Uncertainty

[where this starts out and where it ends up - well, thinking aloud again. A mental and emotional slalom ride. Started with the title as 'disappointment', but by the end of it? I seem to have worked my way back to hope again.]

Anger, frustration, rage at being let down AGAIN.

He is NOT what I want.

I am ANGRY.

That it is SO FUCKING DIFFICULT to find a man who actually WANTS an EQUAL relationship.

I think I believed, in my gut, that he really wants equality because of how it FELT to me. I ignored his words, because they didn’t match my experience. I even *said* this to him – that his words didn’t match what I was feeling when we were together. His response? “You mean, I’m not a very good man.” I felt flummoxed, befuddled, wanted to reach out touch him, and simultaneously felt this giant rift open between us that I can never cross.

He is too – what – stuck? I don’t know. Ingrained.

But I’m not *sure* of this. The beer seems like a sign, a crack in the levee that’s holding back all those dammed-up fears, feelings, thoughts, doubts.

*I* can’t do anything about this. I fear, after today’s conversation with him, that he’ll just take it out on me. I’ve tried so hard to go carefully, respectfully, not step on his toes – just as he has done with me.

But today, I slipped a bit, without realizing it. And I think he ‘retaliated’ – not really intentionally, sort of almost reflexively, an automatic defense mechanism. Like the article linked in the previous post.

***
Seesaw, vacillation, back and forth – the ‘dance of intimacy,’ I’ve heard it called. Deciding whether we *really* like each other or not, whether it has any future.

“So how would you describe this ‘relationship’?” he asked.

“Ephemeral,” I said.

“What does that mean?” he asked.

“Um – sort of like – well, ghostly? maybe? only not exactly. More like, not very solid.”

“Ethereal?” he suggested.

“Yeah, that could work,” I replied. “Elusive, hard to grasp, get hold of.”

“Imaginary, almost?”

“Yes,” I said, sadly, wistfully, acknowledging that was *exactly* the word I’d been thinking but didn’t want to say.

The thing is, in such a short time, we’ve talked about *everything*. There is an openness, an honesty, a transparency that I’ve never experienced. Maybe, for the first time in my life, I actually am experiencing some level of emotional intimacy with a man? Maybe that’s it.

Yay! :-) Happiness.

Maybe it’s because it *is* so short, brief, ephemeral? that it seems necessary to grab on, hold tight, make the most of it. Because soon, it, and he, will be gone. Already he eludes me – I can’t quite remember what he looks like. We schemed a bit today to see if we could get together this weekend – he’s actually in one place for a few days – but he couldn’t see his way clear to driving the company truck all this way back to where I am, and flying me up there just seemed – well, we decided not to.

But at least it felt like *we* decided – we actually talked it over, and negotiated, and worked it back and forth, til it became clear that what we wanted was almost, but not quite, in reach.

It’s not really just about money – I think, he’s not sure of me. And I’m not sure of him. And of course it’s all bassackwards, anyway, trying to find out so much about each other in a short time, much of it over the phone. Though I have to admit, it’s been *far* more satisfying than any other time I’ve found myself in remotely similar situations.

I think *I*, at least, had a clarity this time that I’ve never had before. Not only who *I* am, but what I *want* seems to be coming into clearer and clearer focus. I think I’m learning to let go more, and to simply ‘ride the wave’, letting things be what they are. And to reach for what I want, including – him. He said, “Don’t ever lose that.” Meaning, the reaching for what I want thing. I almost cried when he said that – it’s something I’ve worked so hard for, and to have him recognize, so simply, how powerful and important it is – well, *that* was powerful, in itself. He has given me so much, seemingly without effort, without knowing? And yet, he surprises me. Constantly. Just when I think I’ve got him ‘pigeonholed’, he throws me a curve. I *like* that about him :-)