this must be why I'm drawn to

the cards with pentacles (wealth, of various kinds) and The Sun, and so on: I'm trying to re-fill the coffers - mentally, physically, emotionally, from the depletion of a lifetime of doing without.

Here's a favorite one right now, repeated for good measure (nine of pents from Rider Waite deck):

reaching out to emotionally unavailable people* is a *habit*

*yes, I hate the shrink BS, too. But it's *true*, nonetheless...

This doesn't mean I'm a bad person for reaching out to those who 're-create' the feelings I experienced as a child - no, it simply means I'm human, and a perfectly normal human, at that.

So: Letting go of any of the negative bullshit, I hereby give grassy 'permission' to do whatever she needs to do (or think, or feel, or whatever) to get through this.

There are no 'rules'.

There's only what works. Or: What Hamlet said (bold mine):

Why, then, 'tis none to you; for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so[...]

push back.

The other thing is this feeling that I'm being *mean* if I don't put everybody else's needs first. Not just selfish; not just thoughtless, not just unkind, but actively, intentionally, *trying* to 'make' somebody else feel bad. You get *one* guess as to where that feeling comes from. Yes: Ω.

Self preservation: Just because sheΩ's* never had enough to give you,

doesn't mean you don't deserve to get EVERYTHING you need.

'Everything' being: Money; love; emotional support. Whatever you need.

And to go even further, which may be expanded elsewhere: You deserve to get what you *want* just as much as *anybody*. This 'deserving' or 'undeserving' business is all of a piece - leftover remnants of what you felt AS A CHILD continually reasserting itself as 'truth' or 'fact'.

Dear grasshopper: NONE OF IT IS TRUE.

:-)

*'She^Ω' as defined in previous post.


PS: The meek will *not* inherit the earth. That's just another ploy, a ruse, a scam to keep all the suckers pre-occupied with 'being good' while the assholes pillage and plunder.

***
Realizing that this feeling of 'scarcity' isn't something I just made up out of my own head - it's experiential, as are so many things in life.

When I was born, they had no money; she^Ω ran out of milk when I was quite young.

I was anemic, presumably from being undernourished; she says she took me to the doc to see why I wasn't putting on weight.

*My* theory?

I didn't feel loved.

Yeah, they fed me. I had a bed to sleep in. I had clothes to wear, and toys to play with.

But I felt so fucking ALONE all the time.

I even mentioned this to her the other day, musingly, as in, "You know, I think I was a very lonely child."

"I know," was all she said. As if my childhood took place on the moon, or in a movie, or a story, and had nothing whatsoever to do with her.

Fuck. It makes me angry all over again.

But fleetingly - I'm learning to re-channel that 'energy' into *doing* something. Namely: Turning away. Turning my back on her, as she has done to *me* all this time.

I feel less and less guilty about it, less like it's about 'getting even' and am more and more able to recognize it as a simple, basic method of 

SELF PRESERVATION.

After writing that?

I feel suddenly, violently, cold. Freezing. Shivering. Like the loneliness of space - empty.

This is what I must have felt as a child - the emptiness passing in waves over my tiny body, til I curled my essential 'self' into the tiniest little knot at the core of my being to KEEP HER WARM AND SAFE.

I wonder if it is at this point that people often 'choose' other branches - autism, possibly? or maybe other self-preservative 'splits' occur at this point in a child's development when she desperately NEEDS someone to see, hear, but most of all RESPOND TO her fear and loneliness.

eight of pents.

Couldn't find a good image for this one the other day - here's one I like, from Gendron tarot:

the next part of it is habit.

Could have gone right back to bed, but the process of unraveling this tangled wad of string before it snapped back into place - SCHPLAP! kept me awake and fired up, and now I'm in that slightly revved, hyper state where I'm thinking of getting a Coke and some candy to keep me going.

Sleeeeep...

What song do mama grasshoppers sing to baby grasshoppers? Ooh, the sound of crickets - that's a *beautiful* song! Hard to sing with a human voice, though. Hm.

So: It's a habit.

Part of it's feeling like I'm missing something - the amount of time *wasted* in the 'freeze' state, then the disentangling - I feel *cheated*, somehow, of my life, as if I've spent an *insane* amount of it battling these invisible monsters and demons that no one else can see.

Sad grasshopper face :-(

But.

Progress is being made!

And there's enough time today to do *both* the sleeping *and* the high-rev celebratory wackiness.

a funny thing happened on the way to the meltdown.

Reset.

Complete and instantaneous. Like

hitting the triple word square on Scrabble
or waking up on Daylight Savings Day, and suddenly realizing you've got a free, extra, bonus hour.

Only today? It was a whole day.

Somehow I was *so* stressed all day yesterday and the day before, thinking about things I had to do Monday, I was so *sure* last night that tomorrow was Monday -

I woke up today, having set the alarm, all ready to tackle my list -

The idiot downstairs (need a symbol for *him*, too) was still here, couldn't figure out why he'd be here so late in the morning on a Monday. Figured maybe he was sick.

Wasn't til I got the 'puter fired up and started deleting the eletronic detritus from the night before that I looked twice for the new load file to have a Jan 31 date, and suddenly went: D'oh! It's Sunday! I don't have to panic yet! Woo-hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

I CAN GO BACK TO BED and SLEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

panic.

averted.

Ω* up to her usual tricks, but clever grassy did an end run.

Yay Grassy! Touchdown!
(the crowd goes wild.)

:-)

*hereinafter known as "the parental unit formerly known as 'mother'."

Had to do a bit of hunting around, but found an (ex post facto?) explanation of why the omega symbol leaped off the html code page as the right one to signify the p. unit. Bit convoluted and circuitous, if you ask me, but it gets there in the end.

From http://www.crystalinks.com/lyre.html (bolds mine):

The lyre is a stringed musical instrument well known for its use in Classical Antiquity.[...]According to ancient Greek mythology, the young god Hermes created the lyre from a large tortoise shell (khelus) which he covered with animal hide and antelope horns. Lyres were associated with Apollonian virtues of moderation and equilibrium, [?!] contrasting the Dionysian pipes which represented ecstasy and celebration.

Locales in southern Europe, western Asia, or north Africa have been proposed as the historic birthplace of the genus. The instrument is still played in north-eastern parts of Africa.

The Lyra of Hermes


The 'Lyre' or 'Harp' is the instrument invented by Hermes and given to Apollo his half-brother, who in turn gave it to his son Orpheus, the musician of the Argonauts.

Astrology: The Lyra is the Ram.

The Ram is Aries[...]

Whew! Like I said - circuitous.
The p. unit is an Aries. Just to close the loop.

transitions, again. patience is *not* my middle name...

Still not sure exactly which 'reading' fits, but the various versions of 'transition' and 'rebirth' cards seem apropos. Here's an image I like, with the accompanying interpretation:

The Initiation card may mark the passage from one state to a new one [...]A spiritual initiation also marks a state of new consciousness, the dawning of spiritual awareness and joy. This is a card of balance and harmony derived from working with sympathetic people in a relationship of equal give and take.

