men and the need for power

freeing men from their crippling relationship with power and domination?

[I keep trying different 'titles' for this, possibly as a means to determine what exactly it is I'm doing and/or trying to do with ♥ ?]

Links:

Quotations of Anarchy, Heresy and Unconventional Thought:
http://www.mentalanarchy.com/quotes.html

Unshackling the mental chains (of Christianity):
http://new.exchristian.net/2010/11/unshackling-mental-chains.html

A man's biggest fear (that he won't admit):
http://www.jaysongaddis.com/2010/02/a-mans-biggest-fear/

The secret men won't admit

***
I'm watching the Golden Compass, second time in the last few days.

♥ recommended it, or so I thought - he asked me to watch TheSecret and (I *thought*) the Golden Compass, though it turned out I'd automatically translated "The Compass" into a title I was more familiar with.

Anyway, it turned out he *does* like The Golden Compass as well. We talked about it a bit, and I asked him why he liked it.

His understanding is that Asriel, one of the ‘heroes’ in the story, was standing up to the Magisterium, which he understood to represent The Establishment, or, in his words, “the government.”

I had googled around a bit the day before after watching GC the first time, based on some nigglings in the back of my brain about Azrael. What I’d come up with was that GC is a metaphor for the ongoing battle of free-thinkers against the church (in this case, the Catholic Church is represented by the Magisterium, according to one source I read.)

I told him that, and said, isn’t Azrael another name for the Angel of Death? He said, yes, not in the Bible, but in other – places.

The interesting thing about talking about this stuff with a guy who, except for the power of our physical time and the connection we had with other, I wouldn’t be speaking to at all. Because, on the *surface* we have not the smallest shred of common ground.

But – when I pointed out to him that he’s ‘not like that’, meaning, not like the description of ‘man as head’ and ‘powerful, dominating male’ and all that, he said, “You mean, I’m not very good at being a man.”

I was shocked. I quickly said, “No! I *like* you the way you are. You are kind, and generous, gentle, respectful. You are thoughtful and considerate, and careful in what you say and do.”

He sort of brushed that off, almost impatiently.

So today I’m watching the movie again, and trying to understand what it is, or why? so many men seem ‘cut off’ from themselves in this way. They hammer on themselves to be something they’re not, and suffer immensely for it. Lonely, isolated, afraid of their feelings, claiming to be ‘rational’ and ‘superior’, and yet? They’re like little boys trapped in their grown-up bodies.

More than once I’ve been drawn to a man like this – who seems so wounded and hurt, and yet, seems not to *know* how much pain he carries. Or, he knows it, but he won’t let me *help* him. Because he’s trapped, maybe? in this mindset where *he* must do it all, *he* must be ‘self sufficient.’

And if I ‘help’ in the time-honored, silent, unacknowledged ways that so many women are trained to do? I find my*self* becoming angry and resentful, that *I* am expected to ask for nothing, want nothing, *need* nothing, not even recognition at what a powerful healing I have worked for this person. Because, being a woman, that’s supposed to be reward enough in itself: To see the fruits of my labor. To be happy that the flower blooms.

Well, guess what? I don’t know about other women, but I sure as HELL don’t want to be the invisible ‘mother’ in the story. ‘Witch*’ I could maybe handle, because at least *there* there’s an acknowledgement of my power, a recognition that I’ve *done* something that *they* couldn’t do alone.

*’Witch’ in this context refers to Terry Pratchett’s witches, who do much of their work using only the magic of what he calls ‘headology’, which is a sufficiently in-depth understanding of the inner workings of the human psyche that, by applying a little ‘leverage’ in the right place at the right time, and, of course, ‘at the opportune moment,’ a *real* witch appears to ‘work magic’ by doing things others can’t, or don’t know how to, do.

This allows the recipient of said ‘magic’ to continue to believe in his *own* strength and powers, and not have his ‘pride’ (?) damaged by *needing* anything, Goddess forbid.

