hungry

All these words and images are an attempt to capture how this feels, and hopefully from there I can move to understanding what causes these feelings, and from there it is my fervent hope to discover how to change something, anything, in my life that will make it feel better.

The feeling is of starvation; that no matter how much I eat, I'm always hungry. There is always this gnawing, yawning ache inside, this hole that can never be filled.

I've tried filling it with food; with books; with surfing the web til I'm so exhausted I'm literally falling out of my chair; exercising and/or doing hard physical labor til I'm ready to collapse.

And yet, none of this satisfies. It distracts, yes, which can be useful if the problem is temporary or short-term.

But in the long run? It's like trying to live on junk food: The organism eventually dies of malnutrition. Literally, starvation.

I see people all around me who appear to be happy, successful; and yet I can no more attain this state than I can reach the candy on the other side of that plate glass window. It is utterly inaccessible to me, this feeling of satiety, of having enough, of feeling, at long last, full. Satiated.