'defensive self-reliance'

From phttp://www.naturalchild.org/robin_grille/eq_2.html (bold[s] mine):

Developmental Task: The child is at this time trying to learn that it is OK to need, to reach out interpersonally and to ask for what she wants. At a core level she is also learning about deserving, and the joy of receiving. What can be imprinted during this stage is that satisfaction and fulfillment are a birthright, always worth vigorously and assertively pursuing. Our capacity for interpersonal care, giving, and generosity is most authentic to the degree that our passage through this time was favorable. True independence, as opposed to defensive self-reliance, can only spring from satiation of dependency needs.

The Main Wounding Experiences: When a baby of this age is left alone to cry for extended periods, and is refused the holding and attention that she is calling for, this has profound and long-term consequences for her emotional make-up. She deeply absorbs the message that she mustn't ask for what she wants or needs, her impulses to reach out collapse and she becomes resigned. She is not as yet equipped to cope with delayed gratification, and therefore experiences rigidly scheduled feeding, early weaning and "controlled crying" as abandonment and neglect. On the other end of the scale, over-anxious and over-indulgent parenting startles her and disturbs her natural serenity, interrupting her need to express her accumulated emotional stress. The middle road consists of being guided by the baby's cues, and letting her take the lead.

Emotional Function and Core Beliefs: Some core beliefs arising from injurious experiences at this time include: I must do it alone, I must show that I don't need anyone or anything. I don't deserve love, I am not loveable. I am loveable only if I don't have emotional needs. I am only loveable when I am "giving". Others' needs are more important than mine. My happiness depends on being liked by others.

Some core beliefs arising from positive experiences during this stage include: I have a right to have and to express my needs and wants. Life nourishes me. Life is plentiful and abundant, and I deserve Life's generosity. I am free and fulfilled enough to care for others. Others have a right to their needs too. These are the emotional foundations underpinning the capacity to be appropriately assertive, and to be direct rather than manipulative or seductive.

The fulfillment of these essential developmental needs is the font from which we can later draw a natural generosity of spirit. Full gratification of infantile need is also what gives us the capacity to be genuinely respectful of others' needs and limits; to gracefully let go when someone says "no" to us. The organic strength that enables us to sustain disappointments, and to cope with the fact that we don't always get what we want, springs from early childhood satisfaction; not from premature, enforced "independence".

Initiative, self-motivation, emotional stamina and endurance, patience - all of these qualities are fostered when the optimal conditions are encountered at this second stage of development. True independence, as opposed to defensive self-reliance ("I don't need anyone"), is paradoxically the product of dependency having been embraced. Emotional independence enables us to care deeply for ourselves, it empowers us to reach out to others for intimate connection, yet also to let them go.

Potential Adult Manifestation of Injury: When our needs go unanswered at this oral stage of development, this leaves us stuck in dependency, living as if waiting for Mother to show up, subconsciously longing for the lost bliss of unity at the breast. We "suck" at and cling to relationships, food, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, gambling or material goods. We feel as if life owes us, waiting passively for things to change, or impatiently grasping at life. Unfulfilled at the core we remain as "suckers", gullible to the seductive wiles of P. R. machinations, merchandising campaigns and "charismatic" individuals. An individual whose needs of the heart are essentially met is less susceptible later in life to co-dependent relationships, idolatry and addictions. A healthy passage through this time contributes toward a healthy skepticism later. One is not so easily fooled, and will be more perspicacious in relationships.

Our co-dependent clinging in relationships provides no contentment, so we blame each other for our personal dissatisfaction. We fantasize romantic notions of a "true love" which lasts forever, a fanciful and symbiotic union that will meet all our needs for love and understanding; and thus we harbor unrealistic expectations of one another. Alternatively, we convince ourselves that we don't need anyone, but collapse with exhaustion or bitterness. The unsatiated grow up to become insatiable. The breathless greed that afflicts our civilization is no more than the cry of the emotionally malnourished baby disguised in adult garb.

