reaction setting in

I don't want to go down the whole abandonment road again.

I don't know what I'm doing, but part of me seems to be blotting him ^♥ out of my mind.

Protective mechanism, I guess. Self preservation. I simply can't *afford* to invest emotional energy into someone I can't SEE. It's like I've al*ready* pressed him between the pages of my mind. In fact, I began the process when I took his photo. Maybe that's why it made him uncomfortable? Like hanging a deer head on your wall.

Yet, if he was *here*?

Who knows. I hate this guesswork thing, this feeling like I'm supposed to somehow *know*, in advance, how everything is going to go! Like *I'm* responsible, single-handedly.

Argh. I *swore* I wouldn't overthink this, and just let my feelings be my guide.

But when the feelings have no - instigator, except memory, which tends (in my experience) to be selective and sometimes seems to, almost randomly, magnify or diminish certain details -

Well. Can I accentuate the positive?

Sweetheart, dearest grasshopper, you can do whatEVER you want. It's your life, your mind, your heart, your world. He enters and leaves it as he chooses. So far, you've made all the moves. You've led, he's followed (though he claims to want to be the 'head'. Very confusing.)

On the *surface*, it *sounds* like many a previous.

But it FEELS different. I don't feel all angsty, or sad, or *any*thing, really, except just missing him and wishing I could be with him again.

And in the absence of that? I want *some*one to be with. Not just anyone, but where all those feelings are still in place.