The sticking point, aka: Guilt

Second chakra.

This blob around my midsection, that I pat, and talk to, and wonder if it's a - something? That needs to be re-born? Or what. And not knowing, just - not knowing.

But the dream last night, and him ♥, and a movie I just watched - well, it all stirs together in my subconscious and

SETS ME FREE!

Yay! Finally!

***
You see, I think it all started with my mother.

I always thought there was something going on with her, something she was sad about, something she felt bad about. Or, maybe, *many* things?

I always felt I was supposed to take care of her, protect her.

It almost felt like my dad *charged* me with this duty, in some way - so that he wouldn't have to do all of it alone? Possibly. Because she needed a *lot* of protecting, at least in the beginning. Very fragile.

But *I*, because smart, maybe? Was seen as tough and strong, or, at least, as having no *excuse* for *not* being tough and strong. Because I was smart, see? So I was *obligated* to use this 'gift' for the well-being? or something - of the people around me.

Sigh. Argh.

***
For the millionth time I will say: The healing is EXPERIENTIAL.

Meaning, that we learn, or *heal*, from having a - counteractive? experience. One that 'overwrites' the previous experience, strongly enough to leave its own imprint in place of the old one.

***
So he held me. And didn't let go.

And even when he had to go? It didn't *feel* like a rejection - it felt like, "Now I have to move on, but I'm still thinking of you."

It's like, he's connected but he doesn't know it. His excitement, his enthusiasm every time at seeing me again, even if we'd been only a few hours apart.

And it *isn't* about sex. Because the last time he just wanted to sit, and talk, and touch, and enjoy each others' company.

***
And yet:

I have to eat. Every day.

And now that I know what it *feels* like, to *feel* full, to *feel* satiated, happy, brimming over with joy -

I need more. Because, like food? It burns off. The tank empties, and you have to fill it up again.

And though our phone conversation was lovely yesterday, it's not enough.

I NEED the physical, tangible presence of that other person. I can't survive on an IDEA. I am flesh and blood; so is he.

he said something about 'metaphysical' yesterday, and I said, "Well, sort of - no, not really. It's more of an actual, tangible, physical thing. It's a thing between two (or more) people. An *actual* thing, a *real* thing."

It's not metaphysical at all - that's what it *becomes* when people can't *get* the real, tangible, actual thing.

But God (forgive me, my ♥ ) and all other 'representations' are just that: Substitutes. Junk food for the soul.