I decided, some years ago, that relationships are the very most important thing to me, above all else. The way I *used* to put it was, “Say you’re on your death bed, what are you thinking about?
“Are you thinking about all the work you wish you’d done? The big house you built, the boat, the car, the money, the possessions?
“No. What you’re thinking is: Why am I alone here? Why is there nobody to hold my hand?”
The answer is: They hold your hand because you held *their* hand. They’re there for you because you were there for them.. Period. End of story.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you should try to be this bottomless well of generosity – I’ve tried that, and found myself feeling angry and resentful.
So use the ‘angry and resentful’ as a clue, an indicator, as to whether that *particular* relationship is one you really want to be in: Is it mutually beneficial? Is it equal? Is it mutually respectful?
I know all this stuff is obvious, but I’ve had to learn it the hard way, and, like anything learned late in life, it takes a *lot* of reinforcement to not fall back into the same old patterns learned in childhood. To have someone who loves me, and who I love in return, who *understands* the idea of mutuality and practices it on a regular basis... this is what I seek! :-)
One of my favorite comments from the referenced thread (http://ask.metafilter.com/172302/Are-meaningful-relationships-the-meaning-of-life):
Are meaningful relationships the meaning of life?
Yes.
But they are few and far between, and for some people, they never happen. That's not a reason to stop looking and hoping, but pestering people about it is not really the answer.
What to do about that void in the meantime? Everyone will have a different answer. For some, its religious, as mentioned above; for others, it's the intense discipline and self-expression of the arts.
As for me, I got a dog.
posted by philokalia at 1:04 PM on December 5
Also read the comments by grumblebee.
Another comment from that thread that I really like (bolds mine):
Wow, it's bizarre to me that this is even a question someone would ask or that anyone would say that no, meaningful relationships are not a key part of the meaning of life. Humans are a social species — the idea that "you can't be loved until you can love yourself" or that you don't need other people to be fulfilled is basically complete nonsense. You can be OK without a romantic relationship but there are virtually no people who can be OK without *any* rich relationships. And you can't love until you've been loved, is the reality.
Health is linked to the number and quality of your relationships as is happiness and recovery from virtually any mental illness or addiction. Mental illness and physical illness are worse in isolated, lonely people. Solitary confinement is devastating to mental health and to long term physical health. The key to managing stress—and managing stress is essential to health— is social connection.
Imagine being rich beyond belief, successful at curing cancer— and having no one close to you and no one who you can share your joy and pain with. Unless you are the type of autistic person (and by no means are all people on the spectrum like this) who genuinely doesn't take pleasure in human connections, you would not be happy. The idea of codependence is ludicrous American nonsense that has no science behind it (no one can create a test that reliably distinguishes between someone who is codependent and someone who isn't) and that pathologizes altruism.
American individualism has pathologized the fundamental interdependence of human nature. And we are all suffering for it.
posted by Maias at 4:05 PM on December 17
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