I want to use my anger to help me get unstuck. So here are some bits and pieces I've found on Google today, I'll just stick them up here in no particular order.
From Trauma, Attachment and Family Permanence:
"...it is part of the inherent paradox of attachment that, when children are at their most rejecting, parents need to hold their children closer; confronting the rejection and avoiding inadvertent collusion with the child's distorted perceptions."My take on this: Yes, it's important for parents not to reinforce their children's sense of having been abandoned or rejected by further rejecting the child. However, in my opinion this must be done carefully and sensitively, paying attention to the child's need for autonomy.
A parent who grabs a child and holds her against her will is frightening, not comforting. The parent must NOT use this method in anger or as a way to control the child. This method must be used with the deepest respect for the child's needs and feelings foremost in the parent's mind; the parent (or other caregiver) must focus all his/her attention on trying to sensitively respond to the child's needs.
And this doesn't mean the parent has to get it perfectly right; it just means they have to give it their best shot. The child will recognize the good intention, effort and meaning behind the parent reaching out to restore the connection, whether or not the execution is 'perfect'. It's the attempt that matters, and if the attempt fails, the parent should try again, until it's clear that the child is satisfied with the parent's effort.
After all, when it comes down to it, the parent has all the real power in this equation. No matter how frustrated you may become with your child, she is still dependent on you. Ultimately, the power and responsibility to see that she gets what she needs rest with YOU.
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