flotsam

Every day new bits of stuff come to the surface (or old bits re-circulating).

Sometimes I find myself visiting the same thoughts over and over and over again, like a dog endlessly chewing the same old bone.

I turn the thoughts this way and that, looking for a new angle, a new way in, someplace to crack the ossified old habits apart and see if I can assemble a new way of thinking/being/doing from the pieces.

As part of this process, I use Google a lot :-)

I'll think of an idea, type it straight into Google, see what comes up. The number and kind of results is often as useful as simply finding a 'hit' that exactly matches my idea. In fact, often the tangents lead me right to what I needed at that moment, as if it doesn't really matter how you get there - just throw a handful of darts in the general direction of the target, and even if none of them hit, something will be stirred up just by the process of asking the question.

Some days I can't seem to get any of the pieces to fit together - either I'm too tired or stressed out, or it's ground I've covered so many times that I'm sick to death of it and really don't want to go there.

So ok, maybe that's a good answer in itself. At this point I have a shot of JD (if it's near bedtime) or put in a funny video, or go for a walk, or even just go stand outside and get some (hopefully fresh) air. Just change the direction of my gaze for a while, look at something different.

As I type that I realize that I often get caught in this sort of 'fixed gaze' mode, almost as if I have blinders on, literally. Like the old kind that horses used to wear so they would focus only on what was directly in front of them.

In my case the blinders serve less to keep me focused than to block out that which I find disturbing, uncomfortable or frightening. Like a negative look or expression that makes me worry what I said or did wrong to elicit the look. And of course, not everything is about me, right? So then, if I catch a 'negative' expression on somebody's face, I have to engage further brain power/energy in figuring out what it is that they're upset with me about. And then I might eventually realize (or simply decide) that whether or not it has anything to do with me, it's up to the other person to speak up, and not passively expect me to figure it out.

On the other hand, if I'm worried about something and it's an important relationship to me, I'm learning to just express what I'm feeling and ask the person what's going on. Often as not people seem to be totally unaware of the vibe they're giving off, and can be completely in some world of their own that has nothing to do with you.