never happened; like I imagined it. There were no witnesses, nobody with whom I shared my experiences. When I was at home I lived in books, silently, like my father; my mother was alternately this childlike, needy, loud presence, grabbing all the available attention, or a ghost who slipped silently through rooms, afraid to be asked to engage in anything difficult. She kept her head down, focused on her tasks, unless there was a chance for her to be at the center of attention. Like a small child.

I felt consistently punished for doing things well. Like when I practiced my butt off so I wouldn't lose my fourth chair second violin seat in the big local youth symphony (22 second violins, aaagggghhhh! I dreaded being at the back) when I was a junior in high school, and ended up being first chair. The guy who'd been in the first chair had been so nonchalant that he'd made no effort, and was really angry with me for booting him out (in retrospect I'm sure he was angry with himself, but it sure didn't seem that way at the time.) I was terrified to be put in that spot, and had really had nothing in mind but not losing the spot I already had. I'd had no mind to move ahead - I'd assumed that all the other kids would practice just as hard because they wouldn't want to lose their seats. Silly me...

And then there were all the kids in high school who I didn't even know who'd ask me in the hallway what grades I got. I could never figure out how they knew anything about my grades - I didn't know anything about theirs, for fuck's sake, who cares? They're just grades. But it got to the point where I stopped answering the question because it quickly became clear they just wanted to hassle me. I felt like I couldn't win for losing. What, do you want me to lie? Or maybe purposely, somehow, get bad grades so you'll feel better about yourself?

People talk about this bullshit 'fear of success'. What the fuck does that even mean, anyway? Yeah, I became afraid of success - not only were you suddenly expected to perform at a much higher level than you ever intended, all the time, but you also suddenly had a pack of hyenas after you constantly trying to bring you down. Gee, I wonder why somebody'd shy away from doing too well, or letting anybody know about it if you did...

When you grow up feeling like you're this blade of grass that accidentally grew too tall, and everybody else has a weed-whacker and they're constantly trying to cut you down...after a while, you stop growing, stop trying. The effort isn't worth it any more, the cost is too high. You just keep your head down and try not to attract any attention, because it's almost always negative...