Text and image from http://www.llewellyn.com/.

Eight of Cups from the same deck echoes the theme:

The Eight of Cups talks about the necessity of letting something go. This is the beginning of a change that is necessary to bring something new and fresh into your life, a turning point in your life that will bring you new friends and experiences

searching.

I keep searching the cards, sifting through images and interpretations, looking for something that *feels* right. Came across one just now that tells me (I *think*?) where ♥ may fit in my life:

http://www.llewellyn.com/
(emphasis mine - also, not crazy about the image):

The Knight of Discs may appear in your life in the shape of a young man who will set for you an example of the virtues of

hard work, patience, and gentleness.

As a friend or a lover he is faithful and dependable.
He is, however, rather intolerant of impractical people.

Rose

from the Morgan Greer Fool card.

White represents the purity of the goal, and thus its worthiness; faith in the goal is beautiful, like unto the rose itself. The thorns represent the need to balance faith with reason, caution, good sense.

I think it means: Trust your heart.

I *hate* people who continually compete for

'most busy and important.' HATE them.

the Death of Miss Goody.

Her Two Shoes no longer tap, trippingly, along my mental corridors.

Along with her? I had da boyz take out the Evil Twins, "You Shoulda" and "Whatsamattayou."

And their quivering cousin, Yellow.

the Fool and Judgment.

From http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/judgement.shtml (bolds mine):

As the Fool leaves the garden of the Sun, he feels that he is near the end of his journey, ready to take a final step. But something is keeping him from doing this, holding him back. He gazes up, hoping to find guidance from the Sun; instead he sees above him a fiery angel, beautiful and terrible.

"You are right," the Angelic figure confirms, "you have only one last step on your journey, one final step to completion. But you cannot take that step until you lay your past to rest." The Fool is perturbed. "Lay it to rest? I thought I'd left it behind, all of it," he says. "There is no way to do that," The Angel observes.

"Each step wears down the shoe just a bit, and so shapes the next step you take, and the next and the next. Your past is always under your feet. You cannot hide from it, run from it, or rid yourself of it.

But you can call it up, and come to terms with it. Are you willing to do that?"

The Angel hands the Fool a small trumpet. The Fool is hesitant, but he knows that this is a final decision. Either to go forward, or stay where he is. He blows, and the trumpet's song echoes across the sky, its vibrations seeming to crack open the Earth. From under the Fool's feet, memories rise. Images of his innocent youth, challenges, loves, failures, losses, success, disillusionment and wisdom.

For the first time, he does not try to leave them, ignore or forget them, but accepts them. They are, he sees, nothing to fear. They happened, but they are gone now. He, alone, carries them into the present. With that understanding, the memories vanish. Though they remain in his mind, they no longer have any power over him. He is free of them, reborn, and wholly in the present.

***
With Fire as its ruling element (or Pluto as its ruling planet), Judgement is about rebirth, resurrection. The idea of Judgement day is that the dead rise, their sins are forgiven, and they move onto heaven. The Judgement card is similar, it asks for the resurrection to summon the past, forgive it, and let it go. There are wounds from the past that we never let heal, sins we've committed that we refuse to forgive, bad habits we haven't the courage to lose. Judgement advises us to finally face these, recognize that the past is past, and put them to rest, absolutely and irrevocably. This is also a card of healing, quite literally from an accident or illness, as well as a card signaling great transformation, renewal, change.

From a golfer named Nancy Lopez:

"Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever."

?

Judgment card, comments from tarot.com:

Judgment

What has traditionally been known as the Judgement card, sometimes entitled Resurrection, represents the great reunion that the ancients believed would happen once in every age. This was the time when souls are harvested and taken Home to their place of origin, outside the solar system. Then the World is seeded with a batch of new souls and the process starts over.

From a modern point of view, this great reunion -- which includes every personality that you have ever been and every soul that you have done deep work with -- reunites to consciously complete the process. In a way, we symbolically celebrate this returning to center every year on our birthday.

In personal terms, the Judgment cards points to freedom from inner conflicts, and so clear a channel, that the buried talents and gifts of past incarnations can come through an individual in this lifetime. This card counsels you to trust the process of opening yourself, because what emerges is of consistently high quality. You can effortlessly manifest as a multi-dimensional being, and assist in evoking that response from others.

Can't find a card I like, so no image for now. They all seem too - old testament, or something. Maybe have to find a random one.

Knight of Pentacles, from Rider Waite Smith deck.

Attributions, from top to bottom:
Two of pentacles, Crystal Tarot
Two of wands, Lovers' Path
Nine of pentacles, Morgan Greer
Virgo, Palladini
Two of wands, Morgan Greer
Four of Wands, Shadowscapes Tarot

the clanging garbage can lid of self-derision.

It's like somebody hits me on the head repeatedly with one of those old metal garbage can lids - "Clang! Clang! Bang! Smash!"

"ExcUUUSE me, I'm tryna THINK here, goddammit!" I scream in frustration.

Helpful image this morning? When the negative thoughts attack with their 'clanging garbage can lids,' HIT the fuckers AS HARD AS I CAN with my big cartoon mallet.

SPLAT! Smash 'em FLAT! Take THAT!

Hah. :-)

seek people who believe in *needs*.

ESCHEW people who *clearly* were brought up in families that taught shame and submission. It's not their *fault*, yes? but *you* are NOT responsible for their 'healing'. If they *ask*? Feel free. You have my 'permission' :-)

But it is not *necessary*. You are not *required* to do this just because you can.

Yes, there *is* the saying: "From each according to her ability, *to* each according to her need."

Well - but it's not a 'directive', is it? A command?

Prefer the Pirates' Code here - more of a *guideline* than a rule.

There - middle path found. Whew! Close call.

:-)

assuming the worst.

Gotta stop *doing* that!

The phone rings? First thing(s) that pass through my head are: All the people who *might* be upset with me for something I haven't done yet.

Then I see the phone number? Unless its for *sure* someone I know *doesn't* have any gripe with me? I *still* go down the list of "what did I fuck up *this* time?"

People *say* that comes from how you were brought up - but I wonder how much of it is innate human tendency? Or some kind of personality trait. Maybe goes along with the sensitivity, which *may* have actually been triggered by prenatal and post-natal stress - the whole 'body awash with stress hormones' coupled with a non-responsive, emotionally clingy/intrusive mother, could scare the *shit* (literally? :-) out of a newborn, who might actually just want to crawl right back *in* the womb and never come out. Blanky over head and all that. I *still* contend that my mother's stress was why it took 36 hours for me to be born - sensible little infant that I was? I wanted to stay in*side* where it was warm and cozy, and not be subjected to that woman's *insane* level of insecurity.

There, I said it.

seek people who engage *fully*.

Those who watch passively from the sidelines? No room in the inn.

i will be your sun, if you will be

my moon.

Sometimes I feel the life around me
like a tide

pulling

wanting

needing

Like a million babies, all crying
at once.

***
There's only one of me.
I cannot feed them all!

But the noise, the sheer *noise* of all this unmet need -

Choose.

