it's the anger that's hanging me up

It's having no place to safely express the anger that's the problem.

What a child needs is to be able to get angry with her parents without worrying that it will destroy the relationship.

The relationship needs to be strong enough to withstand the winds of the child's shifting emotions (which, hey, are normal!), which allows her to feel safely contained and supported by people who accept all of her needs, not just the ones that are convenient to the parents.

Anger is the boundary-setter, the sheepdog that patrols the fences and lets out a howl when danger threatens. The 'danger' could be anything from the threat of damage to an important relationship to simply having a basic need like hunger or need for physical affection go unattended.

Parents who repress their childrens' anger are essentially sending them out into the jungle naked, de-clawed and with blunted teeth, unprepared to protect themselves.