Self preservation: Just because sheΩ's* never had enough to give you,

doesn't mean you don't deserve to get EVERYTHING you need.

'Everything' being: Money; love; emotional support. Whatever you need.

And to go even further, which may be expanded elsewhere: You deserve to get what you *want* just as much as *anybody*. This 'deserving' or 'undeserving' business is all of a piece - leftover remnants of what you felt AS A CHILD continually reasserting itself as 'truth' or 'fact'.

Dear grasshopper: NONE OF IT IS TRUE.

:-)

*'She^Ω' as defined in previous post.


PS: The meek will *not* inherit the earth. That's just another ploy, a ruse, a scam to keep all the suckers pre-occupied with 'being good' while the assholes pillage and plunder.

***
Realizing that this feeling of 'scarcity' isn't something I just made up out of my own head - it's experiential, as are so many things in life.

When I was born, they had no money; she^Ω ran out of milk when I was quite young.

I was anemic, presumably from being undernourished; she says she took me to the doc to see why I wasn't putting on weight.

*My* theory?

I didn't feel loved.

Yeah, they fed me. I had a bed to sleep in. I had clothes to wear, and toys to play with.

But I felt so fucking ALONE all the time.

I even mentioned this to her the other day, musingly, as in, "You know, I think I was a very lonely child."

"I know," was all she said. As if my childhood took place on the moon, or in a movie, or a story, and had nothing whatsoever to do with her.

Fuck. It makes me angry all over again.

But fleetingly - I'm learning to re-channel that 'energy' into *doing* something. Namely: Turning away. Turning my back on her, as she has done to *me* all this time.

I feel less and less guilty about it, less like it's about 'getting even' and am more and more able to recognize it as a simple, basic method of 

SELF PRESERVATION.

After writing that?

I feel suddenly, violently, cold. Freezing. Shivering. Like the loneliness of space - empty.

This is what I must have felt as a child - the emptiness passing in waves over my tiny body, til I curled my essential 'self' into the tiniest little knot at the core of my being to KEEP HER WARM AND SAFE.

I wonder if it is at this point that people often 'choose' other branches - autism, possibly? or maybe other self-preservative 'splits' occur at this point in a child's development when she desperately NEEDS someone to see, hear, but most of all RESPOND TO her fear and loneliness.