One. And *only* one.

And when you two? have built something so solid, so strong, that you can use it as a springboard, a trampoline, to bounce each other high into the air?

Then can you open your doors wide
and welcome the rest.

But alone?

You CANnot. You MUST not.

Wait.
Bide.
Patience.

guidance: seeking the 'inner angel' of truth.

From Osho Zen tarot:









***
I am questioning the 'assumptions' of the previous image - flower - the 'flower', like the lily of the field, has no 'intention' - it merely *is*.

So this assertion of - what - "have the courage to" - seems comparable to the same Western bullshit idea of 'control' that I've been battling all along. Ack! It seeps in everywhere, even in 'no mind' places.

SO:

The flower 'intends' not; it merely IS.

The *conditions* for its growth are paramount:

Soil
sun
water.

And, in a *perfect* world?

Someone to tend to it.

To remove the weeds from its path.

But in any case: 'Intention' has nothing to do with it.

All we can do is remove obstacles - to our thinking, our feeling, our 'be'-ing.

Scales from eyes and all that.

Maybe the following image (also from Osho Zen tarot) catches it better:
From Osho's comments on the card:

The veil of illusion, or maya, that has been keeping you from perceiving reality as it is, is starting to burn away. The fire is not the heated fire of passion, but the cool flame of awareness. As it burns the veil, the face of a very delicate and childlike buddha becomes visible.

The awareness that is growing in you now is not the result of any conscious "doing", nor do you need to struggle to make something happen. Any sense you might have had that you've been groping in the dark is dissolving now, or will be dissolving soon. Let yourself settle, and remember that deep inside you are just a witness, eternally silent, aware and unchanged.

the flower.

From Osho zen tarot:

Courage

The seed cannot know what is going to happen, the seed has never known the flower. And the seed cannot even believe that he has the potentiality to become a beautiful flower. Long is the journey, and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed.

Nothing can be guaranteed. Thousand and one are the hazards of the journey, many are the pitfalls - and the seed is secure, hidden inside a hard core. But the seed tries, it makes an effort; it drops the hard shell which is its security, it starts moving. Immediately the fight starts: the struggle with the soil, with the stones, with the rocks. And the seed was very hard and the sprout will be very, very soft and dangers will be many.

There was no danger for the seed, the seed could have survived for millennia, but for the sprout many are the dangers. But the sprout starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the source of light, not knowing where, not knowing why. Great is the cross to be carried, but a dream possesses the seed and the seed moves.

The same is the path for man. It is arduous. Much courage will be needed.

Commentary:

This card shows a small wildflower that has met the challenge of the rocks and stones in its path to emerge into the light of day. Surrounded by an aura of bright golden light, it exposes the majesty of its tiny self. Unashamed, it is equal to the brightest sun.

When we are faced with a very difficult situation we have a choice: we can either be resentful, and try to find somebody or something to blame for the hardships, or we can face the challenge and grow.

The flower shows us the way, as its passion for life leads it out of the darkness and into the light. There is no point fighting against the challenges of life, or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there, and if the seed is to become the flower we must go through them. Be courageous enough to grow into the flower you are meant to be.

jumping off.

There's a great image from Osho zen called 'Trust' that *exactly* captures how I've been feeling for some time now: That I just have to JUMP, and

(right at this *very* moment
song lyrics trying to come in on brain radio - wait -
oh, jeez! *slightly embarrassed grin* here -

it's

"The other day
(Echo: "the other day,")
I met a bear
(I met a bear)
In tennis shoes
(in tennis shoes)
A dandy pair
(a dandy pair...)

The other day I met a bear,
In tennis shoes, a dandy pair."

It goes on like that. For a *loooooooooong* time.

And if you *get* to this verse, there's one where the bear's about to get her, and the only place she can go is this high tree branch that she's pretty sure she can't reach.

"The nearest branch,
(the nearest branch)
Is ten feet up.
(is ten feet up.)
I'll have to jump
(I'll have to jump)
And trust to luck
(and trust to luck.)

"The nearest branch is ten feet up,
I'll have to jump and trust to luck."

"So I did jump...
Into the air.
And I missed that branch
Away up there.

"Now don't you fret
Now don't you frown.
'Cause I caught that branch,
On the way back down!"

"The moral is,
No shocking news.
Don't talk to bears
In tennis shoes!"

I *love* that song :-)


Anyway, so, the point?

I have to jump
And trust to luck.


Here's that image from Osho zen:

The Sun.

The Sun (Life) from Quest tarot.

sun; awakening.

From Gaian tarot:

protecting self.

My family seemed to *believe* in suffering - in fact, one of my dad's favorite phrases was, "Suffering builds character."

Yeah, right.


*I* prefer to think of it like this:

consider lily: she toils not; neither does she spin.
she is BEAUTIFUL
just as she IS.

:-)


(As I understand it, 'lily' originally meant something like, 'wildflowers', meaning, the untended flowers of the fields, who were beautiful 'just as they were'. Something more like wild poppies than modern-day, cultivated lilies.)

patience.

From Osho Zen tarot:

words affect thoughts.

Maturity from Osho Zen tarot, http://www.osho.com/






IN wanting to 'catch' my thoughts as they pass through, and 'tweak' them so that any with 'negative' spin get - re-spun? so that they are warm and fuzzy instead of cold and prickly -

I've become *really* aware of every slightest possible negative nuance of everything I hear and read and think.

Sometimes I discover it's an interpretation the speaker or writer didn't intend; in which case, it's easier to let it go.

But there seems to be an underlying habit of judgment in our culture (maybe all cultures?) and it seems to me that it's high time to learn to do things differently.

I keep thinking of the line from Hamlet, "Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." (emphasis mine).

***
The thing is, nothing is *intrinsically* bad - the death of the wildebeest is bad for her and her dependents; but for the lion who eats her? It's good! No more hungry lion, at least for today.

And it's *all* like that - it's all a matter of perspective, of where you're standing when you tell the story, as to what spin you are able to give it.

The trick with *humans* is that we *depend* on each other and are tribal, story-telling creatures who make sense of our Universe by how we *describe* it as much as, if not more than, by our actual, physical, tangible experience of it.

So: Words matter!

So this Tarot thing, and the I Ching thing ( :-) are ways to 're-frame' my thinking, to give me 'positive' ways to look at and think about things, to help me move forward in my life.

Like seeing 'mess' and 'chaos' (which, at least to *me*, are words that tend to have 'negative' connotations) instead as 'fertile breeding grounds' for something new to grow - kind of like compost: That big, messy, often smelly, wormy mass of black muck can produce the most *gorgeous* blooms you've ever seen on your roses or what have you.

So.

The cards help me 'pull up' to the surface what I'm thinking and feeling, and give 'names' to those things, and from there, to *recognize* so-called 'negative' patterns, and help myself 'spin' them to something more positive.

For example, in a couple of recent 'readings', I pulled the King of Wands card several times in a row, and the particular deck I was looking at had a negative, nasty interpretation that I didn't like. So I hunted around til I found a better one.

