parenting styles

A bunch of links about parenting that I want to keep track of.

Remember: Take what you need and leave the rest.


Some authoritarian parenting style definitions:
From Do You Know Your Parenting Style:

Parents who tend to overemphasize the discipline side of the equation are referred to as authoritarian. Authoritarian parents are demanding in the worst sense of the word. They are intimidators, requiring obedience and respect above all else. They become overly angry and forceful when they don't get that obedience and respect. Their love and acceptance appear totally conditional to the child. They do not teach or listen to their kids or explain the reason for their expectations, which are frequently unrealistic. They often see their children's individuality and independence as irrelevant or threatening.

Research has shown that authoritarian parents tend to produce children who are more withdrawn, anxious, mistrustful and discontented. These children are often overlooked by their peers. Their self-esteem is often poor.

From Authoritarian Parenting Style Has Long Term Drawbacks:

An authoritarian parenting style has a strong focus on discipline and setting limits with less emphasis on expressions of parental love. Although this doesn't mean that these parents do not love their children, it does illustrate their reluctance to express love and connection—two things that are critical to healthy development in children.

Those who strictly follow this style may take issue with the last paragraph and claim they set firm limits because they love their children. They want their children to grow up to be good people. They want their kids to love and respect them for all the sacrifices they've made. Sadly, these parents believe that using punishment, coercion, blame and shame is the way to achieve that end.

Think about how backwards this is—parents think that by using harsh indoctrination, their children will somehow grow up to be good and caring people.

To examine the ill-directed principles behind authoritarian parenting, let's start on common ground.

I think we can agree that most parents want their children to love and respect them. Most parents want their children to grow up to become good people. However, like two routes to the same destination—one barely tolerable with a harsh taskmaster at the helm and the other an enjoyable journey during which all the travelers develop close and lasting bonds—we can wind up at the same place without damaging our children's psyches in the process.

The tools of authoritarian parenting are blame, shame, coercion and punishment. I think it's safe to say that it does not feel good to be on the receiving end of such behavior, but many parents convince themselves that these tactics are necessary to "teach a lesson."

Why?

Because this was how they were raised.

Let's consider for a moment what children are learning when parents treat them in this way.

Effects of Authoritarian Parenting

When children are blamed, shamed and punished as a rule, they learn:

• to feel bad about themselves.
• what NOT to do, but not what to do.
• that their parents' love is contingent on their behavior.
• to avoid inappropriate behavior, not because they have developed strong values, but because it will get them punished.

From Authoritarian Parenting Style - Is the Authoritarian Parenting Style Effective:

An authoritarian parenting style is one in which the parents demand obedience and blind compliance from their children. Authoritarian parents have rigid rules with harsh punishments for bending, questioning or disobeying them. Although this style of parenting has been predominant for most of human history, it best serves societies in which children grow up to follow exactly in their parents' footsteps, toiling away their lives in agrarian or industrial societies.

Wisegeek.com, What are Some Different Parenting Styles?

The Authoritarian Parent

Other various links on parenting and parenting styles:
From Child Abuse, section on Styles of Child Rearing (p. 20):

"...very different styles of child rearing can emerge from the interaction of two fundamental dimensions of parenting: (a) the degree of parental demandingness, and (b) the degree of parental sensitivity. Demandingness is defined as the amount or degree of control the parent attempts to exert over the child, and responsiveness is defined as the frequency of parenting interactions (both positive and negative) that are child centered versus parent centered (i.e., the degree to which the parent behaves in response to the needs and behavior shown by the child.)"

From section entitled Authoritarian Parenting Style, p. 21:

"There is a great deal of overlap in the attitudinal and behavioral correlates of authoritarian and abusive parenting styles, which suggests that abusive parenting may be a more extreme version of the authoritarian style... Authoritarian parents exhibit an insensitivity [bolds mine] to the child's level of ability, interest or needs that may impair the child's self-esteem or motivation..."

From Emotional Intelligence: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman:

We have tracked children's physiological responses during stressful parent-child interactions. We have carefully observed and analyzed parents' emotional reactions to their kids' anger and sadness. Then we have checked in with these families over time to see how their children developed in terms of health, academic achievement, emotional development, and social relationships.

Our results tell a simple, yet compelling story. We have found that most parents fall into one of two broad categories: those who give their children guidance about the world of emotion and those who don't.

