synchronicity

He said, "Maybe you just needed your alternator replaced."

And I said, "Maybe, but I *got* a whole heck of a lot *more* than that :-)"

Silence on his end. I pictured him smiling, surprised and pleased.

Why is he so sure he has so little to offer?

***
It *did* seem sort of funny, that it was my *alternator* that he replaced, and at the same time *he*, himself, had such a 'power'ful effect on me (nyuk nyuk :-).

Because it seemed, in a way, that he 'started my engine', and the alternator serves that same function, of generating power. Cool! :-)

Day before yesterday I was running as fast as I could from the 'other shoe dropping' feeling. Drank a six pack of Coke; watched *four* movies! Had a really angsty dream. Went and played some music with somebody new last night (a woman);
this morning? Woke up, not refreshed, but - calm? Peaceful?

He hasn't abandoned me!

***
Not like my mother, who *did* abandon me, repeatedly, any time I showed signs of needing something she didn’t want to give me, or wanted my independence. She *resented* it, fiercely – it was as if I was supposed to sacrifice *my* freedom so that *she* could feel safe. And yet, at the same time, *she* was never there for *me* when I needed her.

***
Actually, I think he’s waiting to see if I like him for *him*, and not just for what he *does* for me. I think the whole thing about understanding how he feels about God and the bible is more about understanding *him* than that he needs me to be the same as him. I think, in the past, finding someone who *believed* similar things has been the closest he’s ever gotten to feeling ‘understood’. But now, he has a chance to actually be *understood* (maybe? with me?) and I get the sense that he’s poised to forget about the whole God thing (not his feelings, but the need for whoever he’s with to feel the same way. Possibly.)

I keep having this image of it being like this box that I’m pushing along the road, that just sits there, waiting for me to come back and push it some more. It doesn’t go anywhere, it just waits there, patiently, without expectation (but possibly the tiniest, glowing spark of hope?) that I’ll come back and push it some more. I keep expecting the box to sprout wheels and suddenly morph into this amazing race car, a la Calvin and Hobbes. :-)

It's almost like, in a way, *he's* waiting for that equivalent 'alternator' to come along and start *his* engine.

Thinking here of how, when we last parted, he said, "Give me a hug!" I leaped up and wrapped myself around him, and he laughed and kissed me, and we got in our separate cars and drove off, him right behind me in his big truck, hot on my heels, me waving out my sun roof and him honking in return. He followed close behind me, pulling up in the next lane, me slowing down so he could catch me and we could wave at each other one more time before the road split and we went our separate ways. I blew him a kiss, he waved a hunk of salmon jerky that we’d just bought at the fish shop, a huge stack of it to get him to Montana.

I need to feed him, and keep feeding him. It’s like that hungry baby feeling I used to always have? Only, it’s as if, by feeding *him*, I feed my*self*. I mean, I get so much *back* when I ‘take care’ of him – he becomes so insanely generous, so free. It’s like tending to this plant that rewards you with this munificent bounty of lush, gorgeous, heavenly-scented blossoms that take your breath away.

***
***
It’s sort of like, I know I’m getting what I *need* by the results, the effects – I feel happy! I wake up clear headed, my motor humming. And I think: I need to feed him. I need to give him as much as he gives me.

The thing is, he doesn’t *demand*. He just says what he (thinks?) he wants, and I give it to him. And then, he gives me what *I* want. Like magic :-)

***
A girl who spends her childhood populating her own universe from her imagination via books finds that the real world pales by comparison. People are dull, flat, boring. As they were when she was an infant, which was why she sought other stimulus? They simply didn’t *engage* her the way her seeking psyche needed to be engaged.