:-)

An image from http://lynnehoppe.blogspot.com/ which seems apropos because the title is 'only a non-ambitious [person] can remain in the present':

infinite bliss :-)

Another gorgeous card from Triple Goddess Tarot:

Hexagram 46: Pushing Upward. Yay, spring! :-) Also: Ace of Wands.

From tarot.com:

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

The forces of growth in springtime demonstrate advancement, as new life pushes upward through the earth's crust, and the sap is rising. The emphasis is on upward motion, from obscurity to influence, with growth fostered by adaptability and the absence of opposition. Constant, flexible growth is the key attribute of a plant pushing upwards. This reading suggests a period of new promotion and prosperity in your life.

A wise person, in harmony with fate, is sensitive but determined. Make a sincere effort to apply resolute effort. Break through inertia, and good fortune will follow. By remaining flexible and tolerant, you will be able to retain the kind of conscious innocence that fuels growth and advancement. Will power and self-control are necessary to manage this growth skillfully, but the natural enthusiasm of the life force is behind everything.

From Triple Goddess tarot deck, from http://www.ishalerner.com/home/is1/page/426/6:


Also, interesting comments on Ace of Wands from
http://www.tarotteachings.com/ace-of-wands-tarot-card-meaning.html:

Key symbols to the ace of wands Tarot card meanings:

Clouds: [C]louds deal with ambiguity, mystery, and things hidden. Most renditions of this card depict a hand holding a flaming torch thrust out suddenly from the clouds. This is symbolic of our ideas or energy coming out of the hidden places of our psyche and into the light of day. Clouds often deal with hidden agendas that might be keeping us in a holding pattern. They may also indicate underlying beliefs that hold us back from our being our brightest selves.

Rivers: River symbol meanings deal with motion, direction, and the flow of our thoughts as well as our lives. When the river in the ace of wands Tarot card flows into our psychic vision it is a message that we must consider the direction we are taking in our lives. Specifically, since the ace of wands deals with passion and energy, we may want to consider where our actions are taking us. Take the time to reassess your goals and be confident you are heading in the life direction you desire.

Mountains: Mountains deal with challenges, acquisition, accomplishment and aspirations[...]as we climb them, each step brings us closer to our highest point.

This highest point, the top of the mountain, can be a spiritual goal, physical goal, or anything else that we aspire to reach. The mountain is unbending, and inflexible. This makes it a reminder that only we can change how we deal with challenges (because the mountain certainly isn't going to change for us). This being the case, we can embrace the lessons we gain as we take on the challenge of the mountain.
[...]
These symbols tell a story about our life path. It's been a tough road, with challenges and perhaps some wrong turns. We've even felt alone in our path from time to time.

But dawn has broken, and the light of our internal fortitude has broken through the dim haze of our vision. We are now re-energized. Our victory is at hand, and our persistence is now rewarded.

The ace of wands Tarot card meaning is all about taking our internal creative fire and holding it out far all the world to see. Now is our time to spread our warmth, passion, and vision to others. Now is our time to shine as beacons unto the world.

wrapping the baby.

I was going to say, 'in swaddling clothes,' but it turns out that doesn't mean what I *thought* it meant.

So: Keep her warm. RESPOND to her needs, *instantly*. HELP her. Take CARE of her.

LOVE her :-)

***
Starting point: Jumping around a way to keep brain occupied?

If you grew up, as I did, using your brain almost like a ‘muscle’ to hang on, literally, for dear life, in a world (family) that didn’t meet *any* of your emotional needs –

If you hung on for dear life as a way to damp out the incessant TERROR

of being abandoned

of being left alone (emotionally) [and? it’s *worse* to be ‘with’ someone physically who is emotionally absent, than to be alone]

of being unseen
unheard
unappreciated
unknown
not understood.

So my theory: As I got older, I began to read *obsessively*. Anything, no matter what, was fair game – cereal boxes, stupid magazines, *anything* to keep my mind from exploring that empty cavity where a LOVING RELATIONSHIP should be.

Now? After all this work?

I’m actually *past* that, somehow – like this big hole in the sidewalk that tugs at me with magnetic force,

yet

I DIDN’T FALL IN!!!!!

Yay, Grasshopper!!!!! :-)

But.

There’s still work to do.

I’m cold, *all* the time. Physically. Have been, for as long as I can remember. Need external heat source – huddle by heaters, sit on top of heat vents – known for it, by anyone who’s known me for any length of time.

Used to think maybe I was part cat (?) kidding – but, really? Only ‘happy’ when warm, or, very best? curled up in the sun somewhere.

My current conclusion (and have felt this way about it for a long, long time)

is that I need someone to HOLD me, LOVE me, in ways my parents never did.

For an adult woman in a male-dominated society?

Well, I’ll tell you, it’s tough.

Because it always becomes sexual, and that’s the *last* thing I need.

So: In the last few days I’ve become aware of it all fitting together, of getting down to that rock-bottom, core, *essential* layer of ‘self’ that’s curled up alone, afraid, and colder than *shit*. Shivering.

But? The FEAR is disappearing. Like a tide slowly ebbing away,

I’ve found ways to ‘stay with it’, with a little help from my friends :-), and an *incredible* amount of resourcefulness on *my* part, (for which I duly thank the Universe for giving me the gifts I have that allow me to do this!)

And now, there’s the little baby, born on a cold winter’s day in February, to a terrified, emotionally (and financially?) ill-equipped mother (quite a common scenario, I’m sure).

She’s shivering before she’s even born, her tiny body flooded with fear hormones.

Her pattern is initiated – but *now*?

We go back,

and gently calm,
and soothe
her.

Little one.

And we talk her down
from the high cradle
on the bare branch

we *protect* her
from the icy wind.

We wrap her in warm blankets
feed her hot soup,
hold her tight.

We tell her: We will NEVER leave you alone again, little one.

And we seek people who *understand* the need for connection,

and ESCHEW those who DO NOT.

Brighid, earth mother, strength:

Image of stained glass piece by Gail Donovan
From http://www.orderwhitemoon.org/goddess/Brighid.html.

Also from this website, an invocation:

I call upon the strength of the Earth,
The vitality of the Sun,
And the life force within me!

Power flows through my body.

It purges and purifies all that is harmful.
It imbues every cell of my body with radiant health.
Strength and beauty shine through me.

I honor my body.
I shape my body.
I nourish my body with good food and good thoughts.

My mind and body are in harmony,
And I shall be whole and healthy!
So it is, and so shall it be!

