as my confidence builds

(back to lower case again, i see), i feel the bile of not being allowed to be proud or confident rise in my throat. The bulimia all over again - I cannot have, am not allowed, that which I most need: Praise. Recognition. Approval. Understanding and acceptance of my gifts, whatever they may be.

I feel it in the base of my throat - that burning like before you're going to cry. Ah - perhaps grief at never being able to be myself, again? Treading the same ground over and over again is how it becomes familiar, grasshopper. Remember training the puppy: Patience. Over and over. Repetition. It is not soiling the carpet because it is bad or some other negative thing to which the behavior of the young of both human and other species is so often attributed; it is making this mess because it doesn't know how to do anything else yet.

So. You are learning. Give yourself the gift of time, like the flowers in the yard that bloom when they've had enough of the right kind of sun and gentle rain, and not a minute sooner.