let go of being the 'good' one.

It's how they keep you trapped.

*They* are allowed to be jerks, but *you're* not.

I'm thinking of a once-in-a-lifetime event where my brothers and I were having a beer to celebrate the sale of a piece of jointly-owned property.

It was the first such gathering of just the three of us *ever*, in my memory, except for a long drive out to my mom's hometown just after her mother died many years before.

My middle brother was getting progressively more drunk by the minute, and was beginning to hassle both the waitress and Little Brother.

Little Brother was being the calm, stable one - trying to keep Middle Brother on an even keel and not rise to his bait.

I felt like an outsider - I hadn't been around either of them in a while, especially not the Middle one (from who I have been mostly estranged to varying degrees since childhood).

I'd forgotten the language, the 'rules' of the game. I could see Middle brother watching me, waiting for me to decide which way I'd go - because it was clear that I saw through 'the game' and was able to consciously choose, one way or the other, whether to play it.

Looking back? I almost think I see a beseeching look on Middle Brother's face, as if *begging* me to join him in lampooning Little Brother - as if, in order to feel good about himself? he needed a - what's the word - conspirator? or something. Accomplice? Still not quite right.

Anyway, so I took *one* jab at Little Brother, saw the wince of pain on his face, and immediately regretted it, and apologized immediately to Little Brother.

But it was too late, the damage was done. Little Brother 'manned up' under the combined forces of his siblings, and Middle Brother felt - what - vindicated? Or something.

God DAMN it I hate this shit.

Little Brother eventually forgave me, in fact probably forgot it fairly quickly, because he knows I love him.

But still - the pricks and barbs leave little holes in the soul, or so *I* believe, and through them leak out the essence of who we are.

We must *protect* this self, this being, this essence, vigilantly and diligently, like a border collie protecting her flock, patrolling constantly.

It would be *nice* to live somewhere where this *wasn't* necessary, where somebody had your back all the time, and you could relax.

I can only hope that someday, soon, I will experience such a loving relationship.

Meantime? I just do my best not to get sucked into such hurtful and damaging dynamics with *anybody* I encounter, and try to call people who *pull* such shit, whether on me or somebody else, on it *immediately*, not giving the thing time to fester and become infected and horrible and gross, not to mention, painful.

And: *Trying* to learn *not* to engage in this behavior myself, with people I care about. I *suppose* ideally not with *anybody*, ever, but I ain't no saint.

Baby steps. And: Karma. Or something. Trying to keep it in perspective?