Power!!!!! bwahahahaaaaaa... :-)

Thoughts about Queen of Wands from various commenters in a discussion group here
http://www.tarotforum.net/showthread.php?t=95240:

"A CROWNED queen with long red-golden hair, seated upon a Throne, with steady flames beneath. She wears a corslet and buskins of scale-mail, which latter her robe discloses. Her arms are almost bare. On cuirass and buskins are leopard's heads winged, and the same symbol surmounteth her crown. At her side is a couchant leopard on which her hands rest. She bears a long wand with a very heavy conical head. The face is beautiful and resolute.
Adaptability, steady force applied to an object, steady rule, great attractive power, power of command, yet liked notwithstanding. Kind and generous when not opposed."~Grigori

"The Queen is seated above a ground that is alive with constant flames. She has gold-red hair which flows like a lion's mane. Her right hand grasps a Fire Wand like that of the Zelator Adeptus Minor, while her left hand touches the head of a leopard, her personal emblem. The wand alludes to the force of her WILL, which controls and directs the Fire energy represented by the feral cat."~Aeon418

"Perhaps the queen has resisted the impulse to tame the beautiful wildthing and has chosen to learn from it rather than try to control it."~Always Wondering

"In a reading: You or a person involved is full of energy, determination, and decisiveness. She is a good leader and can get people to follow her. Beware of riding roughshod over people, as in 'my way or the highway.' And beware of burnout that could lead to manic outbursts or depression."~rachelcat

Hope :-)

something I want.

Ace of Fawns.

Ace of Earth

The Ace of Earth shows a newborn fawn nestled up against the base of a red cedar, surrounded by the unfolding spirals of young fiddlehead ferns.

Deer are common yet magical animals, who have the reputation of being able to lead one into the Otherworld. Grown stags symbolize virility and strength, as well as the wildness of the woods. Of the four creatures depicted in the Aces, only Fawn stays close to home for the first few days after birth, where its mother nurses it frequently.

Divinatory Meanings: The birth of new strength, grace and stability. Manifestation in the physical world. A strong bond between mother and children. The spiral path between the physical world and the Otherworld begins to unfold. Roots run deep.

From Gaian Tarot.

Daughter of Cups.

From Quest tarot deck.

freedom within love.

Abundance (a bun dance?): Ten of Pentacles.

Ten of Coins in the "Self" Position

The inheritor of prestige and influence is also required to meet certain obligations.

The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now.

With the Ten of Coins in this position, you are the proper inheritor of a family tradition or ethic that makes you an important person in your community. This underlying heritage may have so thoroughly permeated your history and development that you have gone to special lengths to be distinct from it, to avoid becoming swallowed by it.

Living up to this legacy can feel like a burden, but it is yours to bear both literally and karmically and it would be wrong to reject it. Obviously this situation provides you with stability and security, but it also creates special obligations. Maturity and sobriety are great allies to a person who has been given so much in terms of money, education, skills or responsibilities.

gratitude: Nine of Cups.

Nine of Cups in the "Self" Position

You can revel in a bounty of psychic and emotional rewards. Your heart is full.

The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now.

When the Nine of Cups comes up in this position, you are finally where you had hoped and dreamed to be. You are savoring a sense of fulfillment, peace and joy from having achieved your goal. Now you can also look forward to a window of relief from worry, anxiety, and fear.

This card indicates healing, great pleasure, and a sense of vindication. It feels as if you are a wanted child in an opportune and abundant universe. It's well worth the labors you had to go through to enjoy this feeling of satisfaction. Your heart is full of gratitude.

sorting.

There is an ongoing, sort of subterranean thing going on in my gut, where I'm sorting the good from the bad - what to keep, what to throw out. And, in the process? training myself to 'choose' better in the future - to know what I need, and to leave the rest. Wheat from chaff.

:-)

Ok, this is a copyrighted image, but I'm using it as today's Tiger Tarot because - well, it best captures what I'm feeling at the moment.

Courage reading: Strength; The Moon; and King of Cups.

Strength in the "Self" Position

You maintain high expectations of conduct, with self-restraint and inner composure.

The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now.

The Strength card in this position compliments your ability to sublimate emotionality, impulsiveness and instinctive urges. This is a taming force which raises behavior standards and models higher levels of composure, grounding and centering. In this card's image, a female figure with a lion shows the power of intuition at work.

This is a subtle sensual, telepathic ability that can transmit non-verbal signals and evoke an appropriate response. The Strength card signifies a superior energy that neutralizes conflict and ushers in harmony and cooperation.

The Moon in the "Situation" Position

Stay fluid. Refuse to believe that you are sure of anything.

The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.

When the Moon is in this position, the leadership of your world may have collapsed and fallen in on itself. Nothing may be as it seems. All around you are people suffering from delusions, claiming that their myths are legitimate and absolute. Battle lines are being drawn. It may be best to slink into the shadows and wait this situation out.

If you feel compelled to navigate this landscape, stay in the light as much as you can, taking a middle course and avoiding extremes. In this situation, whatever could possibly happen is likely to. Stay alert and you can avoid getting pulled into any vortexes.

King of Cups in the "Challenges/ Opportunities" Position

Evoke the wise elder to help you lift yourself above problems and worries.

The card that lands in the Challenges/Opportunities position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

When the King of Cups is in this position, you are challenged to find the wise, kind and spiritual part of yourself. Bring this mature king energy forward so you can evoke, direct or support the education or healing that is needed. Use forgiveness to help yourself and others lift out of sorrow, shame or unfinished business, reassuring all, including yourself, as to how precious they are.

This King of Cups is akin to a pope: he bestows blessings, benedictions and absolutions. He helps people heal by reminding them of their inherent nobility. As you discover and activate this inner king, lend moral support to those around you. In doing so, you will benefit as well.

From tarot.com - bolds mine.

tao of p'u :-)

From http://www.just-pooh.com/tao.html:

Over the centuries Taoism classic teachings were developed and divided into philosophical, monastic, and folk religious forms. All of these could be included under the general heading of Taoism.

But the basic Taoism is simply a particular way of appreciating, learning from, and working with whatever happens in everyday life. From the Taoist point of view, the natural result of this harmonious way of living is happiness.

One of the basic principles of Taoism is P'U, the Uncarved Block.

The essence of the Uncarved Block is that things in their original simplicity contain their own natural power, power that is easily spoiled and lost when that simplicity is changed. This principle applies not only to things, but to people as well. Or Bears.

Which brings us to Pooh, the very Epitome of the Uncarved Block. When you discard arrogance, complexity, and a few, other things that get in the way, sooner or later you will discover that simple, childlike, and mysterious secret known to those of the Uncarved Block: Life is Fun.

Along with that comes the ability to do things spontaneously and have them work, odd as that may appear to others at times. As Piglet put it in 'Winnie-the-Pooh', "Pooh hasn't much Brain, but he never comes to any harm. He does silly things and they turn out right."

wu way.

THE WU WAY

Wu-wei is the Taoist expression for the power of positive not-thinking.

It is the action in non-action, the knowing in not-knowing, the something in nothing, the doing in not-doing. Wu-wei is the strength of a willow in a wind storm, the resistance in yielding.

It is t’ai chi. Wu-wei is following the way of water, the way of wind. It is not the absence of action, but it is the absence of trying. Wind is never still, but it has no intention. Water ever seeks its own level, but not on purpose.

Wu-wei: The balance point of being and doing.

THE POOH WAY

Literally, Wu Wei means “without doing, causing, or making.”

But practically speaking, it means without meddlesome, combative, or egotistical effort. It seems rather significant that the character Wei developed from the symbols for a clawing hand and a monkey, since the term Wu Wei means no going against the nature of things; no clever tampering; no Monkeying Around.