Third Rite of Passage: The Right To Support

What is Happening: This stage spans from 6 months to two years. It is during this time that the child begins to take his first frail and uncertain steps away from symbiosis, toward autonomy. Until roughly 18 months, the baby ha0AThis third stage marks a tenuous threshold of transition from babyhood into childhood, from prostrate helplessness to the boldness of standing. The developmental drama which unfolds at this time is about personal power, the power to exert some control on the environment as the child begins to learn to stand, to take his first steps and to utter his first words.

This third stage marks a tenuous threshold of transition from babyhood into childhood, from prostrate helplessness to the boldness of standing. The developmental drama which unfolds at this time is about personal power, the power to exert some control on the environment as the child begins to learn to stand, to take his first steps and to utter his first words.

Optimal Developmental Experience: There needs to be an abundance of support provided at this time. Support is only true support if it meets the child's needs as they emerge. In other words, support for the child's sake, as the child needs it, rather than "encouragement" to progress at the rate expected by parents or others. The toddler needs his parents behind him as he tentatively steps out to explore. He wants us to share in his wonder as he becomes more agile, to hold him when he stumbles, to be his unfailing safety net when he becomes afraid. He does not want us to cajole or pressure him to "make progress". The child's innate rhythm sets his pace; if allowed he will come to walk and talk without hurry or push. Appropriate support therefore embraces him both at his strength, as at his frailty.

Now that the toddler is mobile, boundary-setting becomes an issue. Realistic safety boundaries can be defined compassionately, clearly and respectfully; without resorting to punishment or shaming.

Developmental Task: At this time, the toddler is learning whether he can trust in the support of others. He needs to find that it is OK to reach out for and receive support, as well as to rely on his own strength; that it is human to be vulnerable as well as strong. This includes trusting that his vulnerability will evoke care, rather than manipulation, seduction or shaming. It also involves the experience that his strength will be respected, and not exploited by others. He needs to distinguish help that is genuine from help that is manipulative, or bait on a hook. His autonomy and personal power are there to serve his own development, not others' expectations. Hopefully, he will learn by example that true personal power comes through honesty, not through domination. Finally, the toddler wants to learn that love is only real if it is love for being himself, not for being what others wish him to be.

The Main Wounding Experiences: The child's growing personal power is a central theme at this time. There are a number of ways in which the wrong kind of support can distort personal power so that instead of being based on honesty, it is based on manipulation, seduction or the use of force. Here are some of the ways that this might happen:

Unfulfilled or lonely parents at times seek comfort in their child, exploiting the child's willingness to be there for the parents' needs. The parent may not be consciously aware that they are loading the child with their own unfulfilled emotional needs, inadvertently leaning on the child, who then grows up too quickly. The pay-off for the child is that he gets to feel special.

It is very tempting at this time to manipulate the child to exceed his own need for supported growth. The trap lies in the temptation to make the child special for being a "champ", or compelling him to make Mummy or Daddy proud. This orients the child toward performance, or showing off: adults become their appreciative audience, as the child splits off from his authentic self to project an image or role designed to get the positive strokes. In the quest to have the "wonderful child" that we can gloat about, "support" becomes manipulative and exploitative. Encouragement to perform more competently (feats of walking, talking, being "cute") risks being seductive to the child, who willingly rises up to meet the parental expectation. He trades in his inner pleasure for the power to entertain, gratify, and thereby control others. Seductive encouragement stands in contrast to a sharing and celebrating of the child's own pleasure gained from his accomplishments.

Some children are turned to by one parent to fill the space of an absent, inadequate or alcoholic partner. Responding to the parent's cues, and sensing the parent's pain, the child grows prematurely to become "Mama's little man", or "Daddy's little girl". In order to meet the adult's emotional need, the child must learn to deny his own frailty, his own need for support. He quickly learns to abandon his true, childish self, and to present a false self-image scripted to enchant his parents. Inside, he feels deeply betrayed, and becomes suspicious and mistrustful; yet he adapts: he gains control over the parents by pleasing them, by disguising his vulnerability, and by becoming indispensable. It is alarming how young a child can mold himself to the role of protector, healer or confidant.

This prematurely developing child becomes astute about other's unspoken needs, and gains control by promising to meet those needs.

The abuse this time consists of over-empowering the child, who is given (or intuitively picks up) the message that the parent is dependent on him.