I call the parents who get involved with their children's feelings "Emotion Coaches." Much like athletic coaches, they teach their children strategies to deal with life's ups and downs. They don't object to their children's displays of anger, sadness, or fear. Nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and they use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them. [bolds mine]

The process of Emotion Coaching that my research colleagues and I uncovered in our studies of successful parent-child interactions typically happens in five steps. The parents:

1. become aware of the child's emotion;

2. recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching;

3. listen empathetically, validating the child's feelings;

4. help the child find words to label the emotion he is having; and

5. set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.

From Emotion Coaching at parentingcounts.org:

"We spend a lot of time teaching our children simple things such as tying their shoes, yet we often expect them to learn how to handle complex feelings like anger, sadness and frustration without much help. Research studies make it clear that children do better when parents nurture, support and encourage their emotional development."
***
On the trail of emotions.
"It might not be apparent, but a boy who becomes sullen and angry with a younger sister may be feeling insecure with his place in the family and jealous of the attention she is getting. The reason a girl suddenly wants to stop going to her childcare center might have nothing to do with childcare at all. Instead she may be feeling rejected by a playmate at the center who found a new friend.

The hints to children's feelings aren't always written on their faces. Helping children develop the language to talk about emotions is an important part of the process. For example, they need to learn the words for emotions like disappointment, hurt feelings, sadness, and worry. But even before kids learn to express themselves, tuned-in adults can often decode children's messages by listening closely and trying to view the world from their point of view."
***
Looking for clues in make-believe.
"It's not uncommon for young ones—especially those under seven—to express their own fears and uncertainties while playing. A young girl who is happily cuddling her doll, Molly, might suddenly say 'Molly doesn't like it when mommy and daddy yell at each other.' Take note when this happens. Children often use characters and scenes during make-believe to talk about difficult or confusing feelings.

Nightmares can also offer a glimpse into the child's emotional world, just as they do the adult's. Even at a young age, our subconscious mind finds ways of dealing with emotions that our conscious mind avoids. Comfort your child after a bad dream, explain the difference between dreams and reality, but keep an ear open for the real-life issues behind the nightmare. "
***
Attitude is important.
"Viewing emotional moments as opportunities, rather than burdens, is not an attitude that comes naturally to everyone. We are all wired to deal with emotions differently. Some parents are more likely to dismiss their child's feelings as silly and unimportant. If a kid is feeling hurt or sad, they might say, 'That's life, and the sooner you realize that the better.' Others see negative emotions like sadness or anger as dangerous or harmful, and try to help their children get rid of them as quickly as possible by replacing them with more positive, happy feelings.

For others, displays of emotions just make them uncomfortable. They may try to avoid or ignore their children's feelings, resorting to bribery or threats to control their children's emotional behavior.

Both of those approaches can actually do more harm than good, according to Gottman. Emotions—even negative ones—are not something to be dismissed or ignored; they are a normal part of being a happy, healthy, and fully-functioning person." [bolds mine]
***
Learning how emotions work.
"For young children, emotions are new and sometimes overwhelming. Kids don't have the benefit of an adult's life experience to understand that the pain they feel when a pet dies will get better with time. Parents and caregivers who support and comfort their child during hard times become that much closer with their child. By offering guidance and experience, they teach the child to deal with feelings that will emerge time and time again in their lives.

Opportunities to teach a child aren't just limited to heavy emotional moments. As all adults know, feelings can escalate. What starts out as mild anxiety about getting the first haircut can grow into a screaming fit once a child is in the barber's chair. By noticing and talking about feelings before they grow into a crisis, parents and caregivers not only defuse issues when they are small, they teach children an important problem-solving strategy.

Whether it's an intense emotional outburst or a quiet, less obvious emotional experience, how a parent acts in the emotional moment is critical. It's important to show patience, interest, and a willingness to join the child in the feeling before working together to find solutions. Parents who take the time to listen, understand, and teach during emotional moments do themselves and their children a lot of good. Not only are their children more likely to see mom and dad as important friends and allies during tough times, they are learning how to deal with emotions in a healthy, effective way. "

A link on forcing kids to eat things they don't like:
Should parents force their kids to eat foods they don't like when they are young?
Discussion thread, various points of view, mostly against.