The efficiency of Wu Wei is like that of water flowing over and around the rocks in its path — not the mechanical, straight-line approach that usually ends up short-circuiting natural laws, but one that evolves from an inner sensitivity to the natural rhythm of things.

~ From The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff

it's also possible

that *none* of it matters - whether you believe in Tarot, or divination, or little green men, or Flying Spaghetti Monsters - maybe every single one of them is a - substitute? or maybe just a coping mechanism?

for the uncertainty of life.

I mean, really, *how* can you actually 'embrace' chaos????

Yeah, uncertainty principles. Brownian motion. Klein bottles. Trying to wrap one's mind around that which is, ultimately, incomprehensible.

The zen folks may have the most straightforward approach, really, at least, as far as I understand it: Just hang on for the ride. Do nothing. Simply: Be.

After all, what other choice do we really have?

All these 'belief systems' are the equivalent of a snuggly teddy bear to get us through the night.

In this respect I kind of prefer the I Ching, the Book of Changes, which simply suggests what is *possible*, and tries to remind us of the likely cycles of life - feast following famine and vice versa.

I think, if one uses it the way a wise leader might to gather and allocate her resources, possibly, at best, it helps one keep a relatively balanced perspective.

Which is right back to wu wei again.

grasshopper's interpretation of previous.

I think the Eight of Wands represents why I feel so exhausted: My 'internal growth' work is paying off in spades!

And: It's easy to become overwhelmed by the sense of possibility and just stand here turning round and round in circles without ever actually *choosing* anything. I think that's why I keep doing more readings: Looking for clues, *any*thing, that will help clarify things.

I think I have to be patient. Which is *hard*, because I feel like I've set my whole *life* on the 'back burner' while I sorted all this stuff out over lo these many, *many* years.

But I just *have* to 'let go', as best I can. Rest.

***
Also, when I'm 'out in the world'? I feel *pulled*, constantly, by what seem like 'opposing forces' - I feel as if *someone's* expecting me to 'choose' - between what and what, I'm not sure. It's a feeling like being expected to - take sides?

I don't like it, I know that! I've often resisted that, the 'triangulation' thing, the 'consolidate my power so that I can be stronger than this other person over *here*' thing. Though sometimes I get sucked in.

So, here? I guess it's being suggested, by the Two of Swords? Or the Universe?

That I mind my own dang business, remain neutral, and not get involved.

Because, truly? I *need* every drop of energy I can dredge up for my*self*. Once again, 'no effort', or 'wu wei'.

***
The Ten of Cups suggests 'victory', and many rewards to be reaped therefrom.

I'm so exhausted I can't really *see* that, yet, and need some *tangible* evidence.

I sense that *relationships* are beginning, slowly, to bear fruit, like the tiny, new green shoots I see poking up through the leaves these days. And this is *great*, since it's what I've been working on hardest of all!

Future path reading: Eight of Wands, Two of Swords, Ten of Cups.

Eight of Wands in the "Self" Position

Accelerating change and growth challenge you to keep up with what you are creating in your life.

The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now.

When the Eight of Wands is in this position, take some time to stand back like a skillful gardener to marvel at the rate things are growing. This card has a powerful association with accelerating new growth and the unleashing of a evolutionary process that has far reaching, profound effects.

As you contemplate how swiftly things are developing, you will become concerned less about outcome and more about just keeping up. As your endeavor matures, it has the potential to absorb your attention, exceed your expectations and fulfill your vision. The challenge is to follow through and nurture the abundance you are creating, which seems to have a life of its own.

Two of Swords in the "Situation" Position

Resist any impulse to judge or blame others, or to adopt an us versus them attitude. Stay open to new information.

The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.

With the Two of Swords in this position, people around you may be splitting into separate camps, engaging in disputes, and jumping to judgmental conclusions. This is not an encouraging trend. The result could be a division between people that creates a polarized situation. If you want to improve things, be sure to stay clear of taking any one's side.

Ten of Cups in the "Challenges/ Opportunities" Position

You know in your heart that you have done what is best for all concerned.

The card that lands in the Challenges/Opportunities position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

With the Ten of Cups in this position, let yourself relax, knowing your labors are completed. The worst is over and a much-improved future lies ahead. You are moving forward to a life which is very different from the one you inherited. You know that your heroic effort has made a real difference in the way things are now unfolding. Even if you don't receive all the recognition you have earned, a solid core of self-esteem is now your permanent possession. You did the right thing under challenging circumstances; you kept the greater good in mind. Knowing this produces feelings of personal gratification. Now you can lay this situation to rest and learn to live in a totally new way.

Divination.

It just occurred to me that maybe I use these card readings as a way to give me 'positive' thoughts to replace the critical voices that I'm still in the process of re-training.

It's getting *almost* automatic to over-write the negative 'scripts', but sometimes I still need a little help. Which is ok. And I'm not sure why I should feel the need to explain myself on my own blog! Except, someone stumbling in here might wonder.

I think I've explained it before, but what it *really* is, to me, this whole 'divination' thing, whether you use the coins with the I Ching (or yarrow stalks, if you can *find* any :-) or get a Tarot deck or make your *own* divination system? To me it's all just a way of getting in touch with what your intuition is already telling you - we all, I *think*, tend to put whatever 'spin' on it (the interpretation, that is) that best fits our personal needs of the moment.

We see what we *need* to see, in other words. Whatever it is that helps us along our path.

Good card(s)

Three of Wands
I will give this one my *own* interpretation:

New growth, which is the image I was looking for a couple of posts back.

Maybe I'll add yet *another* image from my collection to represent it as well:













Not sure what this particular image has to do with anything, except I *like* it :-).

And it seems, somehow, *hopeful* to me - forward motion, swimming through the bright blue water.

(Aside to self: Hm, water symbolism, with the heron, the swimming tiger, and the turtle. Water in chinese symbology = second chakra and relationships. Interesting.)

Control? and power, of course.

It only took me - what - eight posts/layers? to get to the bottom of this one today. And about six hours.

Well, at least I *got* there! Eventually :-)

Attempting to sum up: When I don't trust somebody (such as my neighbor, and the guy who helps my landlady) to have my best interests at heart? There's this little (or big) part of me that becomes *consumed* with fending off their ill-considered, careless actions that are likely to have some negative impact on me with which I'll have to deal later, sometimes after much damage has been done, sometimes after it's 'too late'.

Now, on *writing* that, I realize that, to some degree, my approach is quite sensible: Instead of just letting them (neighbors, etc.) do whatever the hell they want and cleaning up the mess later? I intervene up front and make *sure* my viewpoint is heard, and get enough information from them about the where and when of their plans so that I can *intercept* them before they fuck something up beyond repair.

Because it's this 'crash and burn' approach that so many people seem to take, this sort of 'frontal attack' that seems to be

You, know, I've read about this a *lot*.

One of the things that came up in the 'scapegoat' reading yesterday was the idea that the person selected as scapegoat is *much* stronger than the people trying to take her down.

