and it's a vicious cycle.

The more the little one (middle child, I'm still talking about here) fights her mother, the deeper in she gets. To my mind it's good that mn (middle niece) is angry - to me that means her spirit hasn't been squashed. She's still fighting, which is good.

But she hasn't yet learned how to fight - she hasn't learned the socially approved (at least in this family) ways to manipulate. Which I saw o.n. (oldest niece?) exhibit tonight: When m.n. was 'acting out', o.n. came over and whispered in my ear, She's always cranky. Which of course set m.n. off again, and she scowled and crossed her arms and looked even more upset. At which o.n. came and whispered again, I forget what, and I said: Stop this. If you have something to say to your sister, say it to her directly. Doing it this way just makes her mad, and is rude and unfair.

So you see that o.n. is already learning the gossipy, backbiting ways of the world. Great.

And of course SIL encourages this: She does the 'spelling-things-out-loud-in-front-of-everybody-so-the-youngest-won't-understand' thing. And tonight o.n. trotted this tactic out herself, following in mama's footsteps. It would be funny if it weren't so painful...

Part of me just wants to wash my hands of the whole thing, it's too much. I'm just barely getting a grip on my own shit - how can I possibly be of any real use to these little ones? It feels like the proverbial drop in the bucket against an endless ocean...