Fear of annihilation:

That the parents will ‘snuff you out’ like a candle, blow out your new-lit flame before it ever has a chance to burn brightly.

I’ve lived with this fear all my life – maybe everyone does?

That somehow I’d make a ‘wrong move’, and that would be it, game over.

It’s absolutely paralyzing, this fear. I deal with it every day – depending on what I’ve got going on, it can take hours, sometimes much of the day is consumed with damping down this fear to a manageable level.

I don’t have the usual escape hatches – not a smoker, can’t really handle alcohol; caffeine has been my ‘savior’ many times, but at a cost? maybe. Though, it’s hard to tell which ‘costs’ me more - *not* doing it, or doing it. So I try to let my – intuition? be my guide. If I’m Jonesin’ fer the stuff, I just go *get* me some, and consume whatever masses of sugar I seem to need that day.

The downside? Well, some days I feel fat and bloated; other days, it feels like the acid is going to eat every bit of enamel right off my teeth. And some part of me *wonders* what other effects may be happening that I’m not consciously privy to.

But: I can only do what I can do, I’m not a magician. I’m human, and limited by my circumstances and the resources to which I personally have access and the ones that reside in my own person.

So.

Actually, writing that helped.

***
I feel ‘virtuous’ (not really, just skinnier :- ) today because it’s been so freaking cold for the last few days that I haven’t wanted to leave the house. The hurdles of ‘prettify’, scrape off car, get food in body – all of it seems too much. Until, of course, I’m completely and entirely without food (of the sort my body *needs*, that is – cans of beans don’t count. Don’t know why I ever buy the damn things, I *never* eat ‘em...

Can a person *live* entirely on egg yolks and sunflower seeds? :- )

Interesting – eggs and seeds seem, somehow, to represent, possibly, rebirth?

Cool :-)