Is this true?

Am *I* really seen as a threat, somehow?

But all I do is sit here and mind my own business!

I'm not out there all day, every day trying to encroach on *other* people's space and 'take' what's theirs - I leave them alone, why can't they leave *me* alone? Christ on a *crutch*.

I can't get my mind over, under, around or through it, no way, no how. I just cannot 'get' how 'they' think (or, whatever it is they do that they *call* thinking.)

Maybe I should just stop trying. Keep a baseball bat and a heavy golf club by the front door, and just casually have one of the things up on my shoulder when I answer the door to an unknown caller.

"Ehhhhhh, batta batta batta, sah-WING, batta!"
(from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.)

feeling overly responsible for outcomes/interactions.

When I google this phrase?

I get a bunch of Adult Children of Alcoholics links.

Go figure - my mom's dad was an alcoholic (verbally abusive); my mom was teetotal (still is, far's I know).

Brothers? Both drink like fish.

Me? Can't really handle the stuff - a little now and then goes a long way, mostly it just makes me feel ill. And no, it's not the 'guilt' - I got over *that* some years ago, thank goodness. In fact, my mom's 'over-the-top'ness about it always seemed pretty silly to me, though I respect that people gotta do what they *think* they gotta do.

***
Also, *all by myself* :-), independently, and *then* one of the Google hits, came up with the idea of 'over-responsibilty' being something a person might do when feeling 'out of control'.

Like me with the neighbor, fearing she'll retaliate in some way if I don't jump to respond to her quick enough (*she's* an alcoholic, which I'd never really witnessed up close before, as I rarely see my brothers. But all the reading I'd done on it for other reasons sort of prepared me to not only not take it personally but to deal with it pretty straight-forwardly. Whew. But I still have to *remember*: She's *not* like other people. Her brain kind of slips and slides around, and you never know *which* side is going to be 'up' at any given moment.)

It's hard to take your own needs seriously

when you've been taught that they don't matter.

Hence me *leaping* out of bed on two hours sleep - actually, I *didn't*, but being woken out of a dead sleep by someone pounding at your door in a tiny house where said door is less than twenty feet away - well, let's just say, it was hard to relax.

And I didn't know for *sure* what it was, but, given that it was so early in the morning, I *guessed* it was Annoying Neighbor to the south, wanting to know what was up with my landlord's ancient, decrepit giant van that's now hogging half our shared parking area (wide gravel space between her place and mine, can *normally* accommodate three cars across, but the van makes it pretty crowded - it's about the size of one of those handicap access vans the bus service uses.)

So I couldn't go back to sleep, and even though I wrote her a note (she'd left a note on *my* door, to which I responded with *another* note, since she wasn't home when I knocked, later), I still feel 'guilty', because the thing hasn't been fully resolved. I *hate* the feeling of 'waiting for the other shoe to drop', always have. In fact I tend to *push* things to a resolution just because I so dread unknown outcomes. (now, is that a trust issue or what? who knows.)

Anyway.

Once my mind gets on one of these 'guilt' tracks? It seems really hard to get it out of the rut, and I just keep churning and churning away at all the shoulda coulda woulda thoughts that roll around in my *gut* and almost *literally* make me sick to my stomach until I find a resolution.

So I'm seeking the resolution, which in *this* case seems to be some kind of mental thing, since all the *outward* actions have already been taken.

And *meddling* in other peoples' business as a distraction is *not* going to help.

So I won't do it any more. Or, I'll *try* not to. Being human (or chitinous :-) and all.

Ahh. Letting green chitinous self off hook. Relaxing.

:-)

Now need *cheerful* image:

I want to not squander my energy

on revenge or non-productive behavior.

I want to focus, when I'm *able* to focus, on things that matter to *me*.

Growth!

Green, grasshopper, GROWTH.

FORWARD motion!

Maybe it's time to scrounge up card Two of my own personal tarot. Let's go see what's in the image files.

just turned up the Death card.

Which typically means: Letting go of the past; re-birth. But some *old* part of you must die in order to let the new thing grow - I'm thinking of  how, on perennials, if you don't cut the old, dead growth off the plants in spring when the new green stuff starts showing, then the plant doesn't grow very well - the old stuff gets in the way.

But usually I wait til the new green stuff is actually *showing* before cutting away the old stuff.

In *my* case? What's the new green stuff *look* like? Would I even *recognize* it?

I wish I had a *reflection* from somewhere - a friend who could *see* this new growth of green. A 'gardener' type who'd tend to me properly, and help me *see* what's happening, and what I need to do (or *not* do!) next.

Also, I got woken up out of a dead sleep by somebody pounding on my door this morning, after only two hours of sleep, in the middle of a really good dream which I couldn't catch hold of.

My heart's been pounding ever since - can't seem to unwind once the adrenaline gets pumping.

Argh.

I keep feeling as if I am 'called forth' to do battle

on behalf of various people who seem unable to take up their own cause for various reasons.

Is this just the old 'training' speaking, of taking care of my mother for so many years?

Is it something innate to this here grasshopper-ish type being?

Do I need to *stop* it? or *worry* about it?

I think part of the whole thing with the cards and the hex's &c is me looking for a sign, an indicator, from *any*where, that it's ok for me to rest now.

I just turned up the Four of Swords for the I-don't-know-how-many-th time, which gives *exactly* that message: Rest. Renew. Gather strength.

It's just - there's something I feel I'm supposed to be *doing*, and time slips away ever faster.

Yet, I have no problem resting when I can get that mental 'switch' into a certain position - when I've checked off all my 'duties'.

But right now is such a moment - I've jumped all the hurdles, I *could* rest.

It's just this feeling that if *I* don't take care of whatever it is, it won't get taken care of, and will fall apart and disintegrate to dust.

I think what bugs me

is the protestations of innocence.

I mean, *none* of us are innocent in *any* of this, right? It *always* takes two to tango.

So when I see somebody claiming the 'moral high ground', as if *they've* never done anything wrong - well, my nose gets a bit out of joint. Probably because it reminds me of my *family*, who couldn't admit to a flaw or failure if their very lives depended on it...

*man* am I struggling with this 'holier than thou' shit.

I feel caught in the middle - a 'double bind' of some kind?

Not sure where it's coming from -

family upbringing?
Internal expectations of my very own?
Cultural expectations?
Some combination of the above?

***
Seems like it's something about - living up to your *own* expectations? but not being 'harsh' about it.

And in the process? not being critical of *others*, either. Because, really? you have *no idea* where they are along their path.

Really none of your damn business how they - execute? can't think of the word - their decisions.

***
I am *learning* how to back off.

And, in the process, *not* be bothered by 'meddlesome' folks.

cleaning my *own* house.

What do you do when you really, really really want to tell someone that they're full of shit, but, for various reasons, you realize it's not a good idea?

Do you just burn the bridge?
Bite your tongue?
Walk away?

Fume? fret? resent the *hell* out of them for 'getting away with' shit that you'd *never*, in a million years, be allowed to pull?

Ok, it's that *last* statement I'm questioning here.