***
His words are so *completely* at odds with his actions. It’s like he’s got this absolutely *mad*, insane set of ‘rules’ in his head, that keep him from *seeing* who he actually *is*, what he *actually* believes. It’s like – a kind of brainwashing, only somebody’s got him trained to poison him*self*, every single day.

And yet, he drinks. He starts drinking sometime in the afternoon, maybe around 1? Or 3? or 5? depending on what time he gets ‘off’ for the day from his work or whatever. I notice that when we talk and I touch on something that gets too close to his

In a way he's like a child – uninformed, yet full of fierce and strongly-formed ideas and opinions.

I think his latest ‘revelation’, about 10 years ago, or so, he says? came from a time when he was struggling to ‘come into his own’ while married to a woman who – wouldn’t follow his dictates?

I think he’s struggling with the whole ‘man’ thing, but in *his* case religion has tangled it up for him even further – someone he trusted (and continues to trust?) put him along this path, and he hasn’t seen the conflicts, the inherent ways in which he’s tangled up with his own ‘beliefs’.

***
I remain convinced that he’s not ‘stupid’ – more just, sort of, ignorant? and maybe, a bit brain-washed, in the way that people from certain kinds of backgrounds sometimes seem to become?

His mind seems to work just fine, if a bit slowly sometimes, as long as it’s not running in the ‘Christianity’ groove he seems to have carved for himself.

I think what I love – like? about him best is his – fierceness? his tenacity. His *strength*, which is partly physical, but also – I don’t know. It’s a sort of solidity, a firmness, something I can really *push* against, and, while he *does* give way and is flexible? he doesn’t sort of go all ‘mushy’ like men I’ve been with in the past.

It’s kind of a mental thing. I don’t know how to describe it. He’s very fierce in his

I guess I *like* that he actually *believes* in *some*thing. So many men seem to have *no* - mental grounding? principles? beliefs? whatso*ever*. They’re like little game pieces that slide around on the board to – shifting with the wind, blowing this way and that. Unpredictable, no telling *which* way they’ll go in a pinch, under pressure.

***
Somebody referred to Progressives as ‘pigs in lipstick.’

I’ve come to feel this way about so-called ‘progressive’ men – they’re just like the Promise Keepers, but they’re stealthy about it instead of being open. They like to *think* of themselves as fair, open-minded, etc., but when it comes down to it? Most of them, really, are *not*. They *still* want a woman who will ‘walk one pace behind and to the left.’ They want to have their cake and eat it too – to be *perceived* as ‘good guys’, while still basically being assholes.

The thing about ♥ ? He’s *not* an asshole. Though I’m quite sure he has the capacity to be ... sad face.

Why is that so many men seem to need something like ‘the fear of god’ to get them to act like decent human beings???

***
It’s a sort of madness, really – this *insistence* by people who really have no business being ‘in charge’ that they *must* be in charge. People who couldn’t – mentally speaking – hit the ‘broad side of a barn’.

I know it sounds cruel – but perhaps what he needs is a firm, gentle but loving hand to guide him? Perhaps his mother saw this long ago,when he was a child? and sort of ’implanted’ the biblical teachings as a sort of – wind-up morality? That would keep him from going to far astray.

Unfortunately it’s likely to cause the machine to come completely unglued at some point – or to just make this one man unnecessarily unhappy? Or not. He doesn’t *seem* miserable, just lonely. But he’s very open about it – doesn’t make any pretense that he’s anything other than what he seems. He’s just got bitten by the ‘positive thinking’ bug at a time when he really needed *some*thing to help pull him out of the morass. Which morass he may have more or less been ‘pushed’ into by the shaming of religious thinking? More noodling is necessary on this, methinks :-)

***
All right, I realize that ‘firm hand’ thing comes across as – condescending? Perhaps he just needs to be with someone who’s as sure of herself as he is, yet also – flexible? Who accepts him as he is, without trying to change him, remaining open to his ideas, and encouraging him, but still remaining *her*self?

Sounds like I'm prescribing a mother.