I have to leave her behind,

that's what's so scary. (And I noticed just now that when I switched from feeling like the 'child' to feeling like the 'adult' I switched from 'i' to 'I'. Interesting. Clues everywhere, if only one knows how to read them :-) Thinking maybe Virginia Woolf had something to say about this phenomenon, not sure why I think that. Mostly I just love the way her mind works. Yes, present tense, whaddya gonna argue with me?? Jeez, even my own frickin' mind won't give me a break. Hecklers everywhere...)

The thing that's freaky and weird about it is that she acts like I'm abandoning her. But she abandoned me! She's the mother, not me!

So why do I feel so guilty? So ashamed? So frightened, worried, anxious? To the point that I can't sleep, and last year had anxiety attacks for the first time (well, almost - the exception was quite a different situation, maybe tell that another time), and now seem to be dealing with what my best guess would call something like complex PTSD? Don't really care about the label, it's really only a way to attempt to get a handle on the thing and talk about it with others. But the instant it appears to impede communication? Out it goes.