System re-set? (mental vapors – code to self ahead)

Gig Thursday, been holed up since – haven’t left the house for anything, not food, not a walk, scarcely poked my head outside.

Ran out of sugar in the process – no candy, soda, what have you.

First couple days were *hell* - thought the top of my head would come off. Lots of weird nightmares.

Then started to lose the body fat where much of that crap is stored, and with it, the whole de-tox process. Didn’t drink a lot of water – grape juice instead, the water here’s nasty, even after filtering. Also it seems to mess with that broken tooth somehow – don’t know.

Today feel better, clearer-headed, though feel things lurking around the edges that I previously kept at bay with sugar and caffeine.

Think I’m going to ‘give in’ today – mostly because I’m completely out of anything edible.

So we’ll see – my period even shows signs of starting, after a several month hiatus! Whoo-hoo!

Though I had an odd thought – soon’s I put the last photo of whosis away, suddenly that zone is freed up again. Go figger. Remember: Correlation does not equal causation.

***
But anyway – my *gums* have been acting weird – remembering some Chinese med. idea about gums and guilt? and today Googled it and saw stress associated with gum disease.

So mind leaped to: Guilt --> eats gums, gums get rotten and nasty, bad stuff pools, eats teeth.

Does guilt make some kind of ‘hormone’ in the saliva, like fear makes cortisol? And does it float around and irritate your teeth and gums?

Hm. And how does the sugar play in?

I’m pretty sure anybody reading this will think I’m crazy for saying it, but my *sense* is that:
If I eat the sugar like a hungry baby, with no guilt, just filling the belly and meeting the emotional need,
Nothing bad happens.

Whereas, if I’m worried about calories, or weight, or any of the many, many, many
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYY

cultural shoulds attached to nearly *any* behavior,
suddenly I get fat, or feel sick, or bloated. I’ve just ‘swallowed’ something I ‘shouldn’t’.

Too bloody fucking complicated, if you ask me.

***
Also, fat has mainly been getting stored around mid-belly, which is a new one for me - use to be on upper legs (still is, but used to be *only* there - now it's both, oh joy :-)

The fat is in a zone that neatly divides second and third chakra, the lower portion being where 'old stuff' (emotional stuff, unfinished business?) is stored, and the upper portion, third chakra +/-? where the 'will' and one's main power source comes from.

So - eating all the sugar creates kind of this protective 'barrier' to me being aware of stuff I'm not quite ready to deal with yet? Kind of holds it at bay?

I'm pretty sure I need someone like ♥ to help me through this next bit - someone I can physically be with, who's not *necessarily* aware of what's going on for *me*, but who's open to experimenting with what's going on, which will allow *me* to do what *I* need to do.

I think most people are just a whole heckuva lot less *conscious* or *aware* of this stuff, and do it, kind of, unintentionally.

I sort of wish *I* could be as oblivious and unaware and just willy-nilly be out there grabbing for what I need, no guilt, no shame, no 'asking'. Just 'doing' and 'being' without all the insanely time-consuming ...

Ah! THAT's what people mean when they say I 'think too much'. I guess I kind of *knew* that? But, since I didn't have any other way of *doing* what I needed to do, I kind of just have/had to ignore them and keep right on going.

But now? Hm.

***
It seems like it may kind of go in layers, or cycles, for a while? til I get the hang of this. (Like Shrek, where the donkey says Shrek's layers are like a parfait.)

So - a few days without sugar? Maybe this will help me select *what kind of people* to be around - if I can handle them and not feel the need to recluse (?) for a week, or three days (the usual length) and not pile up on top of all my guilt/shame feelings for all the ways I 'fucked up' during my time with the people, then - well, then maybe things will change?