I'm AFRAID

Fucking bingo - that's it, Jeeves, you've done it, old boy (yeah, yeah - 'girl' - I'll explain how my mind works on that some other time, maybe. Ok, now. Really, it's quite simple: All my 'formative' authors were men, who wrote in a male voice. So all my favorite quotes say 'he', or 'him', and it's too mentally awkward to change pronouns. I never much liked the other manglements of the language, either, such as 'draftsperson', etc. Ugh.)

I'm TERRIFIED. Fucking paralyzed with fear. Free-associating: Frozen fear - no, wait, the saying is, Fear is frozen excitement.

What the fuck??? That doesn't fucking make sense at all. (ooh, good, I've progressed to anger.) Another favorite saying (paraphrased):

"With respect to depression, when you move from feeling suicidal to feeling homicidal, you know you're making progress."

So, whose death should I wish for, then? Hm, not quite there yet. Can't rush this stuff with rationality, it has to unfold naturally, at its own pace, when the 'right ingredients' are in place. Or, as I like to say, Like the flower that unfolds, blooms, naturally, when the sun is just the right warmth and a gentle, soothing rain has fallen for enough days.

So: What am I afraid of? My SIL. Less so of my brother, more that we yet again have 'patching up' to do, and once again it'll be me that has to do it...and always the fear in the background that this'll be the one straw too many, the one that causes the final rift. It could happen, that's what comes from sticking to one's guns. The trick is to know when said 'guns' are causing as much damage from 'friendly fire' as they are to the foe...losing the thread here.

I refuse, that's my answer. Will not engage in this particular power struggle. Think I'll just sit this one out, thank you very much - go on with my life as if I have no brother, no mother, no SIL, no nieces. Nothing against the nieces, of course, but I'll have to do without them too. Perhaps that'll be the logjam breaker: Maybe if I don't show up for a while - a few weeks? Months? They'll begin to wonder, Where's Auntie _____??? I can only hope they'll notice, and feel brave enough to ask.

Then, maybe, for once, maybe finally someone else will take on the task of mending the bridge. I think I'm hereby officially retiring from the position of bridge-mender.