First of all, who is this magical person who does the 'allowing'?

Your parents haven't been a *real* force in your life for many, many years.

You've learned to call your mother on her shit, often right on the spot (which is pretty fucking amazing, when you get down to it - I don't even want to *think* about the 'pathless track through the wilderness &c' traversed to get to this point.)

***
Your brothers? Total non-contact; bridge out. Big red warning sign reminding you not to drive on that road.

***
Now, I'm thinking that Little Brother and I had kind of a - deal? where I wouldn't be mean to him if he wasn't mean to me.

Which I *thought* was our sort of 'agreed upon' mode, until he made some comment a few years back about having to be 'so careful all the time.'

But then I observed him, and especially his wife, making verbal and emotional mincemeat out of their three small daughters at the dinner table on a regular basis.

And I recoiled - having distanced myself so far from that part of the family dynamic, I couldn't stomach it any more.

And you know what, grasshopper?

You don't *have* to 'stomach' it.

It's BAD for you.

PERIOD.

End of discussion.

If being around your family? means you, and the other people in it? have to put up with THAT LEVEL OF BULLSHIT

at EVERY interaction?

then FUCK it.

It's not worth it.

It's like you used to say: It's like somebody's asking you to eat these cookies, "Oh they're so gooood," they'll say.

And I'll say,
"But what about the arsenic?"

And they'll say, "What arsenic?"

And I'll say, "You know, that little bit of poison you put into each bite, just to keep me on edge."

They: "Oh, that's *nothing* - it won't hurt you, I eat 30 *times* that much arsenic every day and, see, I'm fine!"

Dumbfounded silence on grasshopper's part.

"So, what you're *saying* is, that because it hasn't killed you *yet*, it must be ok???!???" (meantime *thinking*, but not *saying*, "just how fucking stupid *are* you, anyway?")

*shakes head to self.*

***
I *try* not to feel smugly superior here.

But it makes me think of 'the one who got away', and something I read about crabs once (don't know if it's true): If you put a bunch of them in a bucket and one tries to escape?

The others that can't get out will pull the escapee back in to the bucket.

Numb silence.

***
So, once again, second verse same as the first:

Look out for Number One.

***
And: Maybe what you do in this situation is try to be all 'zen' and let the thoughts simply float across your mind like a cloud through the sky, while you're safely buried (like a frog in mud?) down below, far from the action.

middle path.

I'm scared that somebody's going to call me on my shit.

That by trying so hard to be 'squeaky clean' and blameless, I'm falling into the same trap - the one *everybody's* always trying to avoid.

Feels like I'm chasing my tail, which I guess is appropriate for a cat ...

***
So what's the solution?

Go ahead and FUCK UP.

And DEAL with it.

Shit happens.

EVERYbody makes mistakes.

It's the 'hurting other people' part that's tricky.

***
Something's knocking on my brain here, but I'm either too tired and/or too caffeine-buzzed to 'get' it, either that or I'm simply just not quite *ready* for 'it' yet. So, let it come.

But, but - I wanna *know*! Now!  Waaaahhhhhh!

***
People complain about 'walking on eggshells.'

But - *I* feel like I'm pretty dang careful with people most of the time - so are people *really* saying, they resent having to be careful with me?

Yes, I think that *is* what they're saying.

That fits in with the 'toughen up' approach my family used to use when I was a kid.

But I *didn't* toughen up - I just ended up with a lot of (emotional) black and blue places that never really healed properly, and that are still sensitive to the *slightest* touch, even today...

And I get accused of having a 'chip on my shoulder' by the very same people who *perpetrated* the shit in the first place...

Ok, grasshopper.

One: People are *not* logical. Or rational.

People *constantly* hold *others* to standards of behavior to which they do not hold themselves,.  This includes *you* - you are not immune to this behavior, either. Hey, you're human! So are they.

Moderation in all things. Including moderation.

seem to have missed the point in the previous post.

So, I was trying to get to the point of 'stop being the good one'.

I *think* what I mean by this is that, when you're elected as the 'good' one in the family (in my case, I think only my mother felt this - my father resented me being cast in this role? have to think about that one more.)

Anyway, it becomes a *hurdle* to jump, a high jump you have to leap - a *standard* you're being held to so the rest of the family doesn't have to do it.

It's sort of the obverse? inverse? reverse? of being the Scapegoat - it's like, they're dumping all their shit on you again, only it's that you're to be the 'model' child so that the *rest* of them can be assholes.

Kind of like JC or something, eh? Never thought of that. The sacrificial martyr. Hm.

Human beings sure do some weird-ass, fucked-up shit, I'm *tellin'* ya.

let go of being the 'good' one.

It's how they keep you trapped.

*They* are allowed to be jerks, but *you're* not.

I'm thinking of a once-in-a-lifetime event where my brothers and I were having a beer to celebrate the sale of a piece of jointly-owned property.

It was the first such gathering of just the three of us *ever*, in my memory, except for a long drive out to my mom's hometown just after her mother died many years before.

My middle brother was getting progressively more drunk by the minute, and was beginning to hassle both the waitress and Little Brother.

Little Brother was being the calm, stable one - trying to keep Middle Brother on an even keel and not rise to his bait.

I felt like an outsider - I hadn't been around either of them in a while, especially not the Middle one (from who I have been mostly estranged to varying degrees since childhood).

I'd forgotten the language, the 'rules' of the game. I could see Middle brother watching me, waiting for me to decide which way I'd go - because it was clear that I saw through 'the game' and was able to consciously choose, one way or the other, whether to play it.

Looking back? I almost think I see a beseeching look on Middle Brother's face, as if *begging* me to join him in lampooning Little Brother - as if, in order to feel good about himself? he needed a - what's the word - conspirator? or something. Accomplice? Still not quite right.

Anyway, so I took *one* jab at Little Brother, saw the wince of pain on his face, and immediately regretted it, and apologized immediately to Little Brother.

But it was too late, the damage was done. Little Brother 'manned up' under the combined forces of his siblings, and Middle Brother felt - what - vindicated? Or something.

God DAMN it I hate this shit.

Little Brother eventually forgave me, in fact probably forgot it fairly quickly, because he knows I love him.

But still - the pricks and barbs leave little holes in the soul, or so *I* believe, and through them leak out the essence of who we are.

We must *protect* this self, this being, this essence, vigilantly and diligently, like a border collie protecting her flock, patrolling constantly.

It would be *nice* to live somewhere where this *wasn't* necessary, where somebody had your back all the time, and you could relax.

I can only hope that someday, soon, I will experience such a loving relationship.

Meantime? I just do my best not to get sucked into such hurtful and damaging dynamics with *anybody* I encounter, and try to call people who *pull* such shit, whether on me or somebody else, on it *immediately*, not giving the thing time to fester and become infected and horrible and gross, not to mention, painful.

And: *Trying* to learn *not* to engage in this behavior myself, with people I care about. I *suppose* ideally not with *anybody*, ever, but I ain't no saint.

Baby steps. And: Karma. Or something. Trying to keep it in perspective?