The question is

do you like her?

This is the question I want to ask my SIL: Do you like m.n.? Or is she just an annoyance to you, a thorn in your side, the bad one?

Because I think that's what m.n. feels: She IS the bad one. It's clear with her every move, every word, every gesture.

I think SIL feels like I'm 'indulging' m.n. when I encourage her to talk about what she's feeling.

The most horrible thing about these pitched battles is that m.n. gets all the attention she wants and then some, but it's not the kind of attention she needs. Instead she becomes the scapegoat, the problem, the focus of all the bullshit behavior that the family practices in the name of 'being good'. So she sits there, mortified, while all eyes at the table watch her not eat her stupid piece of asparagus.

Of course she doesn't know how to bat her eyes winsomely and giggle like y.n.; or say something clever or funny like o.n.; instead she's stuck, pinned, unable to escape.

It's vicious, this stuff - it's like some kind of horrible public shaming, like putting somebody in stocks or making them wear a red letter on their forehead. When one child gets singled out to bear the burden of the shame-based family, it's like watching someone being eaten alive, being torn to bits by piranhas (or something) before your very eyes.

And it's completely preventable, and utterly unnecessary.