do-nothing day

Today feels like I'll just have to give it up as a do-nothing day, where I'm unable to overcome the internal paralysis of these unresolved feelings. So I sit here with no energy, no strength, literally paralyzed, frozen in thought and action, except for typing away at this keyboard...it's as if I'm nothing more than a series of synaptic impulses connecting fingers with eyes and ears, and the rest of me has become immobile.

I reek of fear sweat, the paralysis locks my muscles and joints; I wish vaguely for some Coke to help punch myself out of this depression. But my body is exhausted from the repeated adrenalin shocks alternating with the numbing-out of the Jack Daniels, I may just simply sleep, instead. Sleep like the dead, sleep like I will never awaken. No concern for whether it's night or day or Wednesday or November or anything at all - just to sleep until the pain stops. Until I can wake up and not have my first thought, my very first thought, be what an awful person I am.

I stumbled on a term for this the other day: Shame attack. Very useful, apropos, right on the money. Exactly what it feels like: This demon inside your gut grabs your innards in its wicked fist and twists, with an evil grin and a cackle that says, How does that feel, you slimy, useless piece of nothingness.

It's funny (and not in a 'ha ha' way) how little it hurts to write that. Is it that I'm becoming more detached? No, doesn't seem like that - feels like I'm simply becoming more matter-of-fact, more open in calling things the way I see them. No more whitewashing, pollyanna-ing, no more covering up things that made the 'rents 'uncomfortable'. FUCK their discomfort. Hand it back to them and dish it up with a big silver spoon. Let them eat misery, discontent, shame, humiliation, for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and every snack in between. Let them fucking wallow in the contempt of their parents and grandparents and ad nauseum as far back as the ancestral mind's eye can see.

Fuck 'em. That's what I say. Their pain does not give them the god-given right to pass their misery on to their children.